Let’s get this out of the way right from the start: I am the best/worst person to review Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I have absolutely zero deep-seated childhood connection, adoration or knowledge of the “Heroes on the Half Shell,” so my review of the movie will simply be about the movie and not how it bastardizes the memories from my childhood.

Now, with that out of the way let’s have a look at Michael Bay’s production of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. In the movie, a gang known as the Foot Clan is terrorizing New York City. TV news reporter April O’Neil (Megan Fox), better known for her fluff pieces, is trying to break into real journalism by exposing the Foot Clan. During one major heist, she sees some kind of vigilante but no one believes her.

After another attack, she sees there are four vigilantes and … they’re turtles! Six foot tall, sword-wielding turtles. That can talk too. And it turns out, she knows who they are and where they came from. It’s then up to April to protect their identities while they attempt to stop the Foot Clan, but someone else who knows of the experiments that created the ninja turtles is working with the evil Shredder to poison the city and then provide an antidote for big bucks. Cue ninja turtle action.

I was concerned that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was going to be impossibly corny, what with all of the snappy one-liners, but they were only mildly annoying. I guess that’s part of the classic characters’ schtick. What did surprise me was the level of intensity and violence in the first half of the movie (which gave way to more silliness and over-the-top action as the film progressed). There is quite a lot of gun-play with the Foot Clan, and they even take and threaten to kill hostages in a subway station. It is a bit intense for a younger crowd.

The turtles themselves are very realistically rendered motion capture CGI characters that hold up convincingly well even in the extreme close-ups. Their sensei Splinter, a genetically enhanced rat, is a little more cartoony but the voice work of Tony Shalhoub brings some humanity to him, especially when things start looking extremely bad for our heroes. The film’s villain, Shredder, is getting the brunt of the criticism from hardcore Turtles fan who say he looks more like a Transformer. I didn’t see that at all, but the fact that he can shoot blades from his gauntlets and magnetically retrieve them have sent devotees into a tizzy. To me, he looks like the ninja from Brazil, just a bit shinier.

The film’s human cast do what they can to compete with the film’s CGI stars. The return of Megan Fox to the Michael Bay fold may be surprising, but the fact that her acting is beyond flat really isn’t. Yeah, she’s gorgeous but I just don’t get her acting appeal. I actually thought she was better in the Transformers movies. Will Arnett does bring some snarky humor to the role of cameraman Vernon Fenwick, and William Fichtner plays the bad guy as only he can. Unfortunately, you kind of know right from the beginning that he’s got something up his sleeve, so his transformation from friend to foe isn’t all that surprising.

Director Jonathan Liebesman (Wrath of the Titans, Battle Los Angeles) keeps the film rolling at a frantic pace, making each action segment bigger than the next — a segment involving several vehicles, people and turtles careening down a snow-covered mountainside is an over-the-top highlight — and really employs the 3D format to its best advantage. The script does a good job of introducing the characters to the uninitiated, but apparently plays fast and loose with what has come before. It is what it is.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was never going to be a movie that made anyone happy for several reasons (mainly because it has Michael Bay’s name on it) but I’m going to go out on a limb here and admit that I had a good time watching it, even as I rolled my eyes at some of the more outrageous action and almost cartoony at times CGI. I was entertained because I had no preconceived notions of what the characters were supposed to be. Your enjoyment will mostly depend on how protective you are about these characters and your tolerance for Michael Bay-style action, but if you’re going in blind you just may find yourself saying “cowabunga” and having a good time.

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All passes have been claimed. Comments are closed. Follow CliqueClack on Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and Tumblr for contest alerts, reviews and breaking news.

CliqueClack has partnered with Paramount Pictures to offer readers in the Cleveland, Columbus and Cincinnati areas an opportunity to attend an advance screening of the new action movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles starring Megan Fox, Will Arnett, Johnny Knoxville, Alan Ritchson, Noel Fisher, Jeremy Howard, Abby Elliott, Whoopi Goldberg, Tony Shalhoub and William Fichtner.

The city needs heroes. Darkness has settled over New York City as Shredder and his evil Foot Clan have an iron grip on everything from the police to the politicians. The future is grim until four unlikely outcast brothers rise from the sewers and discover their destiny as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The Turtles must work with fearless reporter April O’Neil (Fox) and her wise-cracking cameraman Vern Fenwick (Arnett) to save the city and unravel Shredder’s diabolical plan.

The screenings will take place Wednesday, August 6, 7:30 PM at the following locations:

• Regal Richmond Town Square, Cleveland ALL CLEVELAND PASSES HAVE BEEN CLAIMED
• AMC Lennox Town Center, Columbus
• Springdale 18: Cinema de Lux, Cincinnati ALL CINCINNATI PASSES HAVE BEEN CLAIMED

A limited number of passes will be available on a first come, first served basis. Please read and follow the rules in order to be eligible for this contest. There will be no exceptions!

