Let’s be real – anyone who watches awards shows for the actual awards is probably a masochist, because as Ron Swanson has so rightly pointed out, they never go to the right people. But there is one reason I think we can all agree we watch awards shows – to judge what people (and by “people” I mean “women”, because suits are boring) are wearing.

I always, when judging, like to start with the good, though I’m unsure about Michelle Dockery‘s dress, which I have saved and labeled as “horramazing.” The gold I-think-it’s-lace is gorgeous, but it’s odd. First of all, it’s too high, and no one looks good in a turtleneck. (See also: what Kristen Bell was wearing.) But then it also doesn’t go down far enough on her body.  It should either end just above her bust or at her waist, and instead it floats in a weird rib nether region. It should be horribly unflattering and I should just put it away in the bad section, except… she looks gorgeous in it. Which is hardly a fair metric on Michelle Dockery, who would look gorgeous and poised in a potato sack, but she looks especially lovely. So who am I to judge, really? (I ask rhetorically as I prepare to continue to judge for the rest of this column.)

Here’s what I like about Kerry Washington‘s dress; not only is it fabulous, but it illustrates an excellent point, which is that there are some things white people should just not attempt. Call and response, for example, is something white people can’t really get away with. Another thing white people cannot get away with, though lord knows people have been trying and trying for the last five years, is the whole nude/taupe/old silly putty color dresses trend. You need skin pigment for that to provide contrast. You need, in short, to be as fabulous as Kerry Washington. And my, but doesn’t she look fabulous.

I realize right now that my bias is probably showing when I say that both Tina Fey and Amy Poehler looked (and were) flawless all night long, but they really were. Not only do they deserve all the praise that’s been raining in on them, but their stylists deserve big, fat raises. In particular, I thought Amy’s chic little suit (love a lady in a chic suit) on the red carpet and Tina’s sparkly presenting dress (she has never looked hotter) were the winners of the evening. Applause all around, ladies, now please host every awards show ever, and thanks.

As for the bad and/or ugly — I know I’m going straight into controversial territory putting Lucy Liu’s dress in this category. In my defense, I’ve been swinging back and forth on this one. On one hand, it’s great to see a print, she certainly doesn’t look boring, I love her hair, and Lucy Liu is another person you can stick in a potato sack and she’d still look gorgeous. The problem is, my initial reaction was “ick”, and I just can’t shake it. Yes, it’s a print, but it’s an ugly, cheap-looking, faux-baroque print that I think my grandmothers both had embroidered and framed in their living rooms at some point. As much as I love the hair, it looks sloppy paired with the dress. The combination makes me want to break into “Edelweiss” from The Sound of Music. That’s never a good sign. Out.

Look, Lena Dunham, I’ve watched enough Say Yes to the Dress: Bridesmaids to know that sometimes you have to buy these big, fancy numbers that are insanely unflattering and you wouldn’t want to be caught dead in, but you do it because you love the person getting married and want to be in their wedding. And that’s fine, but did you have to wear one of those dresses, butterfly boobs, hip panels, and all on the read carpet? Waste not, want not is a virtue, but this dress is a waste. I mean, there’s always the chance you actually liked the dress and thought it was flattering on you, but I think my explanation is less of a stretch.

My mother always raised me to believe that if I didn’t have anything nice to say, to not say anything at all. Of course, this was in the Stone Age before blogging, but I still like to try to follow that advice. So instead of commenting on the worst-tailored dress of all time or the monstrosity that is whatever that hairstyle is Jessica Chastain is sporting, I’m just going to say this: that color is lovely on you, Jess. It really is.

Halle Berry, JLo circa 2002 called. First of all, she’s concerned you’ve been wearing the same dress for roughly ten years. Second of all, even she doesn’t want this particular dress back.

Is Olivia “Sleeping with the Enemy”?

Come on now, if Grant weren’t hot and the president of the United States, would you see any of his recent actions as romantic? No. I thought not. He sends his bodyguards to kidnap Olivia WHILE she’s in the middle of a client crisis. He attempts to have sex with her in the middle of the woods WHILE THEY WATCH. (Even if they hadn’t turned their backs, Grant would’ve kept on going.) Grant destroys her ex-fiancee’s career for TALKING to her WHILE keeping tabs on her past relationships. THEN, he tricks her into dinner by renting out a restaurant with FAKE diners! That is NOT romantic! That is STALKING!

According to HealthyPlace.com, a stalker “want(s) what they want and they do not care if the victim does not want the same.” The stalker makes “obsessive calls” and “acts like a child. He’d rather have your love, but he’ll take your anger if there’s no alternative.” Sound familiar? Grant calls Olivia up, like a pizza, because he “wants” her. But, he forgets about her needs or her “white hat” job. And, even when he knows their confrontation will only end in anger, he STILL keeps kidnapping and calling her. Half the time I didn’t understand why Grant continued to call or push so strongly, considering they essentially yelled at each other EVERY SINGLE time. Only serial killers keep repeating the same pattern while expecting a different result. Am I calling Grant a serial killer? No. Am I calling him a serial stalker? Yes.

