The Fox television network unveiled its 2014 fall schedule and gave us a peek into what 2015 has in store as well. Fox had previously announced its new series acquisitions — Gotham, Red Band Society, Mulaney, Gracepoint, Utopia, Backstrom, Empire, Hieroglyph, Wayward Pines, Bordertown, The Last Man on Earth, Weird Loners — but many of them won’t be seen until 2015.

With the absence of The X Factor, and American Idol not returning until 2015 (with a shorter schedule than usual at about 37 hours instead of 50), that has freed up some time to debut some new shows in the fall. One glaring omission from the schedule is Glee, which has also been benched until 2015 and its 22-episode order may be trimmed to as little as 13. The plan is to run the final season without any breaks and to wrap up the story the best way possible. Another big change for the network is the break-up of Sunday’s Animation Domination block with only Bob’s Burgers, The Simpsons and Family Guy still on the schedule (American Dad moves to TBS, The Cleveland Show is cancelled). One of this season’s bright spots, Brooklyn Nine-Nine will occupy the spot after The Simpson and newcomer Mulaney, starring John Mulaney and Martin Short, moves into the post Family Guy time slot.

The show everyone seems most excited about, Gotham, will make its debut in the Monday slot leading in to last season’s hit Sleepy Hollow. Fox is so high on both shows that Gotham was given an initial 16-episode order and Sleepy Hollow, which was originally planned to get a second 13-episode season, is going to get an additional 2 – 5 episodes. Fox believes Gotham should outshine and out-perform ABC’s Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. simply for the fact that the Batman prequel will include famous fiends like The Riddler, The Penguin and Catwoman … at least the people they were before they become the famous Bat-villains. If nothing else, Gotham is certainly the most talked about new show of the coming season.

Besides Gotham, Fox has a couple of prestigious dramas on the boards with Red Band Society and Gracepoint. Red Band Society is based on a Spanish TV series and takes place in a hospital where a group of teens meet in the pediatrics ward. The comedic drama stars Oscar winner Octavia Spencer and Dave Annable, and is executive produced by Steven Spielberg. Gracepoint is the US adaptation of the hit British crime drama Broadchurch. Former Doctor Who David Tennant reprises his role from the original series.

Looking ahead to 2015, a truncated American Idol will return (no word yet on the judges), and the network hopes that the show will remain on the air for many years to come (rumors were swirling that the original trio of judges would return for the final season, whenever that may be), and Fox is planning three big special events for 2015 starting with a New Year’s Eve event hosted by Pitbull, a special to commemorate Evel Knievel’s attempted jump over Snake River Canyon, and a three-hour live musical presentation of Grease.

Fox will also be filling in the time vacated by The X Factor with a new reality series called Utopia. In this new show, a group of people are sent to an undeveloped location for a year and will be forced to form a society of some sort. With elements of Survivor and Big Brother, viewers will be able to follow the action on the air and online, and those who do not make themselves indispensable to the group are sent home. The twist is that they are replaced by new castaways, giving the show an eerily similar feeling to a former Fox reality program that was supposed to have no end, Forever Eden … which lasted all of seven episodes (18 remain unaired). Will Utopia be a bright spot on the Fox schedule?

As of now, the 2014 schedule is set with many of the big guns set for 2015 including Backstrom, from Bones creator Hart Hanson, Lee Daniels’ Empire, starring Terrence Howard, the ancient Egypt action-adventure series Hieroglyph, from Pacific Rim writer Travis Beacham, limited run series Wayward Pines from M. Night Shyamalan, and comedies Bordertown (working title),  The Last Man on Earth (with Will Forte), and Weird Loners starring Becki Newton. Here’s what to expect in the fall:

Monday
8:00-9:00 p.m. — Gotham
9:00-10:00 p.m. — Sleepy Hollow

Tuesday
8:00-9:00 p.m. — Utopia
9:00-9:30 p.m. — New Girl
9:30-10:00 p.m. — The Mindy Project

Wednesday
8:00-9:00 p.m. — Hell’s Kitchen
9:00-10:00 p.m. — Red Band Society

Thursday
8:00-9:00 p.m. — Bones
9:00-10:00 p.m. — Gracepoint

Friday
8:00-9:00 p.m. — MasterChef Junior
9:00-10:00 p.m. — Utopia

Saturday
7:00-10:30 p.m. — Fox Sports Saturday

Sunday
7:00-7:30 p.m. — NFL Game
7:30-8:00 p.m. — Bob’s Burgers
8:00-8:30 p.m. — The Simpsons
8:30-9:00 p.m. — Brooklyn Nine-Nine
9:00-9:30 p.m. — Family Guy
9:30-10:00 p.m. — Mulaney

