If you saw The Top 8 perform on American Idol this week, you witnessed something interesting. You saw walking, talking, “performing” mug shots of The Criminals Of Detroit, The Murders Of Motown and the newest portraits to grace the walls as America’s Most Wanted for perpetrating competition hopefuls.

What you witnessed were massive steps backward in the competition. It was an “unlearning” of what the guys have gained up to this point … which by the evidence below wasn’t much. I’m surprised the travesty they committed on stage Wednesday night wasn’t nixed after a few rehearsals. Devo would tout it as a chapter right out of “devolution.”

What happened on the stage with the three remaining guys was horrific, sad and cringe-worthy as they stumbled over each other on their way to completely mangling The Four Tops “I Can’t Help Myself.” It was done with such amateur slovenliness it just might cure Idol of repeating its token Motown Week come next season — if there is a next season.

Ready to set your teeth on edge? Good. Here you go:

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZdcdtD9vKI

Nicki Minaj had plenty to say to the fellows post-performance and, for once, I applauded her for mouthing off how poorly they sang: “It’s a beautiful day in Hollywood, because that’s what it felt like. I felt like I was back in Hollywood Week. I don’t know what that was … thank God that all three of you already had your solo performances. Lazaro, you fell as flat as a pancake. Don’t ever do that again. All three of y’all Go! Get off the stage!” Yep. Blistering and raw. And well deserved.

Of course the main attraction, the individual performances, weren’t quite as bad. But none of them were particularly noteworthy, either. That’s right: None. Of. Them. I’m not going to catalog each and every bit of lackidaisicality and tongue-tiedness complete with sloppy arrangements because that’s all we saw from the lot. But there were two exceptions.

Janelle Arthur’s rendition of “You Just Keep Me Hangin’ On” got us out of the dank and darkness that had set the tone by Candice and Lazaro’s sets before her. And Kree Harrison — coming in on the coveted last slot of the evening — turned in a muted performance of Ben E. King’s “Don’t Play That Song (You Lied)” made famous by The Queen Of Soul herself, Aretha Franklin. If not for these two, the night would have been a complete loss. Even Angie Miller was uneven, stumbling and off key throughout her version of “Shop Around.”

And simply to exemplify the drudgery that was Motown Week, I’ll leave you with Burnell Taylor’s hacking and chopping of Stevie Wonder’s “My Cherie Amour.” I don’t know what the judges saw in this performance. Quite frankly, I’m going to have a difficult time getting this version out of my head in the coming weeks. *brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr*:

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=PMn2FM3gmr4

P.S. That photo above? You’ll see the same sour pusses in The Bottom 3 come elimination. All of them are worthy of the group. Who goes home is anyone’s guess. Could it please be Lazaro this time around?

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