Is Grant a Wuss?

Cyrus keeps calling Grant a “great man,” but so far I haven’t seen it this season. If he’s a great Conservative/moderate president, let’s see him exhort more of his ideas without his minders. I’ve watched Olivia go after her targets with laser sight determination. In comparison, Grant waffles on his decisions, relying on Olivia or Millie’s quick-wits to get him out of (or into) trouble. “Beltway Unbuckled” exemplifies that if Olivia and Millie weren’t women, they’d probably run the country overtly … as opposed to covertly. I can see how Grant fell in love with both women, but I can’t see how Olivia fell in love with him. In fact, last season, Olivia only fell in love with Grant because he loved her first and consistently pursued her. Last season, we saw more of Grant’s political brilliance by his vice presedential handling. But, we haven’t seen his political one-upmanship with other adversaries this season. Instead, we’ve watched him mope on the couch like a love-sick teenager, while relying on Olivia’s ideas to bolster his confidence. I’m wondering about Cyrus’s presidential devotion, considering Millie and Olivia are the brains behind the throne. So, let’s see more of the man that Cyrus follows and the brilliant man that Olivia loved/loves. Do I want him to one-up Olivia? Of course not. But, I’d like to see more of his political savvy when it comes to non-Olivia-related global (and internal) affairs.

The Final Verdict

So, what’s the verdict? Is President Grant the wussiest man alive or the biggest stalker ever? Honestly, I think he’s a bit of both. Does he truly love Olivia or does he stalk her out of boredom/distraction? Olivia barely saw hide or hair of Grant when he schtupped his intern. But, since Grant realized that having relationships with TWO White House staffers isn’t the best, it looks like he returned to the old stand by. This season, Olivia definitely received more booty calls from Grant than last season. Part of me wishes he’d reconcile with Millie, but I understand why he can’t. Despite her love for him and her intelligence, Millie’s the worst type of politician. She cares for power and will do anything to grab it, without having a compass to guide her. Did she want to go to war because she thought it was right or because the public wanted it? Did she throw her oar in with the family of the murdered college student out of kindness or for publicity? Clearly, the latter both times. Millie would become the type of president who might always appear decisive, but only makes a decision if it appears right to others, but not if she thinks it’s right. A brilliant politician that cares more for appearance than her country’s betterment is slightly scary. I suppose Millie’s lack of moral compass drives Grant away, while Olivia’s “white hat” fervor consistently draws him. But, I can see why he married Millie – if a beautiful, smart, politically ambitious woman falls in your path, you snap her up, even if her ideologies don’t fully align with yours. Because, honestly, what are the odds you’d find an obnoxiously attractive, hideously smart, politically ambitious person who’s ALSO incredibly, scarily moral? If Olivia Pope didn’t exist, I’d say pretty low.

All the same, Grant’s continued interest in Olivia is stalker-ish. Will her really give her up? And, what happens after that? Let’s say Olivia gave in. Let’s say Millie disappears, freeing up Grant to pursue Olivia. Wouldn’t he expect Olivia to abandon her job? Wouldn’t she start pushing for him to accomplish her agendas from the wings? Wouldn’t she get fed up with her seat at the “kiddie’s table”? YES! So, why is Grant so intent on recreating what already happened with his wife with Olivia? Don’t serial killers just keep repeating the same patterns with the expectation a different result will happen? Once again, I’m not calling Grant a serial killer, but his borderline obsessive behavior MONTHS/YEARS after the affair should’ve ended marks him as a stalker. Has Olivia ever contacted him and indicated her need to see him for anything other than political necessity? Part of me wants to call a politician who puts his groins/romantic notions before his career unrealistic; but, considering Clinton, Weiner, Thomas, Sanford, Gingrich, and Edwards, I have to state otherwise.

Don’t get me wrong. I love Grant, his relationship with Olivia and the TV show, Scandal. Scandal is so totally killing it this season with awesome plots. But, Cyrus is right. Grant is a ticking time bomb. Grant’s obsession with and attempts to contact Olivia have become EVEN more blatant. His recent actions this season, especially in “Hunting Season,” have seriously concerned me. So, is he the wussiest president or the biggest stalker ever? Or, is he a bit of both? If that’s the case, what does that mean for his administration, Olivia and Scandal’s second season? Sound off!

 [easyazon-image align=”none” asin=”B007MDB6Y2″ locale=”us” height=”160″ src=”https://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/61GSbBTG0lL._SL160_.jpg” width=”116″][easyazon-image align=”none” asin=”B00009WVSL” locale=”us” height=”160″ src=”https://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41HWDGR6PJL._SL160_.jpg” width=”112″]