Real-life headlines grow scarier every day, but that’s nothing compared to what happens inside the tube. Halloween is right around the corner, and, well, you just never know. I thought I’d get a jump on things and put together a few TV news stories that are bound to happen sooner or later. Feel free to leave your own in the comments.
Princeton-Plainsboro Physician Found Dead in Home. Police were called to the residence of Dr. Gregory House last night after a neighbor reported flames shooting from his home. An angry mob of the doctor’s former patients, currently in group therapy for emotional damage, apparently stormed the home with torches to protest his tough-healing tactics. The crowd quickly spiraled out of control and hurled the torches at the home, burning it to the ground. Found among the ashes was a fireproof safe filled with Vicodin and OxyContin. An investigation is ongoing.
Housewife Dies Tragically in Kitchen. Bree Van De Camp Hodge was found dead in her Wisteria Lane home early this morning, still gripping a mixing spoon in her lily white hands. Hodge apparently died while trying to make the perfect chocolate torte — an obsession neighbors called her “lifelong quest.” “I never thought it would come to this,” wept close friend and neighbor Lynette Scavo. The cause of death is believed to be spontaneous combustion.
Scranton Office Worker Admitted to Psych Ward. Dwight Schrute, a longtime employee of the Dunder-Mifflin paper company, was admitted to the psychiatric ward of a local hospital last week. Schrute was picked up by police at a Chili’s restaurant, gripping a stapler with remnants of green Jello, listening to R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts” on his iPod, and mumbling the words, “Bears…Beets…Battlestar Galactica.” He’s currently under heavy sedation. No visitors are allowed, although a couple was spotted near his room whispering and giggling.
Miami Cop Discovered Dead After 12 Years. Det. Horatio Caine was discovered to be deceased at his desk early this morning. The detective had apparently been dead for some 12 years; however, coworkers said they never realized it until they checked his pulse and removed his sunglasses. “I dunno, he always had the pasty white skin and, yeah, he always looked half-dead, so I didn’t think anything of it,” said one crime scene investigator who worked with Caine for the past six years. An investigation is ongoing with the cold case department.
Assistant to Hollywood Agent Reported Missing. An assistant known only as Lloyd failed to report to work Tuesday and hasn’t been seen since. As assistant to Ari Gold, one of Hollywood’s most ruthless talent agents, friends wonder if the job just grew too overwhelming. “He went ballistic when Ari called and told him to get his Kung Pao ass over to his house pronto,” said an anonymous source. “I think it was the last straw.” Lloyd and a male companion were allegedly spotted last night at a Key West resort sipping Mai Tais and humming “Wind Beneath My Wings.”
Clacked by Jane Boursaw 
on Oct 30, 2008 @ 10:02 EST5EDT
Needs work.