So here’s what’s going to happen in this post:

You might learn a few things about me. Maybe some revealing, eye-opening things. It might help explain why I like some of the things I like. At least … I think it will. You may not agree. And that’s okay. I can’t please everyone. And I can’t put stuff out there that makes sense to me but might confuse you. I figure so long as there’s that basic  understanding — possible revelations which may not make sense to you — then I’m pretty certain you can at least wrap your head around some of what I’m going to say.

By nature, I’m not a comedy-watching kind of guy; that might come as a surprise. I shy away from comedy films and I routinely avoid comedy television programs. The Big Bang Theory? Puzzles me to no end. I don’t get it. Brainiacs who make fools of themselves or who find themselves out of their element socially. Not funny to me in the least. Adam Sandler films? Will Ferrel movies? I don’t watch them and wouldn’t voluntarily go to one. You couldn’t entice me to one of these men’s flicks with free popcorn, soda and Jujubees. They’re inane and pointless to me. (The films, not the Jujubees.)

Comedy I like? Hit me up with The Blues Brothers. Sixteen Candles. Dark Star. Bob’s Burgers. Even the Charlie Sheen years of Two And A Half Men in small doses. (I don’t care what anyone says about Sheen or the show back in those days; there was some smart writing goin’ on.)

I like dark humor, too. Six Feet Under. Leaving Las Vegas. Breaking Bad. Classic humor I like: Young Frankenstein. Laurel & Hardy. The Marx Brothers. Robert DeNiro in Midnight Run, Jeff Bridges in Starman. Comedic plays such as Man Of La Mancha.

And I know what you’re saying right about now: “Michael? I happen to know you’re a funny guy. Don’t give me guff and don’t make me put on boots to wade through your bullshit. You like comedy! ” I am funny. And I do like comedy. But I don’t like watching comedy as a rule. “Hogwash! You reviewed the entire first season of New Girl a couple years ago! If that’s not comedy, what is?!?” And you would be right. I stepped out of my viewing element (and I called myself out for doing so many a time) and watched that premiere season. I’ll admit: It had its moments. I was completely on board with The Douchebag Jar. I was hit and miss (often “miss”) with Zooey Deschanel’s Jess, mostly on board with Jake Johnson’s Nick and often vacillated with Max Greenfield’s Schmidt. But after a season of the show, I was done. I don’t believe I’ve watched a single episode of New Girl since. And I don’t feel as if I’ve missed anything in spurning it.

I’d like to like a comedy television programs … really, I would. A lot of friends (no comments from the peanut gallery, Ivey) and associates say there are some worthy things out there in TV Land. I would dig giving myself whole-heartedly to something guffaw-inducing, slapstick-ish or sly. But picky me, I haven’t found anything yet.

Now? Here comes FOX’s Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

And — surprise wowzah! — with one of my favorite actors, Andre Braugher! Loved, loved, loved his underlying snark in Homicide: Life On The Street. Dug him (mostly) in Men Of A Certain Age. As an actor of stature and command, I was thrilled to tune in to the too-short Last Resort with Braugher as the obstinate Captain Marcus Chaplin. And in House as Dr. Darryl Nolan? You betcha. (There’s another show with dark and not-so-dark comedy elements I enjoyed.)

But, sorry to say, Brooklyn Nine-Nine is lacking in some basic elements … “comedy” being one of them. At least, sustaining comedy by its star that will weather it through an initial season. There’s of course the mandatory set-up to get us familiar with the characters, but it feels forced, like someone is shoving it down our throats or waved before our eyes when it doesn’t need to be. Especially in the case of Saturday Night Live‘s Andy Samberg (as extremely smart/smart alec Detective Jake Peralta) who steam rolls along in the pilot, any obstacles in his way be damned. And it doesn’t sit well within the context of the show. Instead of letting Peralta sway us with his charms while tossing yucks at us, we’re force-fed sarcasm and shenanigans when there is no need for them. And it leaves an unpleasant aftertaste. The viewing audience isn’t dumb, for Pete’s sake … why do the producers of Brooklyn Nine-Nine feel the need to bombard us as if we need an 800-pound gorilla hovering over us making sure we get the joke? Samberg overplays the role. For example: When we see Peralta giving in to his new captain’s demand that ties be worn by the men of his command, it’s just dumb to see Samberg lift his shirt, his tie wrapped around his mid-section. It’s so contrived it isn’t even funny. In fact, it’s stupid … and not in a good way. It’s not even “good” stupid comedy. It’s just dumb.

