When Fifty Shades of Grey made its way through my circle of friends back in 2012, I picked it up and read it mostly so I would know what it was all my friends were talking about on Facebook. I was mildly curious, and it was this mild curiosity that kept me reading it until the final page. However, by the time the novel was over, I felt a closure with the characters. I didn’t care enough about their fates to pick up either of the two sequels. It was this same mild curiosity that caused me to accept the review invitation for the film, released today by Focus Features, and I have to say watching the film adaptation was even more painful to sit through than reading the first novel.

I think my biggest problem with Fifty Shades of Grey is that it’s billed as this great, sweeping love story that couples should want to watch unfold on the big screen this Valentine’s Day weekend. It’s about as romantic of a notion to me as Pretty Woman. Much like I never understood why a story about a rich man using a prostitute to his advantage and then taking her off the streets on a whim is considered an epic romance, I don’t understand why this one is billed as such either.

The relationship between Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele isn’t romantic, nor is it even healthy. But I get the way it’s romanticized on the big screen because it’s an escapism/fantasy for some and it begins innocently enough like a conventional love story for others. Anastasia is an awkward but intelligent college senior majoring in English lit who fills in on an interview with the successful Christian Grey as a favor for her sick roommate. It turns out that not only is he the incredibly rich and powerful owner of his company, but he’s also young and handsome. He is the type of man with a commanding presence, beautiful eyes and a boyish smirk that can make a woman swoon just by passing her by. Once you throw in that he can also pilot his own private helicopter to fly you to a different city to wine and dine you, I can see why that would make most women weak in the knees. To that end, he was cast well. Actor Jamie Dornan is easy on the eyes. I really didn’t have a problem with Dakota Johnson cast as Anastasia. She’s awkward but pretty like her parents (Don Johnson and Melanie Griffith). She bites her lip in a suggestive way during the appropriate scenes, and overall I think she’s a better young actress than the one they found to be in the Twilight films. She’s capable of showing a range of emotions, reacting to things like she was an actual human being and not just a caricature of one.

Anastasia is drawn to Christian because she finds him enigmatic and mysterious. Behind all the wealth and the prying eyes of the public is a man who shields the secrets of his private life to even those who are supposed to know him best. In turn, Christian is drawn to Anastasia because she’s like a blank slate waiting to be filled – in more ways than one (terrible pun inserted because it’s really nothing more than a terrible story line that you’d find in a poorly written porno). It seems Christian is a control freak with a capital “C.” His need to dominate trickles all the way from the boardroom of his corporate empire down to his personal relationships. This intense desire to be in control carries over to the bedroom, as Anastasia soon discovers.

Christian introduces Anastasia to the world of BDSM: doms and subs, whips and chains, handcuffs and playrooms filled with sex toys designed to inflict pain and desire until they’re maddeningly one and the same. However, their relationship is not even considered a healthy dom/sub relationship according to the rules of the BDSM community. Both individuals have to know upfront clearly what is expected of them and be comfortable with their roles. Anastasia is clearly not comfortable in her role, and I can’t say that I blame her. I don’t care what kind of upbringing he had or how much of a control freak he is, there are no excuses for the way he treats her in the book or the film. You don’t treat someone you love in that manner. Christian comes across as very one-dimensional and selfish. Anastasia is seen as an object of lust to dominate in his “Red Room” instead of a strong, intelligent, beautiful woman. I realize three things about Fifty Shades: (1) the sex has been watered down for consumption by the masses (even the old ladies next to me were not terribly offended), (2) it does not depict how the BDSM lifestyle probably really is (based on mutual consent) and (3) I don’t understand why anyone would want the “Christian Grey Experience,” which is apparently a thing now. If the experience is anything like it is in the film, it’d be awkward, frustrating and degrading.

One of the biggest problems plaguing this film is the coming together of Dornan and Johnson as Christian and Anastasia – they lack chemistry during the sex scenes. This is a pretty unforgivable blunder when like a third of the film is them having sex. Another major hurdle is making the story believable in an unabsurd kind of way, something I think it does a poor job of in the final product. Scenes that should be emotionally charged and powerful come across as nothing short of ridiculous, and I think this is perhaps heightened by the ultra-serious musical score provided by Danny Elfman. I love Danny Elfman, but in this particular case, his music just didn’t seem to fit certain scenes quite right. The lines are often corny and delivered so woodenly by the actors you’re not sure if they don’t understand what they’re saying or if they just didn’t want to be there that day. The negotiations for the contract between the two makes the entire thing so stilted that it takes all the spontaneity and excitement out of the relationship. Wait, isn’t marriage itself a contract that also takes some of the spontaneity and excitement out of some relationships? The jury is still out on that one.

