For everyone who watched the abysmally terrible G.I. Joe film, Rise of the Cobra (2009), worry not. G.I. Joe: Retaliation redeems itself admirably. Directed by Jon Chu and written by Zombieland writers Rhett Rheese and Paul Wernick, Retaliation returns the film to a more realistic version of its 1980s cartoon origins while dropping the first film’s hideous foolishness. The mind-washed Baronness? Gone.  An inane romp through Paris? Finito. Marlon Wayans? Nary a site.

In lieu of 2009’s overgrown male child’s fantasy complete with convoluted plots and cartoon-ish characters, Rheese, Wernick and Chu ground the sequel in contemporary reality by focusing on the Joe task force as an elite U.S.-based anti-terrorist squadron — what the first film SHOULD HAVE DONE, but DIDN’T. Instead of creating “fun,” “new” characters for no reason, the film returns to established canonical Joes like Roadblock, Lady Jaye and Flint while upgrading their personalities. On a 1980s faithfulness scale, special effects scale, acting scale, and plot scale, the film did well. Although it didn’t knock each category out of the ball park, it was leaps ahead of the first offering, with a well-plotted script that tied up lose ends. In fact, I enjoyed it so much I’m shocked this didn’t serve as a summer entry.

1980s Nostalgia: Yay or Nay?  

As a child of the 1980s my favorites included Lady Jaye, Roadblock, Flint, Snake Eyes, and the gentle medic. So, of course, I squeed in my pants when they chose my favorites for the second film. While Lady Jaye and Flint skewed older in my childhood mind (early 30s), in the film they felt younger (mid-early twenties). Although Lady Jaye’s still a specialist in the film, Flint isn’t Duke’s rock-hard right-hand man. Instead, he’s a hothead who can’t stop getting into trouble. Textually, Lady Jaye proved a meaty part that they wrote well, bolstered with a mini-backstory and stayed true to my 80s memories. While Roadblock took on more of a leadership role, his love of weapons and steady head linked with my childhood memories. So, on a nostalgia scale, I give Retaliation a big Hoo-Rah!

2013 Writing Style: Yay or Nay?

It’s a “yay” all the way. Whenever I see an action film, my standards decrease 570% and I’m almost always STILL disappointed. But, Retaliation did not disappoint. The writers took time to connect the sub-stories together. Yes, the Storm Shadow/Snake Eyes murdered master bit felt tacked on, but they did a good job not overdoing it while folding it into the overarching plot. As a child I never understood Cobra commander’s desire to destroy the ENTIRE world. I mean seriously, where the hell would he go if he destroys China, Japan, the U.S., and Europe? Canada? Instead of explaining the crazy, the writers embraced it and made his cartoonish insanity more believably scary than 2009. No one can strut like Cobra Commander.

2013 Cast: Yay or Nay?

Hmm, it’s a Boo-Yay kinda day. The Yays. Let me tell you what worked. Dwayne Johnson. 178%. He was on fire. I have never seen him dominate the screen both physically and mentally as in this role. Everytime he appeared, he popped and I snapped to attention. While his biceps appear ten-times the size of the Rock circa the ’90s, the utter confidence he exuded amazed me. Do you know what the Rock is cooking? I do. It’s Dwayne Johnson’s mother-fucking hotness. While I’m not a Channing Tatum fan, I LOVED the improvisational-esque interactions between Roadblock and Duke. I would’ve paid $10 to watch those guys drive a bromantic humvee taking on international terrorists.

Bruce Willis, Byung-hun Lee and Ray Stevenson equally impressed me. I loved Willis’ understated, worn-in character with a quiet humor. Physically, Byung-hun Lee is impressive with am effing awesome  Storm Shadow-worthy intensity. Some of his dialogue fell of the beaten path, but no one seethes like him. Ray Stevenson’s charm oozed all over Firefly, making him a worthy villain.

The Nays: Adrianne Palicki’s Lady Jaye disappointed me. After the first 15 minutes, she came across as a standard pretty girl who I didn’t buy as a lifelong military brat with combat training and killer strength. There are very few Hollywood actresses that I believe could kick my 200+ ass. However, Sarah Michelle Geller (Buffy), Lucy Lawless (Xena), Gina Torres (Firefly), Victoria Prat (Cleopatra 2525), Kristen Bell (Veronica Mars), Thandie Newton and Grace Park (Hawaii 5-0) are a few. Pre-G.I.Joe Retaliation I would’ve added Palicki to the list, post-Retaliation not so much. D. J. Cotrona proved even less memorable. But, he played the role they wrote him. Unfortunately, Flint didn’t even get backstory. Outside her fight scenes, Elodie Yung gave the same stick figure, pretty girl performance as Palicki. (Question: Why is it the prettiest characters can’t keep their face masks on when undercover?)

The Action/Special Effects/Directing/Story – Yay or Nay? 

For me, it was good enough. They didn’t take advantage of the 3-D, even the mountain hopping scene didn’t require it.However, special effects-wise, rather than trying to wow us with the Joes’ cool tools, they made it more battle appropriate and utilitarian. Yes, I loved ALL of Roadblock’s toys and his cool wire cutters in the beginning, as well as Palicki’s target device in the beginning. Directing-wise Chu did an excellent job pulling from different genres. He appropriated Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon whenever Snake Eyes or Storm Shadow appeared — with punched up colors and beautifully plotted fight scenes. Although he switched to the standard action fare whenever Roadblock took center stage, Chu displayed beauty in firearms especially the final scene with Roadblock punching out rounds in slow motion. While my favorite scene surrounds Storm Shadow’s storming the castle and water sword fight complete with ripped off shirt. Only Lee could pull that off.

My least favorite included the five minute shot of Palicki’s naked butt. While I excused the cheesecake shots of Palicki’s chest (considering the 10 minute scene featuring a shirtless, water-soaked Lee), the five minute ass-shot spoke firmly of Michael Bay and sexist Hollywood practices. Considering the script and production values, this film didn’t need female ass shots. If the Joes teach young men about honor, they should include honoring the female body. This speaks to a greater cultural issue where male youths treat the female body like a commodity to misuse by taking visual cues from mainstream films and their surrounding community.

Outside of that scene, I really liked the story. Whenever an action flick goes full circle, I get excited. Unfortunately, I probably would’ve enjoyed the film more if I hadn’t just watched Olympus Has Fallen. Yes, Retaliation used a similar plot – the president kidnapped by an insane terrorist and only one man/team can save him. While Retaliation shared similar plot devices to Olympus which I don’t want to give it away during opening weekend, I still enjoyed it. This is the film they should’ve made first.

Suffice to say, for the 1980s child who cowered in the terror of Rise of the Cobra, fear not. Chu, Rheese and Wernick burned it in the backyard and used it to fertilize something better: Retaliation. Go Joe.

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