Much more appealing is the easily swallowed Captain Ray Holt (Braugher). His demeanor is infinitely more comfortable than Peralta’s. It comes effortlessly without the in-your-face bombast. It helps that all Braugher has to do is shoot a look someone’s way and you know exactly what he’s conveying. Comedy without words. The show’s writers should know better, being they’re obviously doing this for Braugher.

Yet … there’s hope. Hope in that the rest of the cast gels together to overshadow some of the daftness Samberg showcases. Their “straight man” roles help soften the harsh edges of Samberg’s character and give me at least a little optimism that the current circus doesn’t revolve around the stark and glaring clown-star. (Stephanie Beatriz‘ strong Detective Rosa Diaz is a welcome relief.) There’s hope in Braugher reining in some of the stupidity of Samberg’s antics and working an uneasy but better pairing of the two. This could yield a more cohesive comedy that doesn’t rely completely on dippiness for laughs. Because right now? Out of the gate? It’s not working.

So … did you learn anything about me? Maybe that my comedy likes are too high-falutin’? Too picky? (Nah. Hello! Blues Brothers! Two And A Half Men! Bob’s Burgers!)

Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe my love for Andre Braugher comes with blinders and a notion of hopeful trust that smartness will eventually come out of this new show instead of an insipid 24 minutes of slough. As with my previous New Girl “adventure” a few seasons back, I’ll stymie my judgment and go along for the ride and see what comes out the other end.

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To subscribe to the below schedule in iCal, copy this link and paste into the “Subscribe…” menu item in iCal. You can also just click it to open iCal or even click to add to your iPhone calendar. The same link will work in a Google Calendar as well! Or see the calendar as a web page (also embedded at the bottom of this post). The calendar will update as new shows are added/changed.

* All times are in EDT PM, unless otherwise mentioned.
* New series premieres are in Bold Italics

SERIES PREMIERES/RETURNS

SEPTEMBER

Tuesday, September 3

10:00 Cold Justice (TNT)

10:00 Luther (BBCA)

10:00 Tosh.0 (Comedy)

10:00 We’re The Fugawis (History)

10:30 Brickleberry (Comedy)

Wednesday, September 4

9:00 Inside the NFL (Showtime)

10:00 Ghost Mine (Syfy)

10:00 It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia (FXX)

10:30 The League (FXX)

11:00 Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell (FXX)

Thursday, September 5

8:30 Sunday Night Football (NBC)

Friday, September 6

10:00 20/20 (ABC)

Saturday, September 7

8:00 Cupcake Wars (Food)

Sunday, September 8

9:00 Boardwalk Empire (HBO)

Monday, September 9

8:00 The Million Second Quiz (NBC)

Tuesday, September 10

10:00 Sons of Anarchy (FX)

12:00AM The Heart, She Holler (Adult Swim)

Wednesday, September 11

8:00 The X Factor (FOX)

9:00 Restaurant Stakeout (Food)

10:30 Thieves, Inc. (Food)

12:00AM Derek (Netflix)

Friday, September 13

10:00 Haven (Syfy)

10:00 Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)

Sunday, September 15

10:00 The Great Santini Brothers (History)

Monday, September 16

8:00 Bones (FOX)

8:00 Dancing with the Stars (ABC)

9:00 Sleepy Hollow (FOX)

Tuesday, September 17

8:00 Dads (FOX)

8:30 Brooklyn Nine-Nine (FOX)

9:00 New Girl (FOX)

9:30 The Mindy Project (FOX)

10:00 The New Atlanta (Bravo)

Wednesday, September 18

8:00 Survivor (CBS)

10:30 Key & Peele (Comedy)

Friday, September 20

8:00 Last Man Standing (ABC)

8:30 The Neighbors (ABC)

9:00 Shark Tank (ABC)

Sunday, September 22

11:30 China, IL (Adult Swim)

Monday, September 23

8:00 How I Met Your Mother (CBS)

8:00 The Voice (NBC)

9:00 2 Broke Girls (CBS)

9:30 Mom (CBS)