However, all things considered, I do not feel this is the “worst film of all time.” The awkwardness of it makes it actually kinda funny in spots. The audience laughed at things that were probably not meant to be funny and there were some “hot and bothered” audience members in my showing who would shout out unexpected exclamations that also made it a funnier experience. But it is my humble opinion that the best thing about Fifty Shades of Grey is its soundtrack. It’s full of haunting refrains from the likes of Annie Lennox, AWOLNATION, Ellie Goulding and Beyonce. Leave it to Beyonce to take a Beyonce song and actually make it a better Beyonce song. It’s sort of like a musical Inception. What she does with the new arrangement for “Crazy in Love” left me breathless. I think people will be talking about the music much longer than they will be talking about the acting or the story. The only thing worse than the abrupt ending is the knowledge that there are two more novels lurking out there, and presumably, two more films waiting to be released.

Rosewater is the true story of resilience. It is about a little boy who grows up in Iran, a world filled with love of family, strength of character and danger. Maziar Bahari (Gael Garcia Bernal) grows up in a family of activists. At the early age of nine, he witnesses first-hand the atrocities one must endure when one wishes to be free and to have their voice heard. His father, Baba Akbar (Haluk Bilginer ), and sister Maryam (Golshifteh Farahani) were both imprisoned and tortured for speaking against the government of Iran and the “Supreme Ruler.” As a man, he stands on the precipice of a new world where 75% of the people of Iran are under the age of 35 and knowledgeable of the freedoms of the world thanks to cell phones, the internet and mass media. They are ready for change.

Bahari, the reporter from Newsweek, covers the elections of 2009 between Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Hossein Mousavi. He objectively films both sides in the election. The election appears to be rigged when he receives a call from Ahmadinejad’s headquarters claiming victory way before the polls are closed. He knows there will be trouble, and he is supposed to go back home to his pregnant wife, but he decides to stay. Maziar covers the protests and witnesses the shooting of several protesters, both men and women. He releases the tapes to Newsweek and naïvely thinks he will be okay. The next day he is awakened by two men who arrest him and take him away. Will Mazair Bahari make it out of captivity alive or will he meet the same fate as his father and sister — an early death?

Rosewater at its simplest form is about media suppression and to what lengths a country, a people, will go to suppress the truth. Atrocities are happening all over the world and Rosewater brings to light the degree to which a country will go to keep the truth from its people and the world.

The film has so many layers to it that it’s hard to digest them all in one viewing. It’s like peeling back the layers of an onion ‘til you get to its core, or picking one rose petal at a time ‘til there are none left. It captures you, enraptures you so you want to stay put ‘til you see the very last bit of it. I was mesmerized by the beauty of the land and the simplicity of a people goaded by a common cause. To fully capture the essence, the subtle nuance of all that is occurring, you need to see this movie several times.

I was totally unprepared for the beginning of Rosewater. Me and my spoiled American ways, I am used to sitting back and enjoying the movie I’m watching with no work involved. Rosewater did not let me do that. The beginning of the film was breath-taking but it was in Farsi, the language of Iran ,with English subtitles. I always find movies with subtitles taxing because you often miss things going on in the movie while you are reading the text, or you miss something important a character says because you are looking intently at what’s going on on the screen. I did both, wishing I could hit the rewind button so I could see what I missed. Jon Stewart did a fine job on his directorial debut.

Is it wrong of me to say I loved this movie? Not because of the horrific atrocities Maziar Bahari had to endure for 118 days in solitary confinement, but for the triumph of the human spirit. In the midst of all this man’s suffering, he could find humor in his captors taking interest in his sexual practices; that they could find comfort in admission of his wrong-doing and give him a reprieve from torture. Shear madness to you and I, but to his captors they thought they were breaking him, making him conform to their ways.

Silencing the freedom of human expression robs the entire world of its voices. Rosewater would not let the voice of the people of Iran be silenced thanks to Mazair Bahari and the many people who fought for his freedom. Jon Stewart got it right. I’m already excited to see it again.

A few major titles are coming to home video this week, including the multiple Oscar nominee Dallas Buyers Club. The film is nominated for six Academy Awards, including Best Picture, Best Actor and Best Supporting Actor. Matthew McConaughey has already won several awards for his performance (or weight loss) so he seems a shoo-in for the Oscar … although many would love to see Bruce Dern win for his performance in Nebraska. Jared Leto has also won some awards for his touching, sympathetic portrayal of transsexual Rayon, and my money is on him for the Oscar win as well. With the home video release, you’ll have time to judge for yourself before the ceremony on March 2. Be warned, it is a tough film to sit through, especially if your life has been touched by HIV/AIDS in any way.