• Comment on this post only with CLEVELAND, COLUMBUS or CINCINNATI. Nothing else. Any additional commentary will result in your entry being invalid.
• You MUST include your FULL NAME — First AND Last — for verification purposes. Entries with only a first name or initials will be invalid.
• ONE comment per person and/or email address. Multiple comments will not increase your chances of winning and will result in disqualification. CliqueClack reserves the right to discard any and all duplicates or entries that appear to be duplicates. We want to keep these offers fair for everyone.
• This is not a random drawing. Please keep this fair for everyone. Only one person per couple need comment.
• Winners will receive a unique GoFoBo.com code which is good for up to two Admit One passes.

Please note that passes do not guarantee seats at the screening. Seating is first come, first served so plan to arrive early. CliqueClack has no control over the total number of passes distributed, and is not responsible for seating arrangements at the theater. This offer will end when all passes have been distributed or on the day of the screening.

Have a look at the trailer below and then tell us where you want to see the film. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles opens in theaters August 8.

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwXFsrp6WBs

This contest is now closed. Winners will be notified by email. Follow CliqueClack on Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and Tumblr for contest alerts, reviews and breaking news.

CliqueClack has partnered with Paramount Pictures to offer readers in the Baltimore and DC areas an opportunity to attend an advance screening of the new action movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles starring Megan Fox, Will Arnett, Johnny Knoxville, Alan Ritchson, Noel Fisher, Jeremy Howard, Abby Elliott, Whoopi Goldberg, Tony Shalhoub and William Fichtner.

The city needs heroes. Darkness has settled over New York City as Shredder and his evil Foot Clan have an iron grip on everything from the police to the politicians. The future is grim until four unlikely outcast brothers rise from the sewers and discover their destiny as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The Turtles must work with fearless reporter April O’Neil (Fox) and her wise-cracking cameraman Vern Fenwick (Arnett) to save the city and unravel Shredder’s diabolical plan.

The screenings will take place Wednesday, August 6, 7:30 PM at the following locations:

• Regal Majestic, Silver Spring, MD
• Cinemark Egyptian, Hanover, MD

A limited number of passes will be available through a random drawing. Please read and follow the rules in order to be eligible for this contest. There will be no exceptions!

• Comment on this post with either SILVER SPRING or HANOVER. Nothing else. Any additional commentary will result in your entry being invalid.
• You MUST include your FULL NAME — First AND Last — for verification purposes. Entries with only a first name or initials will be invalid.
• ONE comment per person and/or email address. Multiple comments will not increase your chances of winning and will result in disqualification. CliqueClack reserves the right to discard any and all duplicates or entries that appear to be duplicates. We want to keep these offers fair for everyone.
• Contest period runs from Monday, July 28 to 11:59 PM Friday, August 1. Winners will be selected Saturday, August 2nd and will be notified no later than Sunday, August 3.
• Winners will receive a unique GoFoBo.com code which is good for up to two Admit One passes.

Please note that passes do not guarantee seats at the screening. Seating is first come, first served so plan to arrive early. CliqueClack has no control over the total number of passes distributed, and is not responsible for seating arrangements at the theater.

Have a look at the trailer below and then tell us where you want to see the film. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles opens in theaters August 8.

//www.youtube.com/watch?v=dwXFsrp6WBs

When this box set arrived at the quiet offices at CliqueClack HQ, sleepy heads rose from keyboards, cobwebs were brushed aside from brows, and mayhem broke loose. You’d have thought The Walking Dead became real, as the Clackers amassed and clawed at the surrounding packaging in hopes of being the one to keep this set for themselves. Lucky for you readers, I was five javas ahead of everyone else and got away with the prize … and my life. All for you!

Yes, we’re giving away this incredible collectible set of DVDs, containing all ten seasons of the classic Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon and more. What’s more, take a look at the packaging! Pretty freakin’ sweet, right?

All you need to do is leave a comment to this post saying something cool about the series or why you want the set — more than just “I want it.” To have a better chance at it, you can also (or only) tweet the following on Twitter:

We’ll pick one commenter amongst the comments to this post and from the eligible Twitter tweets, completely at random, and alert them after the giveaway ends on Wednesday, November 21st at Midnight ET (make sure your spam filters aren’t blocking mail from @cliqueclack.com!). Only one entry per person per method and you must have a valid U.S.-based mailing address. This giveaway is open to U.S. residents of 18 years of age or older only. Not following these guidelines voids your entry. Good luck!

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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and I go way back. We’re the same age, born in the “Orwellian” year of 1984 — I, to a pair of musicians in Chicago; the Turtles, to a pair of aspiring comic book artists in Northampton, Massachusetts. I cannot pretend to have grown up with Eastman and Laird’s Mirage Turtles. They were a little too mature for my age group. The Mirage Turtles drank beer, said “Damn!” instead of some variation of “Shell!” and they eviscerated their foes instead of clocking them with trashcans. They were badass. Dark. Gritty. Monochromatic.