10:00 The Blacklist (NBC)

10:00 Hostages (CBS)

10:00 Castle (ABC)

Tuesday, September 24

8:00 Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (ABC)

8:00 NCIS (CBS)

9:00 The Goldbergs (ABC)

9:00 NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS)

9:30 Trophy Wife (ABC)

10:00 Chicago Fire (NBC)

10:00 Fangasm (Syfy)

10:00 Lucky 7 (ABC)

10:00 Person of Interest (CBS)

Wednesday, September 25

8:00 The Middle (ABC)

8:00 Revolution (NBC)

8:30 Back in the Game (ABC)

9:00 Criminal Minds (CBS)

9:00 Law & Order: SVU (NBC)

9:00 Modern Family (ABC)

10:00 CSI (CBS)

10:00 Nashville (ABC)

10:00 South Park (Comedy)

Thursday, September 26

8:00 The Big Bang Theory (CBS)

8:00 Parks & Recreation (NBC)

9:00 The Crazy Ones (CBS)

9:00 Glee (FOX)

9:00 Grey’s Anatomy (ABC)

9:00 The Michael J. Fox Show (NBC)

9:30 Two and a Half Men (CBS)

10:00 Elementary (CBS)

10:00 Parenthood (NBC)

Friday, September 27

8:00 Masterchef Junior (FOX)

8:00 Undercover Boss (CBS)

9:00 Dateline (NBC)

9:00 Hawaii Five-0 (CBS)

10:00 Blue Bloods (CBS)

Saturday, September 28

10:00 48 Hours (CBS)

Sunday, September 29

8:00 The Amazing Race (CBS)

8:00 Once Upon a Time (ABC)

8:00 The Simpsons (FOX)

8:30 Bob’s Burgers (FOX)

9:00 Family Guy (FOX)

9:00 The Good Wife (CBS)

9:00 Homeland (Showtime)

9:00 Revenge (ABC)

9:30 American Dad (FOX)

10:00 Betrayal (ABC)

10:00 Eastbound & Down (HBO)

10:00 Masters of Sex (Showtime)

10:00 The Mentalist (CBS)

10:30 Hello Ladies (HBO)

Monday, September 30

8:30 We Are Men (CBS)

OCTOBER

Wednesday, October 2

9:30 Super Fun Night (ABC)

10:00 Ironside (NBC)

10:00 Top Chef (Bravo)

Thursday, October 3

8:00 The Vampire Diaries (CW)

8:30 The Millers (CBS)

8:30 Welcome to the Family (NBC)

9:00 The Originals (CW)

9:00 Sean Saves the World  (NBC)

10:00 Scandal (ABC)

Sunday, October 6

9:00 Drop Dead Diva (Lifetime)

9:00 The Paradise (PBS)

Monday, October 7

8:00 Hart of Dixie (CW)

9:00 Beauty and the Beast (CW)

Tuesday, October 8

8:00 The Biggest Loser (NBC)

9:00 Supernatural (CW)

Wednesday, October 9

8:00 Arrow (CW)

9:00 The Tomorrow People (CW)

Thursday, October 10

8:00 Once Upon a Time in Wonderland (ABC)

Sunday, October 13

9:00 The Walking Dead (AMC)

10:00 Talking Dead (AMC)

12:00AM Comic Book Men (AMC)

Tuesday, October 15

10:00 Real Husbands of Hollywood (BET)

Thursday, October 17

9:00 Reign (CW)

9:00 White Collar (USA)

10:00 Covert Affairs (USA)

Saturday, October 19

10:00 Dancing on the Edge (Starz)

Tuesday, October 22

9:00 Ravenswood (ABC Family)

10:00 Awkward (MTV)

Friday, October 25

8:00 The Carrie Diaries (CW)

9:00 Grimm (NBC)

10:00 Dracula (NBC)

NOVEMBER

Sunday, November 3

8:00 It Takes a Choir (USA)

Monday, November 4

8:00 Almost Human (FOX)

Friday, November 8

9:00 Raising Hope (FOX)

9:30 Enlisted (FOX)

Saturday, November 23

10:00 Atlantis (BBCA)

Monday, November 25

9:00 Major Crimes (TNT)

Tuesday, November 26

9:00 Boston’s Finest (TNT)

To subscribe to the below schedule in iCal, copy this link and paste into the “Subscribe…” menu item in iCal. You can also just click it to open iCal or even click to add to your iPhone calendar. The same link will work in a Google Calendar as well! Or see the calendar as a web page (also embedded at the bottom of this post). The calendar will update as new shows are added/changed.