Also out this week is the anticipated team-up of Stallone and Schwarzenegger in Escape Plan, the animated Free Birds, Baggage Claim and another version of Romeo & Juliet. Early digital releases include Thor: The Dark World, Austenland and The Armstrong Lie. Fans of classic action and horror will be happy with new Blu-ray releases of Night of the Demons, Witchboard and Death Wish, and Napoleon Dynamite celebrates its 10th anniversary! These titles and more are available February 4, and you can see all of the major highlights in our shopper’s guide. Click on a link to get more information or to make a purchase from Amazon.com.

MGM is well-known for being the studio that produced “more stars than there are in the heavens” as well as some of the most popular and beloved all-singing, all-dancing movie musicals of all time. One of MGM’s biggest stars from 1945 to 1956 was Esther Williams, who wasn’t a singer or a dancer, but who appeared in a string of the studio’s most popular musicals at the time. Not just musicals, but “aquamusicals” which showcased Williams’ real talent for swimming (Williams was signed by Louis B. Mayer because he wanted a sports star to compete with Fox’s popular Sonja Henie, an ice skater who made a series of successful ice-musicals).

After such hit films as Million Dollar Mermaid and Dangerous When Wet, Williams took time for maternity leave with the knowledge that she would return to star in the film Athena. But MGM decided to move forward with the film, rewrite it as a singing and dancing musical, and cast Jane Powell in the lead. Williams was then shuffled over to Jupiter’s Darling, starring alongside George Sanders, Howard Keel and Marge & Gower Champion. With Williams’ death in June (2013) at the age of 91, the Warner Archive Collection released (coincidentally?) Jupiter’s Darling as a Manufacture on Demand offering just two weeks later. (Michael Ansara, who passed away on July 31 — also at the age of 91 — appears briefly in the film.) Unfortunately, the film is one of Williams’ lesser efforts.

The story revolves around Willliams’ Amytis, a headstrong Greek woman betrothed to the future Roman dictator Fabius Maximus (Sanders). While he, and his mother, keep pressing her to set a wedding date, she keeps putting him off with “maybe next year.” It should be enough to send anyone running, but he’s smitten … much to the dismay of his mother (even if the marriage was arranged). Amytis would rather drive her chariot recklessly through the countryside or go shopping in town (yes, the female stereotype is on full display), even buying a slave, Varius, for her own slave Meta after she becomes smitten with him. The two, played by the dancing Champions, break into a bizarre song and dance number about the joys of being a slave. It’s okay if you have a pretty woman to slave alongside, I suppose.

But trouble is brewing outside the walls of Rome as Hannibal (Keel) is making his way to sack the city with his army and elephants. Amytis finds herself smitten and captured (along with Meta) by Hannibal, but she uses her feminine charms to make him delay his attack on her home (and there is some surprising suggestion of sexual conduct that probably got past the censors only because the two were shown in separate tents the next morning). But when Hannibal learns that Amytis is actually betrothed to Fabius, his feeling of betrayal leads to all-out war on Rome, forcing Amytis to make a major decision: stay and defend her home while being stuck in a loveless marriage, or “sacrifice” herself to Hannibal to save the city.

While the script for Jupiter’s Darling is a bit weak and very dated, the production value is top notch. The film uses a lot of outdoor locations, but even the interior sets have much more grandeur to them — even the tents — than anything in Land of the Pharaohs. The Archive Collection DVD presents the film in very good condition, preserving the film’s Cinemascope aspect ratio, bold, bright colors and stereophonic sound. What the film lacks, however, is the main selling point: Esther Williams swimming. She gets one big fantasy musical number in an insanely fabulous swimming pool, using her beauty to bring statues to life, but the other two times she’s in water, she’s teaching Hannibal to swim or trying to flee his soldiers. The tunes aren’t very memorable either, but Hermes Pan’s choreography for the Champions is interesting, innovative and beautiful as usual.

Besides the main feature, the DVD include a trailer and a deleted musical number which is certainly an interesting bonus. I don’t believe George Sanders was ever a song and dance man (even though he did sing in Call Me Madam with Ethel Merman, and recorded an album of love songs!), and that may be why the number was cut. Williams didn’t do her own singing, but Sanders must have because no one could have matched his very distinctive voice. It’s not terrible, but hearing him croon a love duet with Williams is just totally unexpected. The song, however, is short as it turns into yet another dance number for the Champions (who seem to be the real stars of the film … and their dance with Hannibal’s elephants would have had PETA in an uproar). Jupiter’s Darling isn’t a bad movie, it’s just bland and suffers from not having enough of the expected Esther Williams swimming spectacle.

