Halloween treats for some deserving characters

by Bob Degon

FOX

As Halloween quickly approaches I’ve been thinking about trick-or-treating … and how much I hate it. Sorry, but I am a total scrooge when it comes to Halloween. Parents spend 364 days of the year telling their children not to take candy from strangers, then come October 31st, it all flies out the window! I just don’t get it.

In any case, I was thinking about what characters on TV really deserve a treat. These are the hardworking, well loved characters we know so well who just can’t catch a break. Seems like those dastardly TV writers just love to toy with our favorite fictional friends. They’re always writing in death, relationship problems, sicknesses. What the heck, writers? Can’t some people just be happy? Well, I’m here to hand out some special Halloween treats to those who could really use one.

To Sarah Connor (Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles) I give a vacation: Seriously, between kicking terminator ass and watching over her teenage son who seems to conveniently forget that there are numerous killing machines that want him dead, this poor mother has a lot to be worrying about. No wonder she ended up in a nut house! She needs a treat and I’d like to give her a week off. Maybe a nice vacation in Tahiti.
To Betty Draper (Mad Men) I give a loving husband: Poor Betty, so lost in her own life. She’s got a husband who says all the right things and does all the wrong things. This season she finally saw through his lies and kicked his sorry ass to the curb. Sweet, fragile Betty deserves a better man in her life (and I’m not talking about that douche at the equestrian club, either).
To Kiki George (Dirty Sexy Money) I give a set of parents who know she exists: Ok, I secretly love that Dirty Sexy Money has completely ignored the fact the Nick and Lisa have a daughter. I was talking to my sister the other day and she forgot that Kiki even existed. With Nick always at the beck and call of the Darlings and Lisa busy at her art gallery (when she’s not making out with Jeremy Darling), this poor kid doesn’t stand a chance.
To Michael Westen (Burn Notice) I give yogurt: Because, seriously, that dude loves yogurt.
To Olivia Dunham (Fringe) I give anything that will make her smile: I don’t know how much more I can take of Captain Serious and her mopey-ness. Whatever bug crawled up her ass, I would like to do whatever I can to help her get rid of it, and perhaps improve the dreariness of Fringe as an added bonus.
To Elle Bishop (Heroes) I give a good plot line: This season I would like to give a good plot line to every character, but that’s beside the point. Kristen Bell is awesome and deserves so much better than what Heroes has given her. Last season she was misused, stuck behind the walls of the company, and this year she has barely been featured. Do this character some justice!
To Andy Bernard (The Office) I give a clue: Poor Andy. Yes, he’s obnoxious, but he means well and he really does love Angela. His fiancee isn’t so hot on him, though, as she’s sleeping with Dwight behind his back … and not really hiding it very well. Andy needs a clue.