* All times are in EDT PM, unless otherwise mentioned.

* New series premieres are in Bold Italics

SERIES PREMIERES/RETURNS

JANUARY

Tuesday, January 1

9:00 Dance Moms (Lifetime)

9:00 Dual Survival (Discovery)

9:00 Emily Owens, M.D. (CW)

10:00 Parenthood (NBC)

10:00 Storage Wars: New York (A&E)

10:30 Double Divas (Lifetime)

Wednesday, January 2

8:00 Whitney (NBC)

8:30 Guys With Kids (NBC)

9:00 Law & Order: SVU (NBC)

9:00 NOVA (PBS)

10:00 Chicago Fire (NBC)

10:00 American Horror Story (FX)

Thursday, January 3

8:00 The Big Bang Theory (CBS)

9:00 Person of Interest (CBS)

10:00 Buck Wild (MTV)

10:00 Elementary (CBS)

Friday, January 4

8:30 Need To Know (PBS)

9:00 CSI: NY (CBS)

10:00 Bering Sea Gold (Discovery)

10:00 Blue Bloods (CBS)

10:00 Merlin (Syfy)

10:00 Over/Under (USA)

Sunday, January 6

8:00 Mob Wives (VH1)

8:00 Once Upon a Time (ABC)

8:00 The Simpsons (FOX)

8:30 Bob’s Burgers (FOX)

9:00 The Biggest Loser (NBC)

9:00 Downton Abbey (PBS)

9:00 Family Guy (FOX)

9:00 The Good Wife (CBS)

9:00 Rachael Vs. Guy Celebrity Cook-Off (Food)

9:00 Revenge (ABC)

9:30 American Dad (FOX)

10:00 The Mentalist (CBS)

10:00 Happy Endings (ABC)

10:30 Don’t Trust the B—- in Apartment 23 (ABC)

11:00 Watch What Happens: Live (Bravo)

Monday. January 7

8:00 Antiques Roadshow (PBS)

8:00 The Bachelor (ABC)

8:00 Switched at Birth (ABC Family)

9:00 Bunheads (ABC Family)

10:00 Deception (NBC)

10:00 Vanderpump Rules (Bravo)

10:00 Castle (ABC)

Tuesday, January 8

8:00 Betty White’s Off Their Rockers (NBC)

8:00 NCIS (CBS)

8:00 Pretty Little Liars (ABC Family)

8:00 Raising Hope (FOX)

8:30 Ben & Kate (FOX)

9:00 Go On (NBC)

9:00 The Lying Game (ABC Family)

9:00 NCIS: Los Angeles (CBS)

9:00 New Girl (FOX)

9:30 The Mindy Project (FOX)

9:30 The New Normal (NBC)

10:00 Africa (Discovery)

10:00 America’s Supernanny (Lifetime)

10:00 Chopped (Food)

10:00 Cougar Town (TBS)

10:00 Frontline (PBS)

10:00 The Joe Schmo Show (Spike)

10:00 Justified (FX)

10:00 Million Dollar Decorators (Bravo)

10:00 Private Practice (ABC)

10:00 Snooki & JWoww (MTV)

10:00 Vegas (CBS)

10:30 The Burn With Jeff Ross (Comedy)

Wednesday, January 9

8:00 The Middle (ABC)

8:30 The Neighbors (ABC)

9:00 People’s Choice Awards (CBS)

9:00 Modern Family (ABC)

9:30 Suburgatory (ABC)

10:00 Barter Kings (A&E)

10:00 Nashville (ABC)

10:00 Washington Heights (MTV)

Thursday, January 10

8:00 30 Rock (NBC)

8:00 Critics’ Choice Movie Awards (CW)

8:00 Last Resort (ABC)

9:00 Grey’s Anatomy (ABC)

9:00 The Killer Speaks (A&E)

9:00 Millionaire Matchmaker (Bravo)

9:00 The Office (NBC)

10:00 Kathy (Bravo)

10:00 Property Wars (Discovery)

10:00 Scandal (ABC)

Friday, January 11

9:00 Fringe (FOX)

Saturday, January 12

10:00 Banshee (Cinemax)

Sunday, January 13

7:30 The Cleveland Show (FOX)

8:00 Golden Globe Awards (NBC)