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Big Brother started two weeks early this year as the fifteenth season premiered on CBS on June 26. The show normally debuts the week after July 4th, so the fans are getting some extra time to spend with their favorite hamsters this summer … but will this cast of characters even be worth the three days a week in primetime, 7 nights a week on Big Brother After Dark (now on TVGN, which unlike Showtime Too, has to mercilessly edit the audio feeds making entire conversations sometimes unintelligible), and 24/7 on the live feeds?

I would have said yes, probably, after watching the first episode but by the fourth episode of the season, the first live eviction, my feelings on the show and this cast in particular have changed drastically. Perhaps it’s a sign of an aging show (similar to what Survivor has gone through), but it seems the casting process now is to find beautiful, vapid people who are less interested in the game than they are in being on TV and having a “showmance.” Yeah, it’s now become a hookup show. I started watching Big Brother with the third season, and they had some terrific people with a wide range of personalities and life experience: Marcellas Reynolds, Amy Crews, Chiara Jude, Danielle Reyes, Eric Ouellette, Jason Guy and Gerry Lancaster immediately come to mind as the standouts of that season, with age ranges from 23 to 51! This season’s cast members range in age from 22 to 37.

And now, some of the younger ones are showing their maturity level … at least to the people watching the live feeds. CBS and producer Allison Grodner go to great lengths to make sure what we see in primetime is a carefully crafted, non-offensive game show featuring the “real” personalities of the House Guests. But anyone watching the live feeds knows that what CBS creates for network viewing is more fantasy than reality. It was tough to stomach Thursday’s episode in which Aaryn was portrayed as the innocent, angelic blonde with a cute crush on surfer dude David after hearing the horrible things she’s been saying. In fact, at this point Aaryn, David, Kaitlin, GinaMarie, Jeremy, Amanda and Spencer have all shocked viewers with their racist, misogynistic, homophobic comments.

Aaryn’s been the worst of the bunch so far with such gems as “be careful what you say in the dark; you might not be able to see that bitch,” (about Candice, the single black female in the house), “No one’s gonna vote for whoever that queer puts up,” about gay HG Andy, and “Shut up. Go make some fucking rice,” to Asian HG Helen. Nice. But it doesn’t stop there. GinaMarie has chimed in that Helen “should be kissing our ass and serving us some fucking rice,” and “you know two blacks stick together. They’re like tokens” (referring to Candice and Howard, the one black male in the house). David, who was thankfully the first one evicted, said that the sheets smelled bad because of “black Candice.” Amanda called Andy “Faggoty Ann” and Spencer called him “Kermit the fag.” Spencer also praised Hitler’s speaking abilities and said the medical torture by the Nazi doctors was beneficial. Jeremy simply thinks of women as nothing but sex objects and has called some of them in the house “c–ts.”

As the fans, and now the media, have caught on to what’s being said by the House Guests, CBS’ response has been the same as it was in the past when other House Guests behaved badly, like “America’s Sweetheart” Jeff Schroeder, who went on an anti-gay rant during his season. CBS’ reaction to that was to cast him on Big Brother a second time, as well as The Amazing Race, and gave him a show online in which he interviewed the evicted House Guests. This season he was given the job of interviewing the HGs before they went into the house. I suppose by that measure Aaryn will be the head of programming at CBS by the time this season is over. She’s going to need the job, however, because karma has already bitten her in the ass, and she doesn’t even know it! Her employer Zephyr Talent, a modeling agency in Texas, has dropped her from their roster after her comments. GinaMarie is also oblivious to the fact that her employer, East Coast USA Pageants, Inc., has also fired her because in her position of being a role model to young girls, they actually found her comments to be not something they want her protegés to look up to.

Knowing how these people talk amongst themselves really kills the fun of watching Big Brother. The producers have allegedly made an announcement to the House Guests to stop using racist language in the house, but will a verbal admonishment with no threat of consequences within the game really change the behavior of these people? Does CBS think that this unusual amount of publicity the show is now receiving will actually help the show, which has seen some of its lowest-ever ratings? There’s no such thing as bad publicity, right? I have a feeling that if the offensive comments continue — and things could get even worse after this week’s eviction and HoH competition, and the apparent cheating perpetrated by the winner — CBS is going to find itself in more of a publicity nightmare with viewers fleeing the show in droves. I don’t know that I want to spend three more months with these people, and I’m betting negativity surrounding this cast will take its toll on the show. The best suggestion I’ve seen so far: evict the entire cast and start over.

