Let it be said up front: Comment-wise, I’m well aware I’m (probably) going to get lambasted for this edition of CommercialClack. But that doesn’t scare me. I have big shoulders … I can take it. Besides, I’m just callin’em as I see’em.

Yes, the annual Super Bowl Commercial Frenzy is upon us, ready to invade our television sets between seemingly endless 1st downs and time outs. Lucky for us (such that that luck is) a select few are available for preview prior to Sunday’s main event. And I’ve decided to feature a couple of them for your (chicken wing) dining and (end zone) dancing pleasure.

Honestly: I don’t know what Mercedes-Benz was thinking with the approval of this “Kate Upton Washes …” spot. It’s a substandard piece of advertising at best and on quite a few different levels … the “mockery” level definitely being one of them.

How ’bout a little breakdown as I see it? Good … glad you’re on board.

Firstly: What the hell is she wearing? Support hose? Fake and bake tanning stockings? I have no earthly idea. I’m happy to state I’m not “up” on my knowledge of female hosiery, so whatever they are I’m glad to be ignorant of them. As a bonus, I don’t have any desire whatsoever to go hunting for answers, either. All I know is their “stirrup” aspect caught my eye right away as the camera began at her feet and began panning up. Now here’s the thing, marketing gurus: If you’re going to (try and) present a sexy commercial featuring a supermodel? Granny leggings ain’t gonna do the trick. (I may be wingin’ it with that statement, but I don’t really think so.)

Then? Well … how ’bout we lie right at the viewing public about Kate washing the new Mercedes? (She does no such thing. She blows a gob of dripping soap bubbles off her hand and that’s it.) Imagine: An ad spot that outright lies to us! The gall … !!!

Several shots later of a wet and obviously-not-being-washed-by-Kate Mercedes CLA, we get 10 seconds of slow motion chest bouncing coming at us (where are the 3D glasses when you need’em?!?) complete with overly-stated hair caressing, face stroking and come hither looks from our Sports Illustrated femme. (Note that nowhere is the Mercedes in this sequence.)

Nor is it in the shot where she tells football player #80 he’s “missed a spot.”

But! The front of the car is there in the next scene as she turns tail and walks away from the washing crew in all her legging-wearing, muffin-topped glory.

Hokay … I’m exhausted. Exhausted over all that hype without a thing (in my opinion) to show for it. I’m stunned Mercedes committed 3 million (upward of 4 million?) to air this drivel during the Super Bowl, not to mention the time and effort utilized to put it together. But I really shouldn’t be surprised. Why? Because there’s a group of people out there who will appreciate the cute face, the smoldering looks and the blond tresses Upton is so good at offering. Me? I’m the furthest thing from being a card-carrying member of such a contingent. Her charms fall on deaf eyes. And as an advertising piece? This commercial doesn’t even work as a teaser for me.

Much, much better is Mercedes-Benz’ “Soul” ad featuring Willem Dafoe, a dapper Usher, brilliant Rolling Stones’ tunage (“Sympathy For The Devil”) and — thankfully — a mere few seconds of Upton … albeit it looking scads more glamorous than her corn-fed country girl visage as a (faux) washer woman:

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPNr0_6MnDo

Weigh in and let me know what you think about the two ads.

Meanwhile, I’ll patiently wait for my CareerBuilders spots (previously seen (here and here) to make their appearances. Bring on the monkey business …

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When I first viewed the piece “Inventions For Lazy People” I was alternately aghast and amused.

Certainly, there are a few things on the list which might just make you shake your head in wonder. Pre-wrapped potatoes? As someone who almost always eats the skin of his tubers, I’m suspect right from the get-go about the cleanliness of said skins. A chocolate stirrer built right into the mug? Sounds to me like additional clean up work would offset any benefit you’d get from it. And the banana slicer and brownie contraptions are just plain dumb. It just so happens I’ve had experience with the latter — out of curiosity — and here’s the deal (because there’s usually “a deal”): Getting that thing ready for use is not only a bear, but making certain there are no errant crumbs or other hangers-on during the washing of it is a literal pain in the ass. I figure the banana slicer offers a similar, unneeded chore after its use.

And come on: You knew sooner or later an all-in-one shampoo/conditioner/body wash was in the cards long, long ago. (Helpful Suggestion: Toss a depilatory in the mix and you might really have something there.)

The truly dumb contraptions, however, are the twirling spaghetti fork and the motorized ice cream cone. My take is that if you’re really on a mission to eat either of these two items and you need one or the other of these “space age inventions” to aid in your efforts, you are indeed lazy.

But that’s not the reason I’m here, to sneer at folks too uppity to peel their own eggs or who find making smores too tedious.

I’m here to talk about an institution, people. I’m here to angrily call out the creator of the “Inventions For Lazy People” list who so wantonly pooh-pooh’d a vaunted product we all know and love … whether we actually own one, have given one or made comment to friends and family we could use one.

I’m talking about a product that was a verifiable hit when it first came on the market in the mid-1980s. That’s right: I’m talkin’ about The Clapper.

Let me tell you something: Your folks wanted one of these when it first came out. Your cousin Jeb wanted one. The neighbors down the street and Uncle Milty the grocer across town all wanted a Clapper when it first hit the stores. You weren’t keeping up with The Joneses if you didn’t have The Clapper in your home or apartment or double-wide trailer. Little known fact: There was mayhem and chaos in the streets in September of 1986 from all the people rushing hither and yon to get to their local Thrifty Drug Stores to acquire one.

Suddenly, it wasn’t a problem if you forgot to turn your light off after you’d gone to bed. Because, with The Clapper, there was immeasurable convenience at the clap of your hand! “With patented sound-activated technology The Clapper allows you to turn on and off your lights / TV/ radio and many other household appliances with a simple clap of your hand.” Genius!

Oh, sure … we have automated movement-sensing doodads that will do the trick nowadays … but what do you think was the grandfather of them all? That’s right! The Clapper!

Sliced bread might be the bee’s knees, but The Clapper is accommodation personified! Wanted! Needed! Immortalized in song! It’s been secured in pop culture and the history of television and film everywhere by the likes of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, The Simpsons, Austin Powers … and even God Himself!

The Clapper is beyond reproach!

Yes, I know: The jingle in the commercial could have been recorded with the final “The Clapper” (monotonously titulated by that man and woman duo) with a little more enthusiasm. And the voice over in the commercial could have been done as if the guy wasn’t itching to be anywhere else when he reported the benefits of The Clapper. But hey … then can’t all be gems. Besides … that tune is a mainstay that makes our nation proud.

The Clapper: Developed, created, manufactured, marketed and sold in the good ‘ole U.S. of A. You think they issue United States patents to any old invention? Hell no! Only the finest, people … only the finest!

The writers/editors who put that “Inventions For Lazy People” list together ought to be ashamed of themselves for including The Clapper among the other detritus. I have serious doubt they’re even flag-waving red, white and blue Americans.

Serious. Doubt.

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