9:00 Girls (HBO)

9:00 Shameless (Showtime)

9:30 Enlightened (HBO)

10:00 House of Lies (Showtime)

10:30 Californication (Showtime)

Monday, January 14

8:00 Bones (FOX)

8:00 The Carrie Diaries (CW)

8:00 Continuum (Syfy)

8:00 How I Met Your Mother (CBS)

9:00 2 Broke Girls (CBS)

9:00 Being Human (Syfy)

9:30 Mike & Molly (CBS)

10:00 Hawaii Five-0 (CBS)

10:00 Lost Girl (Syfy)

Tuesday, January 15

8:00 Hart of Dixie (CW)

8:00 Pioneers of Television (PBS)

9:00 Face Off (Syfy)

9:00 The Ultimate Guide to the Presidents (History)

10:00 Real Husbands of Hollywood (BET)

10:30 Second Generation Wayans (BET)

10:30 Total Blackout (Syfy)

Wednesday, January 16

8:00 American Idol (FOX)

8:00 Arrow (CW)

9:00 Criminal Minds (CBS)

9:00 Ghost Hunters (Syfy)

9:00 Supernatural (CW)

10:00 Bobby’s Dinner Battle (Food)

10:00 CSI (CBS)

10:00 Ghost Mine (Syfy)

10:00 Workaholics (Comedy)

10:30 Kroll Show (Comedy)

Thursday, January 17

8:00 The Vampire Diaries (CW)

8:30 Parks & Recreation (NBC)

9:00 Anger Management (FX)

10:00 Archer (FX)

10:00 Suits (USA)

10:30 Legit (FX)

11:00 Totally Biased with W. Kamau Bell (FX)

12:00AM Newsreaders (Adult Swim)

Friday, January 18

8:00 Nikita (CW)

10:00 Real Time with Bill Maher (HBO)

Saturday, January 19

9:00 Ripper Street (BBCA)

Monday, January 21

9:00 90210 (CW)

9:00 The Following (FOX)

Tuesday, January 22

8:00 The Taste (ABC)

8:00 The Ultimate Fighter (FX)

10:00 White Collar (USA)

10:00 Wild Things with Dominic Monaghan (BBCA)

Wednesday, January 23

10:00 Necessary Roughness (USA)

Thursday, January 24

9:00 Beauty and the Beast (CW)

9:00 Glee (FOX)

9:00 Project Runway (Lifetime)

Friday, January 25

9:00 Spartacus: War of the Damned (Starz)

Sunday, January 27

8:00 Screen Actors Guild Awards (TNT, TBS)

Monday, January 28

9:00 Dallas (TNT)

Tuesday, January 29

9:00 Top Gear (History)

10:00 Southie Rules (A&E)

10:00 Ultimate Soldier Challenge (History)

10:00 The Americans (FX)

11:00 Nikki & Sara Live (MTV)

Thursday, January 31

10:00 Chef Wanted with Anne Burrell (Food)

10:00 Do No Harm (NBC)

FEBRUARY

Friday, February 1

8:00 NAACP Image Awards (NBC)

8:00 Undercover Boss (CBS)

Sunday, February 3

6:30 Super Bowl XLVII (CBS)

Monday, February 4

8:30 Rules of Engagement (CBS)

10:00 Monday Mornings (TNT)

Tuesday, February 5

9:00 Smash (NBC)

10:00 Body of Proof (ABC)

10:00 Tosh.0 (Comedy)

Wednesday, February 6

9:00 The Spies of Warsaw (BBCA)

Thursday, February 7

8:00 Community (NBC)

11:30 Brand X with Russell Brand (FX)

Friday, February 8

8:00 The Job (CBS)

8:00 Touch (FOX)

10:30 The Jenny McCarthy Show (VH1)

Sunday, February 10

8:00 The Grammy Awards (CBS)

9:00 Bar Rescue (Spike)

9:00 Battlestar Galactica: Blood & Chrome (Syfy)

9:00 The Walking Dead (AMC)

10:00 Car Lot Rescue (Spike)

11:00 Talking Dead (AMC)

Monday, February 11

11:00 Inside Comedy (Showtime)

Tuesday, February 12

8:00 Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show (USA)

Wednesday, February 13

8:00 Survivor (CBS)

10:00 Southland (TNT)

Thursday, February 14

8:00 Zero Hour (ABC)

9:00 Comic Book Men (ABC)