UPDATE: Spencer’s employer is also looking into taking action against him as well. Being a union worker, they may have less options than Aaryn’s or GinaMarie’s but the repercussions of racist rants continue to cause ripples.

UPDATE: In a surprise move, CBS did broadcast a collection of Aaryn’s comments accompanied by reactions from some of her housemates on the July 7th episode.

I enjoyed talking to Rogue’s Joshua Sasse and Leah Gibson, the gangster version of Lord and Lady Macbeth. Rogue, starring Thandie Newton, premieres Wednesday, April 3 at 9PM on DirecTV’s Audience network. The show surrounds a vengeance-focused cop, Grace (Newton), who runs a “rogue” undercover investigation on  gangster Jimmy Laszlo. She suspects someone affiliated with his operation can reveal the truth behind her son’s mysterious death. UK-raised Josh plays Jimmy Laszlo’s impetuous son, Alec. Strong and hot-headed, he’s desperate to ascend to the throne in a kingdom run by a long-living monarch (think Prince Charles). Canadian Leah Gibson portrays his wife, Cathy, the brains behind the throne. Serving as her husband’s dark id or reverse Jiminy Cricket, she consistently pushes Alec to achieve roles or take action his father disavows. Each of the Lazslo family members, including Cathy (Gibson) and Alec (Sasse), have an odd relationship with Grace (Newton), alternating between interest,  camaraderie, jealousy, desire and distrust.

While Sasse’s character, Alec, speaks with an American accent, in the show Sasse carried himself like an East London boxer, coiled and tightly wound. During our brief chat, his polished Exeter voice utterly surprised me. In fact, with his tightly buttoned oxford shirt, his European red scarf and his definitive opinions, he reminded me of James Purefoy. Is there a school that British actors attend where they learn to rock scarves, opinions and utter confidence with casual aplomb? If so, sign me up! On the show, Sasse is striking. His eyes consistently arrested me as a viewer. However, in person, his casual intelligence and uber-confidence struck me even more. He analogized Philadelphia’s Old City with Georgian architecture, which is true, and described their remaining press junket. In contrast to her co-star’s intensity, Leah is utterly bubbly, open and adorable. Rocking silver heels and artfully torn leggings, she easily talked about herself, her family and her personal life. I hope she doesn’t lose that cheerful openness as her career progresses. I just wanted to invite her out for beers and a guy gab-fest afterwards.

Prior to Josh and Leah’s arrival, my fellow on-line co-writers and I discussed the show’s most striking scenes. You know the show’s skewed towards an adult audience because, well, it features a lot of sex. A LOT. I started off the interview by asking how the two choreographed their love scenes, particularly a visually arresting glass-walled one. Josh made certain we understood that “it’s telling a story” and not an “empty bit of porn” for “sex’s sake.” Note: I think I had a similar conversation with James Purefoy who also rocked a scarf. Leah revealed they “discussed the scene for two weeks.” It possibly resonated with her longer as it served as her audition scene. I’m always happy when actresses indicate gender awareness. Gibson proudly pointed out a female director choreographed the third episode featuring their defining scene. Overall, both actors viewed the scene as “strong” and “powerful” with “high emotional stakes.” You’ll understand when you see it. However, I realized you cannot star in Rogue, unless you have a perfect body. Trust me.

Although Leah based her character on strong female archetypes, her understanding of Cathy popped in that scene. In contrast, Josh initially based his on Charles Manson i.e. a quiet powder keg waiting to explode. (Interestingly, I had a similar conversation with James Purefoy.) Revealing a startling understanding of his character, Josh explicated Jimmy’s sons as his two sides: one is the brains and the other the impetuous brawn. The characters and the scenes are intense. To de-stress, Leah admitted doing a LOT of yoga while Josh purchased an old Dodge that he used to investigate the city. I remember playing a suicidal student once in my early 30s. Let me tell you, I couldn’t stop crying after the day ended. I completely understood. It was nice watching Leah and Josh as they easily interacted with each other. We introduced a topic and they ran with it while finishing each other’s sentences, casually indicating their on-screen husband and wife relationship.

Josh admitted the script’s high quality attracted him while depicting his awareness of other mobster shows by delineating other shows like Boardwalk Empire which he correctly categorized as nostalgia, and describing show creator Matthew Parkhill’s writing as “incredible” in its “complexity” and “intricacy” of intertwining worlds.

At the end of the interview, Josh appeared willing to stand beside a Rogue poster so I could grab a photo. But, I wanted to photograph him with Leah. Unfortunately, once he sat back down, Cathy found herself pulled into a conversation and Josh into another. Oh, well. Sorry, ladies. Mea Culpa. Rogue comes out next week. For a sneak preview, check out the show at the below sites. Also, for a full audio of the interview, listen below!

