You wake up because the dog is noisily whimpering to get out. He hears squirrels outside. (He! Must! Get! To! Those! Squirrels!) Groaning, you somehow pour yourself out of bed and, in so doing, you stub a toe looking for your slippers. You painfully make it to the restroom, *shushing* Bowzer to hold on a minute. 22 seconds later and relieved, you shuffle like one of the undead toward the kitchen to the already-made pot of coffee on the counter, letting the way-too-frisky dog out on your way. (You’re too tired to care that he almost rips the screen door from its track as he vaults outside.) Seconds later, liquid morning firmly in your grasp, you open up your laptop and coax it from its overnight hibernation.
You inhale the fresh aroma of your bean juice as you sit down to enjoy your Sunday morning ritual: Reading the past week’s Quotation Marks courtesy of CliqueClack. And then, there on the screen, is the very first quote … from MTV’s Beavis and Butt-Head.
Sipping your coffee while reading, you feel a guffaw suddenly well up in your throat. At mid-swallow, you turn your head to spew coffee anywhere but at your computer screen and restub your toe on the table leg. As you set your coffee cup down in order to grab your foot, spilling half its contents all over the place, Bowzer happily returns with a twitching squirrel in his yap.
Good morganin’, Sunshine!
“I have a checklist, too. She has to have at least one boob, and she has to be a girl, and it can’t be my mom.” — Beavis watching Snooki talk about her checklist for potential dates on Jersey Shore
“I have the same list, but it like, includes your mom.” — Butt-Head
“Cafeteria pizza barely qualifies as pizza. It has the same nutritional value as the tray it’s served on. And if pizza’s a vegetable now, what’s broccoli? Penicillin? Really?” — Seth Meyers
“At this rate, eating french fries will qualify as taking French.” — Seth Meyers
It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia (Review)
“This whole thing started because we became incredibly successful and then they became monsters which in turn made them make me fat, so really I’d like to confess on them because they’re sinners and pricks!” — Mac
“Son, I don’t think you understand the purpose of Confession.” — The Priest
“Well I had a great week. Sheesh, you make one crank phone call to Bob Costas and suddenly your sitcom is put on hiatus.” — Joel McHale on The Soup
“Alison Brie, everyone. Watch Alison on Community for the next couple of weeks, and then sometime vaguely in March or April.” — Joel after Alison’s walk-on on The Soup
“You might as well ask me where Carmen Sandiego is, bitch.” — Birkhoff
“You die before me and I’ll kill you.” — Bobby to Dean
“I guess I forgot — before you were a hunter, you were actually a hunter.” — Sam to Bobby
“Yeah, well, we shot our dinner when I was a kid.” — Bobby
“You used to take us hunting, remember? Dad had a case, he’d just dump us on you. Shoot, you must have taught us most of the outdoor tracking we know.” — Dean
“Yeah, what I could get to stick. Never could get you little grubs to pull a trigger on a single deer.” — Bobby
“You’re talking about Bambi, man.” — Dean
“You don’t shoot, Bambi, jackass — you shoot Bambi’s mother.” — Bobby
“A clamper or two is one thing, but you got to be damn hungry to eat a cat’s head.” — Bobby
“There’s some funky chicken in the TDK slammer, there.” — Bobby
“You always were one deep little son of a bitch.” — Bobby to Sam, after saying he was glad all his crazy was in one place
“I imagine you appreciate guns.” — Dick
“I’d appreciate one right about now.” — Bobby
“Yeah, Troy and I are buds. Best buds. Air buds, even.” — Britta
“I thought you were a fly on the wall.” — Dean Pelton
“Some flies are too awesome for the wall.” — Abed
“Recently, the last remaining telephone booths in Pawnee were torn down. And on that patch of concrete I am creating Pawnee’s newest tourist attraction: the smallest park in Indiana. The title is currently held by Martin Luther King Jr. Park in Terryville. But guess what? Terryville sucks old car tires, and so does Martin Luther – no, he does not suck old car tires, he was one of the greatest men in history. Sorry. Sometimes I get a bit competitive.” — Leslie
“Barkeep? Double Dead Guy, please.” — Monroe to Blue Moon bartender
“We are just gonna watch football, drink beer and then we are going to Best Buy for Black Friday.” — Nick
“Or as I like to call it … Friday.” — Winston
“I wanna take him down to Chinatown and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie. I wanna do it standing up and sitting down. And half up and half down. And the wiggly one and the bear attack and the claws and the head and the one that figure skaters do. And the ‘What’s for lunch?’ … and the ‘Give Me That Hat’ … ” — Jess talking to Nick about Paul
“You ever fire one?” — Rick to Jimmy while discussing another Sophia search party outing
“Well, if I’m going out I want one.” — Jimmy
“People in hell want Slurpees.” — Daryl
“You’ve only got her a couple days a week and most of that is spend with a rotating cast of nurses.” — Adams
“That’s how Daddy likes to spend his time, too.” — Chase
“… plus the kid’s never been sexually active.” — Park
“Yeah, I got that from the line in his chart that says ‘birthday clown.'” — House
“Well that would be redundant. I’ve got an angry black guy waiting for me to drop the soap right here.” — House, to Foreman, when he threatens sending him back to prison
“There’s going to be a suspicious bump in the birth rate in 9 months … and we’ll know why.” — Ben Folds to Pentatonix after their rendition of Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On”
How I Met Your Mother (Review)
“I mean, it’s a three hour boat ride. What could happen?” — Robin
“I’m sure that’s what Gilligan said.” — Barney
“No sandwich? Marshall, it’s a palooza! We eat sandwiches at every palooza. Lollapalooza, Funkapalooza…” — Ted
“Gender Diversity Awareness-palooza, junior year?” — Lily
“Yeah, there were some real bitches there.” — Ted
“Erica, I’ve been meaning to speak to you all night … about me bending your hard little body over the railing of this boat and copulating furiously while I admire the New York City skyline. Or if you’re feeling dirty, we can always face Jersey.” — Sandy Rivers
“Sheldon, I’m disappointed. As a brilliant man, you’re entitled to your vice. I could understand frequenting an opium den or hunting your fellow man for sport. But, this?! Lame-o!” — Amy [on new comic book day]
“… You play the harp. Like that’s cool.” — Sheldon
“Can I help you find anything?” — Stuart
“A comic that doesn’t depict a woman whose bosom can’t be used as a flotation device.” — Amy
“It’s like a secret tax on guys who can’t get laid.” — Howard [on the $24.95 price for the Wild West and Witches card packs and their ilk]
“You interested in Amy?” — Howard
She didn’t look through me with soul sucking ball-shriveling hatred and contempt. I like that in a woman.” — Stuart
“I’m robbing you of the hours of fun you can have for the magical, rooting-tooting price of $24.95.” –Stuart [shilling to the guys for all he’s worth]
“I’ll take one.” — Raj
“Make it two.” — Howard
“I hate all of you and myself. Three.” — Leonard
“I’ll ring it up. It’s like shooting nerds in a barrel.” — Stuart
“Hey, can I talk to you about something … it’s a little awkward.” — Leonard
“I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you’re at. You’re wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching … yes.” — Sheldon
Did we miss any quotations you thought should be on this week’s list? If so, pop’em in the comments below and tell us why!
Clacked by Michael Noble 
on Nov 20, 2011 @ 10:35 EST5EDT