9:30 Freakshow (AMC)

10:00 Immortalized (AMC)

Sunday, February 17

8:00 The Amazing Race (CBS)

Tuesday, February 19

9:00 Cult (CW)

10:30 The Jeselnik Offensive (Comedy)

Sunday, February 24

8:30 The Academy Awards (ABC)

Tuesday, February 26

10:00 Golden Boy (CBS)

10:00 Robot Combat League (Syfy)

Wednesday, February 27

9:00 Boston’s Finest (TNT)

9:00 Haunted Collector (Syfy)

10:00 Psych (USA)

10:00 Stranded (Syfy)

MARCH

Sunday, March 3

9:00 The Apprentice (NBC)

9:00 Red Widow (ABC)

10:00 Vikings (History)

Friday, March 8

8:00 Fashion Star (NBC)

9:00 Grimm (NBC)

Monday, March 18

8:00 Dancing with the Stars (ABC)

Tuesday, March 19

8:00 Celebrity Diving (ABC)

Monday, March 25

8:00 The Voice (NBC)

10:00 Revolution (NBC)

Saturday, March 30

9:00 Orphan Black (BBCA)

Sunday, March 31

8:00 Ready for Love (NBC)

9:00 Game of Thrones (HBO)

9:00 Mr. Selfridge (PBS)

Have we ever seen Louise this desperate before?

No. We haven’t. It was unsettling. Rarely do we see Louise get so frazzled that she makes rookie mistakes. With her beloved ears snagged by high school bully Logan, we saw her grasp at straws while trying to recover them. In so doing, her attempts were half-hearted, non-threatening and haphazard. She wasn’t the Louise we all know and love … the scheming Louise, the Louise who flirts with “the dark side,” the “I have a plan” Louise. It wasn’t until she enlisted the services of the biker gang One-Eyed Snakes (Really, writers?!?) that the Louise of old returned to form.

At the 2011 edition of Comic-Con, I asked creator / executive producer / writer Loren Bouchard and if we were going to get to the bottom of the mystery of Louise’s ears. Well, we didn’t get the answer in “Ear-sy Rider” but we were rewarded with a gem of an episode that orbited around her. Because the 3rd season premiere of Bob’s Burgers shook things up and took us out of our comfort zone. That’s what made it the spiffy premiere that it was. And it did so with a lot more than the uncomfortability and desperation exhibited by Louise. For example: More head-cranking than Mudflap quaffing beers while about to bear her child was Teddy’s declaration of how she should proceed with the birthing: “Just pretend it’s lasagna …” What the … ?!? I didn’t know whether to blow my drink through my nose or squinch up my face in revulsion.

But I know better. I know better than to believe there’s anything atypical about Bob’s Burgers. That’s what makes the show what it is … and why it’s not for everyone. I’ve tried turning lots of people on to the show and I’ve been successful in a handful of my attempts. Let’s face it: The show is so far left of center sometimes that it leaves the unsuspecting scratching their heads.

And the folks putting Bob’s together are just as “interesting” as the characters. Let’s take a recent call I was fortunate to sit in on with H. Jon Benjamin and the aforementioned Loren. Jon, the card and wit that he is, wi’ll catch you off-guard just as easily as skew an answer to any question:

Michael: Jon, is there an episode or story you’d like to see come to life with 20 episodes of Bob’s Burgers under your belt?

H. Jon Benjamin: I’d probably like to eventually see them go on vacation or something. Like … that’s inevitable, right? I’d like to see it jump the shark. They’re going to go to Hawaii or something. Right? I don’t know if they couldn’t afford Hawaii, but maybe some country in the midst of a revolution, where the flights are affordable. Like West Africa.

M: Come on Jon, get real. They don’t have any money. They’re having problems paying rent as it is …

HJB: That’s why I said they could get good deals to certain countries where not many people vacation … like Haiti right after the hurricane.

M: Yeah … that might be better.

HJB: So, yeah … maybe something like that. I don’t think they’ve been on vacation, so I think they deserve one. And that’s all I have to say about that …

See what I mean?

Additionally during the call, it was confirmed there will be a crossover Bob’s Burger/ Archer episode. But then again, that information came courtesy of Jon … who wants the Belcher clan to vacation in Haiti. After a hurricane. So take that with grain of salt.

Note: Did anyone notice this was the third in a Belcher kid-centric trilogy? “Bad Tina” two airings ago featured Tina (duh) and “Beefsquatch” focused on the irascible Gene.

