Instead of simply bashing Michael Bay’s Transformers movies, I’m going to offer some suggestions for the eventual Mark-Wahlberg-headlined Transformers 4. Obviously Bay is not going to hand this cash-cow franchise over to another director, so I can only hope that he’s willing to take a few lessons from The Hub’s far more entertaining version of the robots in disguise — Transformers: Prime.

Nobody watches Transformers for the humans; the franchise is so popular because we can’t get enough of the mythical struggle between those icons of good and evil, Optimus Prime and Megatron. Bay chose to make these metallic titans not heroes and villains but shiny, devastating forces of nature, much like the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park — special effects more than actual characters. In contrast, Prime brings the Autobots and Decepticons to life. Each character has a distinct, exquisitely developed personality, from cranky doctor Ratchet to cowardly narcissist Knockout. In Bay’s movies, the only instantly recognizable bots are Optimus and Bumblebee, and even they feel distant and alien. We don’t really understand them, their backgrounds, their feelings. That’s never a problem in Prime — you can feel Arcee’s rage when she’s battling Airachnid because you know their back-story. You can understand Bulkhead’s irritation with young gun Smokescreen, and Ratchet’s sense of guilt and responsibility for Bumblebee’s damaged voicebox. For characters that don’t have flesh, they are certainly fleshed out.

And how do I begin to describe Optimus Prime and Megatron, gloriously voiced by the original G1 series actors, Peter Cullen and Frank Welker? Their epic friendship-turned-rivalry is the heart of the show, and the beloved characters are magnificently realized in Prime. Every scene between them is pure gold because it seethes with history, antagonism, and unspoken respect. You recognize that these two know everything there is to know about each other because they have been battling for eons. Bay has never been able to take us into the hearts of these characters, to showcase the very personal war that rages between them. But this is the stuff that makes Transformers so damned amazing!

Let’s set aside the sheer obnoxiousness of Shia LaBeouf’s Sam Witwicky, because Prime has its own version of a super-annoying human brat in Miko. One of the biggest problems I have with Bay’s movies is the overwhelming number of characters he throws at us, many of them too minor to be worth any screen time. If Bay reduced the total number of characters in his movies, he could actually develop a few good ones. Do you want to see Ken Jeong ham it up as some irrelevant dork, or do you want to see Optimus Prime kicking tailpipe?

Prime features only one government liaison working with the Autobots — Agent Fowler, a character who can be both irritable and heroic. And in addition to idiotic Miko, there are a couple other kids present, who are actually likable: Jack, a quiet teen with a good head on his shoulders, and Raf, a 12-year-old dweeb/hacker. Raf often helps Ratchet out with Earth technology; now there’s an example of how to make a character serve a useful purpose. Yes, the kids are kind of shoehorned into the show, but they are not Mary Sues like Sam Witwicky. Now imagine this, Michael Bay. What if you had written Sam as a hacker? That would make sense. Nerdy teenager, good with computers — fairly believable. More importantly, that would give him a plausible role to play in the movies besides running around screaming and acting like a self-important asshole. And that would eliminate the need to waste screen time on extraneous characters like these. Reduce, reuse, and recycle, Michael.

Where to begin? First of all, only Frank Welker can deliver the swagger that makes Megatron the universe’s biggest badass. (Why distort Hugo Weaving’s voice beyond recognition when you had the real deal, Michael Bay? Because you’re ridiculous, that’s why.) Prime’s Megatron is a perfect foil for the valiant-yet-vulnerable Optimus, as he displays the ruthlessness as well as the charisma and magnanimity that won him so many devoted followers.

Perhaps the second most memorable relationship in Transformers lore is between Megatron and his insubordinate second-in-command, Starscream. Bay never really took advantage of the opportunity to add “humanity” to the Decepticons by emphasizing that they’re not just mindless drones following Megatron; they’re individuals with ambitions and feelings. Starscream’s rebellious nature adds an element of unpredictability to all of the Decepticons’ schemes, making him a wild card that Bay neglected to play.

Since we’re on the subject of Starscream, I would be remiss not to mention how utterly hilarious the villains of Prime are. Starscream is a hoot (“There I am, minding my own business, when my arm just FALLS OFF!”), but all of the Decepticons including Megatron have their moments of levity. This is one of my favorite things about Prime, and I don’t think it would hurt the “realism” of Bay’s movies to add some personality to the villains via a little humor.

Prime has all flavors of awesome when it comes to bad guys. The dark angel, Soundwave, silent and menacing, devastatingly competent. Noble, loyal Dreadwing seeking to avenge the loss of his twin, Skyquake. Nasty, nasty, slippery Airachnid. As I said, each character has a distinct personality, and that’s where Bay generally falls short.

Though it was originally marketed to boys, I think I can safely say that girls love Transformers; some of the characters have devoted fandoms. Prime certainly invites girls to the party. Arcee is a kick-ass female bot, and Miko and Mrs. Darby are both tough chicks. But more importantly, the show focuses on relationships and character development as much as action (and the action is fantastic). That’s called good storytelling. Good storytelling appeals to everyone, regardless of gender. Michael Bay is too lazy to gives us good storytelling, so he appeals to the lowest common denominator with close-ups of Mikaela/Carly’s ass and long sequences of indistinguishable exploding things — tactics transparently and insultingly aimed at men with low expectations. Instead of ogling a skinny girl’s backside, how about giving us character-building scenes for the Autobots and Decepticons? We all would appreciate that.

