Let it be said up front: Comment-wise, I’m well aware I’m (probably) going to get lambasted for this edition of CommercialClack. But that doesn’t scare me. I have big shoulders … I can take it. Besides, I’m just callin’em as I see’em.

Yes, the annual Super Bowl Commercial Frenzy is upon us, ready to invade our television sets between seemingly endless 1st downs and time outs. Lucky for us (such that that luck is) a select few are available for preview prior to Sunday’s main event. And I’ve decided to feature a couple of them for your (chicken wing) dining and (end zone) dancing pleasure.

Honestly: I don’t know what Mercedes-Benz was thinking with the approval of this “Kate Upton Washes …” spot. It’s a substandard piece of advertising at best and on quite a few different levels … the “mockery” level definitely being one of them.

How ’bout a little breakdown as I see it? Good … glad you’re on board.

Firstly: What the hell is she wearing? Support hose? Fake and bake tanning stockings? I have no earthly idea. I’m happy to state I’m not “up” on my knowledge of female hosiery, so whatever they are I’m glad to be ignorant of them. As a bonus, I don’t have any desire whatsoever to go hunting for answers, either. All I know is their “stirrup” aspect caught my eye right away as the camera began at her feet and began panning up. Now here’s the thing, marketing gurus: If you’re going to (try and) present a sexy commercial featuring a supermodel? Granny leggings ain’t gonna do the trick. (I may be wingin’ it with that statement, but I don’t really think so.)

Then? Well … how ’bout we lie right at the viewing public about Kate washing the new Mercedes? (She does no such thing. She blows a gob of dripping soap bubbles off her hand and that’s it.) Imagine: An ad spot that outright lies to us! The gall … !!!

Several shots later of a wet and obviously-not-being-washed-by-Kate Mercedes CLA, we get 10 seconds of slow motion chest bouncing coming at us (where are the 3D glasses when you need’em?!?) complete with overly-stated hair caressing, face stroking and come hither looks from our Sports Illustrated femme. (Note that nowhere is the Mercedes in this sequence.)

Nor is it in the shot where she tells football player #80 he’s “missed a spot.”

But! The front of the car is there in the next scene as she turns tail and walks away from the washing crew in all her legging-wearing, muffin-topped glory.

Hokay … I’m exhausted. Exhausted over all that hype without a thing (in my opinion) to show for it. I’m stunned Mercedes committed 3 million (upward of 4 million?) to air this drivel during the Super Bowl, not to mention the time and effort utilized to put it together. But I really shouldn’t be surprised. Why? Because there’s a group of people out there who will appreciate the cute face, the smoldering looks and the blond tresses Upton is so good at offering. Me? I’m the furthest thing from being a card-carrying member of such a contingent. Her charms fall on deaf eyes. And as an advertising piece? This commercial doesn’t even work as a teaser for me.

Much, much better is Mercedes-Benz’ “Soul” ad featuring Willem Dafoe, a dapper Usher, brilliant Rolling Stones’ tunage (“Sympathy For The Devil”) and — thankfully — a mere few seconds of Upton … albeit it looking scads more glamorous than her corn-fed country girl visage as a (faux) washer woman:

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPNr0_6MnDo

Weigh in and let me know what you think about the two ads.

Meanwhile, I’ll patiently wait for my CareerBuilders spots (previously seen (here and here) to make their appearances. Bring on the monkey business …

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