Website: Directv.com/rogue
Facebook: Facebook.com/RogueDIRECTV
Twitter: Twitter.com/RogueDIRECTV

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzY70NHFb2k

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Last year, our own Katie Schenkel met our comedy writer extraordinaire Jay Black. As with Katie, Jay noticed one of his shows occurred in my area and invited me along for the ride. As it took place in my old stomping grounds, of course, I had to attend.

But, I was a little afraid. I’m not going to lie. In fact, I had several pre-show fears all lined up:

#1) What if I’m offended?
If you haven’t guessed by reading even ONE of my posts, I’m a card-carrying member of the feminist brigade. I still believe Wonder Woman should wear straps and Superman should rock heels. I totally expected to absolutely hate it, bristle in umbrage, flying tackle him and fist punch him to the ground halfway through his set.

Answer: I wasn’t offended in the slightest. He was fucking hilarious. Even with the joke that he claimed might offend women, he set it up so gradually that you couldn’t take offense. And, on that joke, he’s totally right. But, I’ll deny it in public. He apologized later for making such dirty jokes to me, which surprised me because a) that’s his job, b) I’ve read his posts and CC e-mails and c) that was the CLEANEST set I’ve seen. In fact, I’m offended I wasn’t offended. Seriously, Jay, step it up.

#2) What if he isn’t funny?
I know. I know. His posts are hilarious. Sure, he’s done a pretty good job on the comedy circuit (OK, an awesome job), but some humor doesn’t translate to the stage. I remember seeing a pre-30 Rock, post-Uptown Comedy Club Tracy Morgan live. It was horrendous. It surrounded two hours of watching a drunk man play with his penis (metaphorically and otherwise) and fondle his naked torso. Seriously, I STILL want my money back. I finally realized Tracy Jordan’s a comedian I should enjoy on TV, not in reality. But, I still feared … what if Jay’s someone I should read, not watch?

Answer: He wasn’t just funny, he was fucking hilarious. Seriously, even when he stepped outside his typical routine, you couldn’t tell, because everything looked polished, confident and flowed seamlessly. His transitions: awesome. His connection with the audience: amazing. He used levels on stage: the floor, kneeling, squatting, standing and sitting. I did five years of improvisational interaction at local ren faires. It’s hard. But, everything he did looked easy, natural and heartfelt. He didn’t pretend not to notice details in the audience and was honest. Mentally, I smirked about the 10-year-old-looking faux brick wall with the 70s fluorescent stripes (what is it with brick walls and racing stripes at comedy clubs?), which he called out during his routine. Plus, all of his jokes connected back to each other. It was a masterpiece.

#3) What if the other comedians aren’t funny? Jay’s show took place not in the suburbs of Philly, but the suburbs of the suburbs. While I love and have a history with the town he performed in, let’s just say Podunk doesn’t cover it. Bumblefuck does. I kept thinking, can D-Town really attract decent talent? I saw an abysmal amateur hour in the heart of Philadelphia last year. Each act proved increasingly worse (including the headliner) until I came down with a major case of stone-face-itis. I deliberately facially killed many an act that night. I feared sitting in the D-Town audience for two hours and sharing my stone-face epidemic with the audience.

Answer: The other two comedians weren’t just funny, they were fucking hilarious. Clearly, I need to drive to the wilds of outer Philadelphia to find good comedy. In fact, my favorite joke included a cancer one which no one in the audience liked. It was FUNNY, people!!!

Side note: The club’s waitress was amazing. She thought I over tipped her (and tried to give a dollar back). She also offered to get me coffee from downstairs when I asked if they sold any. They didn’t. (Side side note: what is up with comedy clubs and no coffee?, don’t they want us AWAKE and watching their performers?! DON’T THEY?! Actually, never mind on that.)

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Once upon a time, there was this show called The Big Bang Theory with very obscure nerd references and over-the-top nerd stereotypes as primary protagonists. Sure, the show also had Penny, a female character that primarily served as three roles: 1) the straight, “normal” character who didn’t get the references, 2) the object of lust by everyone except the not-interested-in-sex Sheldon Cooper and 3) an idiot who struggled to keep up. At first, Leonard was the main character, utterly boring and milquetoast, basically an average version of the stereotypes inhabited by the other characters.

Sheldon was the “Asperger’s without explicitly calling it that” amoral, overly rational one, only concerned with science and obsessions. An exaggeration in some ways, but in others the most consistently realistic and consistently funny character.