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A couple of weeks ago, I submitted my entry for the Annual Ted Marshall Open Television Death Pool. If you’ve never heard of it before, it’s a competition to see who can best predict the shows most likely to get cancelled in the upcoming television year. This is my first year participating, but I like my chances.

This time of year, as the new fall shows get ready to premiere, I often think back to a conversation that Brett and I had years ago. He’s long been the ratings guru at CliqueClack, and I’ve been trying to pick up some pointers from him for quite some time. In this particular case, we were wondering how the hell it is that TV executive keep their jobs. Most times, when fans make this particular statement, it is because someone somewhere had cancelled their beloved – yet underperforming – show. But Brett and I were looking at something different: how often new shows fail to see a second season.

I don’t know about you, but if I were successful at my job around 58% of the time, I’m not sure my boss would keep me around. But that is about how successful the combined broadcast networks were successful at having shows survive past their first year in 2011. When you look at two and three-year success rates, the numbers are much worse.

Let’s take a look at last season:

Of the three seasons that we’ll look at, 2011, should have the best numbers; the shows that premiered last year have only had to survive one summer to still be on the air. 42% of the shows that premiered last year are still on the air sometime this season (That’s 37 of 64). The CW looks to have performed the worst, and they benefit from not having yet made a decision — at least that I can find — about The Breaking Point yet; other than that, we’re only talking about two shows, Hart of Dixie and The LA Complex. NBC batted .500, with a fair mix of sitcoms (Whitney, Up All Night), non-scripted (Betty White’s Off Their Rockers, Rock Center with Brian Williams) and dramas (Smash, Grimm). They did have several high profile misses, though (The Playboy Club, The Firm, Awake, Are you there, Chelsea?). The Alphabet Network also had a particularly bad year with big projects, with Charlie’s Angels, Pan Am, The River and GCB not making the cut, but also saw big successes in Revenge, Scandal and Once Upon a Time.

After two years, the networks’ combined score is only 22%; that’s 36 of 46 shows no longer on the air today. ABC only has three shows it premiered in 2010 airing still (Happy Endings, Body of Proof, Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition); the other nine shows it premiered didn’t live past their first seasons. Despite what you might have heard, FOX’s Bob’s Burgers is still around, but it joins only Raising Hope as the survivors from the Class of 2010. NBC, however, easily had the worst year picking shows. That 7% represents one show, The Voice. Sure, that show’s done well enough for the network to give two cycles in a season a shot starting this spring, but that’s it. Shows like Law & Order: LA, Outlaw, The Cape, the Event and Undercovers all struggled and didn’t see a second season.

Of the three seasons we are looking at, 2009 will obviously have it the hardest to still have shows still airing, but that year manages to have done better overall than last year; 24% of those shows are still around (12 of 58). 33% of 2009 shows saw a second season (17) and 28% saw a third (14). For the purposes of these statistics, I counted ABC’s Cougar Town as cancelled, as the network did drop the show — even though it was picked up by TBS. Considering the summer start, I doubt ABC executives would have thought Rookie Blue would be the only surviving drama, leaving shows like V, FlashForward and Eastwick behind. Parenthood and Community are the only remaining NBC shows, though both have been on the bubble for several seasons. Only one of The CW’s nine shows remains — The Vampire Diaries – while Life Unexpected did stick around for a second season.

What can we learn from these numbers? I think it actually speaks to how fickle of an audience we are than true “failure” on behalf of these executives. I don’t envy their job; their successes and failures are very public, and they are dealing with millions of dollars. Moreover, we’ve seen networks like NBC stick with shows like Community when their ratings don’t necessarily support it; I’d argue that you don’t see enough of that anymore, but the fact that some networks are willing to take chances on behalf of a devoted fan-base is pretty cool.

Of course, I’d rather there wasn’t a metric crapton of non-scripted TV (read: reality) in my cable guide, so I guess nobody’s perfect.

A note about numbers: Anytime someone starts spouting numbers at you, most people would like to see where those numbers come from. I have to admit, I started with the biggest crowd-sourced databank there is: Wikipedia. ‘Ole Wiki has individual pages for each television season (2011, 2010, 2009); I started with a list of new primetime shows for each season/network and worked forward from there. Am I mistake prone? Keith and the rest of the editors will tell you that; I’m not claiming my Excel-aided math was perfect throughout. But you get the gist.

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