Quotation Marks – Community, the Emmys, and New Girl

There’s just something about Premiere Week that makes me a happy compiler of quotes. Not that Premiere Week means what it used to, as it started two weeks ago, and still has seven more days to go. Take a look at what we’ve put together this week. If we missed a good one, be sure to share it in the comments.

Community (Review)

“You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world’s mouth. You are the opposite of Batman!” – Troy

63^rd Primetime Emmy Awards

“Welcome back to the Modern Family awards”. — Jane Lynch returning from a commercial break after Modern Family had already won several awards

“You know … a lot of people wonder why I’m a lesbian. Ladies and Gentlemen … the cast of Entourage …” — Jane Lynch

New Girl (Review)

“I need to be able to come home from work, sit on my couch and let my beans out … let’em breath!” — Coach in discussion with his roommates about Jess moving in

“Listen … what if you came out with us tonight? You know … after work? We’ll fix you up, we’ll take you out. We’ll get you a rebound.” — Schmidt
“A rebound?” — Jess
“Yeah.” — Schmidt
“I don’t know if I’m ready.” — Jess
“You’re totally ready for it. I’ll take you through the whole thing. You know … I’ll be like your guide.” — Schmidt
“Like Gandalf through Middle-earth?” – Jess
“Probably not like … okay. First of all … let’s take the Lord Of The Rings references? Let’s put them in a deep, dark cave … where no one’s ever going to find them. Ever.” — Schmidt
“Except Smeagol … he lives in a cave.” – Jess

“Please put your shirt back on. Please don’t make me laugh at you.” – Cece talking to Schmidt after he doffs his shirt
“Can I hit you up with some tea? A little herb tea? Oh … oh, my God. How good is that? For real. What? A little P-mint tea? Yum, right? Hot … sweet … a little teabag action? I wasn’t talking about putting anything on your face.” — Schmidt
“Here it is … douchbag …” — Nick passing Schmidt the douchebag jar
“Listen you guys: Jess is by far the best person that I know. So if you guys let anything happen to her, I’m going come here and crazy murder you.” — Cece
“I’m gonna be honest with you: I didn’t hear a word that you just said, ’cause I can kind of see your ‘party hats’ right now.” — Schmidt

The X Factor (Review and Review)

“Okay, Nicole, you like everything. Let’s hear what you have to say.” — L.A. Reid to Nicole Scherzinger

Person Of Interest (Review)

“You left the government because they lied to you … I never will.” — Mr. Finch to John Reese (The irony that those words are spoken by “Ben Linus” isn’t lost on me)

Prime Suspect (Review)

“Could I ask you something? You ever worry someone might drop a house on you?” — Carter
“The car’s not gonna drive itself.” — Timoney getting in the car and ignoring Carter
“I guess you don’t …” — Carter

“He’s like some kind of surgeon. Thoracic. He’s a Thoracic surgeon … what is that? Sounds like dinosaurs or something …” – Blando

Parks and Recreation (Review)

 “The testicles are like the ears of the genital system. They serve a very important function, but they’re not that great to look at.” — Chris

“Oh my god, your inbox is literally full of penises.” — Chris

“She’ll find me. She has the tracking ability and body odor of a bloodhound.” — Ron on his ex-wife, Tammy

Vampire Diaries (Review)

“You’ve heard of me. Fantastic.” — Klaus, the Hybrid

“You’re the one who told me I could handle things on my own now.” — Elena, trying to convince Alaric to go to Tennessee and the wolf den with her
“Yeah, like frozen dinners and SATs.” — Alaric

“I was wrong.” — Damon
“Are you drunk?” – Elena

Awkward

 “I’m not good at being Switzerland. Chinese people can’t digest cheese and chocolate, and the only thing we’re neutral about is child labor.” – Ming

The Middle 

“You’re dragging us into the woods against our will; that’s kidnapping.” – Axl
“If we were going to kidnap some kids, you’d be far down the list.” – Mike

Fringe  (Review)

“What I do know is this tech isn’t from here.” -Walter
“Not from here, you mean like China?” – Lincoln
“No, not China.” – Olivia

Supernatural (Review)

“We all saw him. No beard. No robe. He was young. And … and sexy. He had a raincoat …” – Woman on news program, about Castiel’s appearance as God

The Secret Circle (Review)

“It’s like I’m living in a Harry Potter movie.” – Cassie
“He has a wand.” – Adam

How I Met Your Mother (Review)

“Kids, if there’s one big theme to this story — and I swear we’re totally, almost, not really all that close to the end — it’s timing. Timing is everything.” – Narrator Ted

“[Ted walks in the room] What do you think of this tie?” – Barney
“Oh, thank God. Barney Stinson needs you right before his wedding you assume there’s at least one dead stripper in the closet [fake laughs while he checks the closet].” — Ted

“Who wants hot wings?” – Robin
“I’m in. Or, maybe we should just pour hot sauce on Barney since he’s a total chicken.” – Lily

“Get ready, Cleveland. The last man to screw you this hard then disappear was Lebron James [Mimics Lebron James chalk cloud maneuver].” — Barney

“….because the only person on Earth who loves Ted Mosby more than Marshall Eriksen, is Drunk Marshall Eriksen!” – Drunk Marshall Eriksen

“Look, Ted … Deep in your heart you know that you kind of like one more than the other … Trust me, take the other.” – Robin

“There’s babies everywhere. It’s like a minefield of cuteness … Look at this bastard!” — Marshall

Dr. Who (Review)

“He’s called Alfie. And what are you doing here anyway?” — Craig
“Yes, he likes that … Alfie. Though personally, he likes to be called Stormageddon, Dark Lord of all.” — The Doctor
“I’m sorry, what?” — Craig
“That’s what he calls himself.” — The Doctor
“And how’d you know that?” — Craig
“I speak baby.” — The Doctor