Howard was the offensive self-hating Jewish nerd stereotype, smart but not as smart as the others, lustful and perverted to nonsensical degrees. But the only endlessly unfunny aspect was the inclusion of his off camera mother, never seen but with a horribly, ludicrously offensive portrayal of an overbearing Jewish mother. I will never forgive the show for that.

Raj was the token nerd of color, eschewing the more predictable East Asian (meaning Japan, China, and Korean primarily) for an Indian nerd, albeit one literally unable to speak to women without being intoxicated. At first this character quirk was amusing, albeit cartoonishly unrealistic, although the idea of a shy nerd is certainly a real thing. But it became literally a psychosomatic disorder, as Raj could speak to women when he merely thought he was drunk (but had only consumed non-alcoholic drinks).

And then there was dear Leonard, the point-of-view character who was the most “normal,” in that he was relatively decent, realistically awkward, and smart but not inaccessibly so. And his pursuit of Penny as a romantic interest — while problematic in a manner of ways, which I’ll get into in a minute — was the driving character and plot arc for the beginning of the show’s run.

As the show continued, two things happened. Female characters who were also intelligent (unlike Penny) were introduced, and two (Bernadette and Amy) were actually fleshed out more as characters (in a manner of speaking). And all nerd related humor and jokes became flattened and normalized, changing from something like an obscure Star Wars reference (like a joke about Mon Mothma, who is a minor character never named onscreen) to a generic one (like mentioning Chewbacca or C3P0). The former change was a good one, because it helped move away from the dated, sexist nonsense with the “dumb blonde” archetype. The latter change certainly helped the show appeal to a broader audience, but it lost its unique nerdy charm. It became just another sitcom. The ultimate goal was now the common societal one of “guy and girl physically getting together.”

Have there been problematic elements continuously? Sure! The homophobic humor centered around Raj and Howard. The “this would be considered anti-Semitic if the show’s creator wasn’t Jewish” relationship between Howard and his mother. Howard with everything other than his relationship with Bernadette. Slut-shaming Penny and “nerd-shaming” the guys. The weird religious jokes about Sheldon’s background. But at least Sheldon was never wavering from his pride in what he cared about and lack of concern over what other people thought. Leonard was always ashamed, at least a little bit.

But then things got … worse.

Even from the beginning, the guys were portrayed as the “other,” negatively compared to the “normal” people, but at least we were meant to empathize with their struggles and the show didn’t demean their love of games, comic books, and sci-fi movies. It didn’t before but now it totally does. This has culminated in last week’s episode “The Bakersfield Expedition” which was worse because it was actually trying not to do what it did. The guys are off to some random convention, and plan to dress in pretty accurate Star Trek: the Next Generation costumes. This was the best part of the episode, those couple of moments where the guys engaged in a non-ironic love of a meaningful television program about future spacemen flying around with robots and aliens. Love of something, regardless of how popular or mainstream it is, shouldn’t be considered negative. Unfortunately, the episode then proceeded to make me madder and madder.

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Best Wedding – Liz and Criss, 30 Rock
If I had to choose a favorite TV wedding, I should probably say that my favorite is Monica and Chandler’s, or Jim and Pam’s, or Marshall and Lily’s. But as I’ve mentioned before, my stance on weddings is, to put it lightly, highly atypical. And my wedding, should I ever have one, is going to resemble Liz and Criss’ on this week’s 30 Rock far more than anyone in my life probably feels comfortable with.

Look, I’m with Liz (shocker) — the wedding-industrial complex is nuts and I have no desire to have a big party where I have to be nice to people I never wanted to invite and look the most like I a beautiful princess I have ever looked in my life. Weddings, in my opinion, should ideally reflect the couple and the kind of life they want to share with each other. And maybe some people want to share a perfect fairytale life, but that sounds like a lot of pressure to me. Give me a small, personally significant, completely ridiculous and goofy wedding any day, because life is never going to be a perfect fairytale. But if you’re lucky, it will be a fun, silly gathering of close friends who love you, and of course, a few who don’t but are just there for the ride. And let’s be real, who wants to be Cinderella when you can be Princess Leia? No one I want to hang out with, that’s who.

Show Finally Coming Into Its Own - The Mindy Project
I have in my drafts folder the beginnings of an article on how The Mindy Project was both my most anticipated show of the season and also my biggest disappointment, because I could see all the potential it had but it just seemed so scattered and unable to reach it. I kept watching, though, because I like to give shows I see potential in what I call “The Parks and Recreation cushion”, i.e.: six or so episodes to try and find their voice, and The Mindy Project seems to have done that. They seem to have realized that what works best is not trying to occupy every character, but to have a Mindy plot and a B plot, and give Mindy Kaling time to do what Mindy Kaling does best: opine on vaguely girly matters in a down-to-earth, slightly ridiculous way.  For example, on the phone to her BFF: “Gwen, you’re so smart. I wish we were lesbians so we could get married. I mean, I wouldn’t want to have sex or anything. Maybe a little kissing.” Raise your hands if that’s a conversation you and your BFF have had. I’m guessing pretty much every hand just went up.