Like most ’80s babies, I met Leonardo, Raphael, Donatello, and Michelangelo through the Fred Wolf-produced Saturday-morning cartoon that ran for ten seasons between 1987 and 1996.

The 1987 Turtles helped define cool for my generation. They introduced surfer slang into the average American kid’s lexicon and exalted pizza to the status of Most Excellent Food in Existence (not that it wasn’t already deserving of this title).

We adopted Mikey’s breezy surfer attitude and Raph’s smart-alec wit. High on Turtle Power, we destroyed countless gift-wrap cardboard tubes, attempting to approximate Don and Leo’s moves with the bo and katana. We embraced all things TMNT, begging our parents to buy us baby red-eared sliders and send us to karate lessons (karate, only because “ninja school” wasn’t a real thing). Just think, today you can teach yourself ninjutsu via YouTube clips. Now, that’s not actually true, but you can learn how to throw a wicked shuriken and you can witness the deadly skills of a fat guy with a katana. Woosh. Tremble in fear, all you liters of Mountain Dew.

How cool were the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles “back in day?” I don’t know exactly. I was exposed to the ooze too early to be objective about it. But I can imagine all the poor parents watching their kids dance to Vanilla Ice’s “Ninja Rap.” They must have thought we were certifiable. That reminds me of my brother, who used to do the lop-sided Turtle grin during family photos; my mom actually consulted her sister (who works with handicapped children) to find out if there was something wrong with him. “Why does he keep making that face?!” We explained it to her a couple decades later, and she was like, “… Oh.”

Ever heard the saying, “When I became a (wo)man, I put away childish things?” So not true of me. But I have grown up enough to appreciate genuine improvements upon my favorite childish things. Take the 2003 TMNT series for instance. For a while I used to feel guilty about liking the 2003 series more than the 1987 cartoon, but now I accept that it’s a natural progression, not a betrayal. As we Turtle fans grew up, we needed a more sophisticated version of our heroes in a half shell, and the 4Kids series gave us that, paying suitable homage to the Fred Wolf cartoon while creating a darker world and more nuanced characters to inhabit it.

Many of the story lines were lifted straight from the Mirage comics; for example, the fantastic Season 1 two-parter, “The Shredder Strikes Back” — in which Leo is pursued by hordes of Foot Ninja across the rooftops of New York and gets the shell kicked out of him — is based on the thrilling micro series Leonardo issue #1. The 2003 series certainly took some strange turns, such as — SPOILER ALERT — the Shredder turning out to be an Utrom. If you don’t know what an Utrom is, think Krang, but more sinister and less belchy. I imagine fans of the Mirage comics were able to forgive that particular twist, given this series (specifically seasons 1-4) came as close as a kids’ cartoon could to depicting Eastman and Laird’s original work. Stellar action sequences, tightly woven storytelling and continuity, frequent humor, lots of familial interaction between the Turtles and Splinter, awesome versions of April and Casey, even the occasional “Cowabunga!” — this series had it going on. Season 5 took a bizarre turn toward the mystical, but it was cool in its own way. Season 6 (“Fast Forward”) brought the Turtles to the future; it has some good episodes, but I hated it for a while. Season 7 (“Back to the Sewer”) is the weakest season, in terms of the animation, character design, and story, but again there were a couple gems.

For fans who feel guilty about “cheating on” the original Turtles with their 2003 counterparts, I suggest watching Turtles Forever, the animated movie that wraps up the 4Kids series by uniting both versions of the Turtles (2003 and 1987), as well as their respective villains, in one crazy fun adventure. Around the latter part of the movie, there is an amazing surprise that just may make your day. Possibly, your life. I’m telling you. Best. TMNT. Movie. Ever. Watch the uncut version. You know where to go (see: YouTube).

2012 really is a good year to be a TMNT fan. Our beloved ninja bros are returning to the small screen on September 29, and Playmates recently released some flippin’ awesome action figures to rev up the fanboys and fangirls. The Turtle Classics, which are currently sitting on my bookcase, feature a zillion points of articulation and beautiful weapons — they’re collectors’ items, ideal for endless playing … er, posing. The new Nickelodeon toys are also super posable (and they are also on my bookcase). Each Nickelodeon figure is unique in terms of musculature, color, size, and details like the nicks and battle damage on the Turtles’ plastrons (Raph’s got a big chunk ripped out of his — no surprise there, what a hothead!). My old-school Michaelangelo action figure, with his brown plastic accessories, looks positively primitive next to these bad boys.

As if new toys and a new TV series were not enough to keep us happy, the 1987 series is being released in November as a complete set, packaged in a Party Wagon. Think about that for a moment. Your own Party Wagon.

I don’t know about you dudes, but my Christmas wish list just got totally radical.

Man, I love bein’ a Turtle (fan).

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