I’m going to sum up the lessons of Transformers: Prime for Michael Bay right here: Let the Autobots and Decepticons be the main characters. Keep the human characters to a minimum so that you can focus on developing the Autobots and Decepticons as individuals and in relationship to each other, rather than simply throwing explosions and eye candy at the dudes. If you give these beloved characters the star treatment they deserve, you can make a movie that a wide audience will enjoy.

I want to enjoy Transformers 4 as much as Transformers: Prime. Let’s see if you learned anything, Michael Bay.

The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and I go way back. We’re the same age, born in the “Orwellian” year of 1984 — I, to a pair of musicians in Chicago; the Turtles, to a pair of aspiring comic book artists in Northampton, Massachusetts. I cannot pretend to have grown up with Eastman and Laird’s Mirage Turtles. They were a little too mature for my age group. The Mirage Turtles drank beer, said “Damn!” instead of some variation of “Shell!” and they eviscerated their foes instead of clocking them with trashcans. They were badass. Dark. Gritty. Monochromatic.

Like most ’80s babies, I met Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo through the Fred Wolf-produced Saturday-morning cartoon that ran for ten seasons between 1987 and 1996.

The 1987 Turtles helped define cool for my generation. They introduced surfer slang into the average American kid’s lexicon and exalted pizza to the status of Most Excellent Food in Existence (not that it wasn’t already deserving of this title).

We adopted Mikey’s breezy surfer attitude and Raph’s smart-alec wit. High on Turtle Power, we destroyed countless gift-wrap cardboard tubes, attempting to approximate Don and Leo’s moves with the bo and katana. We embraced all things TMNT, begging our parents to buy us baby red-eared sliders and send us to karate lessons (karate, only because “ninja school” wasn’t a real thing). Just think, today you can teach yourself ninjutsu via YouTube clips. Now, that’s not actually true, but you can learn how to throw a wicked shuriken and you can witness the deadly skills of a fat guy with a katana. Woosh. Tremble in fear, all you liters of Mountain Dew.

How cool were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles “back in day?” I don’t know exactly. I was exposed to the ooze too early to be objective about it. But I can imagine all the poor parents watching their kids dance to Vanilla Ice’s “Ninja Rap.” They must have thought we were certifiable. That reminds me of my brother, who used to do the lop-sided Turtle grin during family photos; my mom actually consulted her sister (who works with handicapped children) to find out if there was something wrong with him. “Why does he keep making that face?!” We explained it to her a couple decades later, and she was like, “… Oh.”

Ever heard the saying, “When I became a (wo)man, I put away childish things?” So not true of me. But I have grown up enough to appreciate genuine improvements upon my favorite childish things. Take the 2003 TMNT series for instance. For a while I used to feel guilty about liking the 2003 series more than the 1987 cartoon, but now I accept that it’s a natural progression, not a betrayal. As we Turtle fans grew up, we needed a more sophisticated version of our heroes in a half shell, and the 4Kids series gave us that, paying suitable homage to the Fred Wolf cartoon while creating a darker world and more nuanced characters to inhabit it.

Many of the story lines were lifted straight from the Mirage comics; for example, the fantastic Season 1 two-parter, “The Shredder Strikes Back” — in which Leo is pursued by hordes of Foot Ninja across the rooftops of New York and gets the shell kicked out of him — is based on the thrilling micro series Leonardo issue #1. The 2003 series certainly took some strange turns, such as — SPOILER ALERT — the Shredder turning out to be an Utrom. If you don’t know what an Utrom is, think Krang, but more sinister and less belchy. I imagine fans of the Mirage comics were able to forgive that particular twist, given this series (specifically seasons 1-4) came as close as a kids’ cartoon could to depicting Eastman and Laird’s original work. Stellar action sequences, tightly woven storytelling and continuity, frequent humor, lots of familial interaction between the Turtles and Splinter, awesome versions of April and Casey, even the occasional “Cowabunga!” — this series had it going on. Season 5 took a bizarre turn toward the mystical, but it was cool in its own way. Season 6 (“Fast Forward”) brought the Turtles to the future; it has some good episodes, but I hated it for a while. Season 7 (“Back to the Sewer”) is the weakest season, in terms of the animation, character design, and story, but again there were a couple gems.

For fans who feel guilty about “cheating on” the original Turtles with their 2003 counterparts, I suggest watching Turtles Forever, the animated movie that wraps up the 4Kids series by uniting both versions of the Turtles (2003 and 1987), as well as their respective villains, in one crazy fun adventure. Around the latter part of the movie, there is an amazing surprise that just may make your day. Possibly, your life. I’m telling you. Best. TMNT. Movie. Ever. Watch the uncut version. You know where to go (see: YouTube).

2012 really is a good year to be a TMNT fan. Our beloved ninja bros are returning to the small screen on September 29, and Playmates recently released some flippin’ awesome action figures to rev up the fanboys and fangirls. The Turtle Classics, which are currently sitting on my bookcase, feature a zillion points of articulation and beautiful weapons — they’re collectors’ items, ideal for endless playing … er, posing. The new Nickelodeon toys are also super posable (and they are also on my bookcase). Each Nickelodeon figure is unique in terms of musculature, color, size, and details like the nicks and battle damage on the Turtles’ plastrons (Raph’s got a big chunk ripped out of his — no surprise there, what a hothead!). My old-school Michaelangelo action figure, with his brown plastic accessories, looks positively primitive next to these bad boys.

As if new toys and a new TV series were not enough to keep us happy, the 1987 series is being released in November as a complete set, packaged in a Party Wagon. Think about that for a moment. Your own Party Wagon.

I don’t know about you dudes, but my Christmas wish list just got totally radical.

Man, I love bein’ a Turtle (fan).

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