Most Disappointing Episode - Suburgatory, “Friendship Fish”
I was really in the mood for Suburgatory this week. It was one of those weeks where I was gleefully anticipating Wednesday and watching old episodes on Hulu. But sadly, this week’s Suburgatory fell victim to one of the classic episode ruiners: product placement. Usuually product placement is a throwaway line about a character’s great new car, but this week Tessa’s entire storyline was about her new Windows tablet, and it was terrible. Even George and Dallas’ fun and frankly adorable storyline about George losing his city edge couldn’t make up for a storyline that was so bad it involved a talking fish. I think that should be a new rule of television writing, actually: if your storyline involves a talking fish giving life advice, it’s probably a good idea to do a re-write.

Best Episode of the Week - New Girl, “Eggs”
Here is how you know this episode of New Girl was great; as I sat write this section I reached a dread writer’s block, which I dealt with in the normal way – going to the bathroom, cleaning my gerbils’ cage, and finally sitting there drumming my laptop and saying in my best Nick Miller voice, “I got nothing,” while the Winston voice in my head went, “it’s like you don’t want to write!”

No, Winston voice, sometimes I do not.

Therein lies the genius of this week’s New Girl, it’s relatability. Everyone has written a paper the way Nick wrote Z is for Zombie (which, incidentally, I would give a lot of money to read). Everyone has been Winston, trying to be responsible and settled while their friends are still running around and not respecting their adjusted schedule. Everyone’s been Schmidt and realized too late that they have feelings for someone they never wanted to have. And everyone’s been Jess and Cece, both wanting the future to happen and being terrified of the ticking clock we all try so hard to ignore. And on top of that relatability we got layered in what New Girl is best at: Jess and Cece’s amazing friendship, Schmidt balancing ridiculous with accidentally deep (that sound you heard during the monologue in the gynecologist’s office was the sound of Max Greenfield nominating himself for an Emmy), and tying it all together, the feeling that Jess and her boys in apartment 4D are the strange and wonderful sort of found family that everyone wants to one day find.

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Watching Gossip Girl has been a guilty pleasure of mine for some time now. I mean, let’s face it: a thirtysomething single hetrosexual male probably isn’t their demographic. Despite that disconnect, I’ve watched every episode covering the exploits of our (my?) favorite Upper-East-Siders for five solid seasons now. Unfortunately, in the show’s sixth and final season, something has happened, and what we’re seeing on the screen is just plain bad.

I get that there are many that would argue that the show has been “plain bad” for a while now – like since the first episode. The show has been defined by unbelievable plot twists and turns – and not “unbelievable” in a good way – and has seen characters flipping personalities at the drop of a hat. But I’m not a fan because of the show’s well-thought out season long arcs, but because I like the way the dialogue is written. To call it smart and rapid-fire and compare it to Aaron Sorkin or Amy Sherman-Palladino is probably a stretch — and insult an insult to those wordsmiths — but the character’s of Gossip Girl have always had a very unique way of speaking. Plus, the show is as full of pop-culture (and New York City) references as much of what Sorkin and AS-P have written in the past. I appreciate a show that makes you think about what the characters are actually saying.

But this sixth season has been nearly insulting to watch. The character flip-flopping and changing personalities that fans have come to tolerate on a quarter-season basis are now happening in single episodes … and occasionally several times in one week. Long time readers know I often complain about manufactured obstacles to couples’ getting together, but the metric tonnage of obstacles that have been created to keep Blair and Chuck separated would take an aircraft carrier to remove from Manhattan. Worst of all is the quality of the acting this season. There have been a couple of scenes where the line delivery has been so wooden I wondered if the talent had been replaced by trees … with mouths … well, the analogy worked in my head.

Gossip Girl has never been home to a collection of Emmy-caliber performances, but it has certainly turned in much better work. It’s a shame, especially for fans who were excited for the show’s half-season pickup to bring the narrative to a close. Instead of ten episodes of closure, we’ve seen storylines launched in different directions with characters acting way out of character (There are other examples, but Nate sleeping with a high school student and cooking the Spectator’s books are two of the more obvious). The show has three episodes left to bring the story to a close, but at this point, the only things I’m looking forward to is counting the number of times Dan and Serena can breakup and get back together again, and the inevitable Kristen Bell cameo.

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