Rudolph rambles

This Wednesday, CBS will air the first of many airings of the holiday classic, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. It is, of course, a wonderful TV tradition, but now having seen it roughly a gazillion times, I have some observations/questions about the plot.

• First off, why are all the denizens of the North Pole such jerks? In a place populated by pointy-eared people and talking animals, why is a shiny red nose such a handicap? My uncle had a shiny red nose (due mainly to his heavy consumption of liquor), and we didn’t make such a big deal of it. Santa, in particular, seems really judgmental.

• It is obvious to even the casual viewer that Santa has a serious eating disorder. Mrs. Claus, bless her, seems to be doing everything she can to no avail. Fortunately, Santa also seems to have the magical ability to gain about a hundred pounds in two minutes. So, by the end of the story, he is back to normal.

• Hermie the Elf wants to be a dentist. Until I saw this special, I was unaware you could home-school yourself in the science of dentistry by just reading one book on the subject, but apparently you can. At the end of the special, when he finally achieves his dream, he makes his boss his first appointment. I don’t know about you, but I would be a little leery of going to a dentist whose only previous tonsorial experience was ripping the teeth out of a giant monster.

• Speaking of that, the Abominable Snowman is a pretty forgiving chap. If some little creature pulled out all of my teeth, I would be more inclined to rip him to pieces than stand around trimming his tree.

• The whole Island of Misfit Toys is really messed up, and a column about it would fill up volumes, but a few points: What is the girl doll’s malfunction? She seems fine to me. As a matter of fact, all of the toys would have been appreciated by me as a child. Who wouldn’t want a squirt gun that shoots jelly?

• Another jerk in the film is the King of the island: the flying lion. First he throws Rudolph, Yukon Cornelius and Hermie off the island because “living things can’t escape their problems” there (a rule that apparently doesn’t apply to him), then he asks them to tell Santa about the Misfit Toys! Sure, buddy, I always do favors for people who throw me out ….

• Note to Rudolph: If you were so worried about the safety of your friends, close the door of the cottage when you leave so they are not subjected to subzero arctic temperatures overnight.

• Apparently elves are not well-versed in aerodynamics, as is evidenced by an elf cheerfully throwing toys off Santa’s sleigh from a thousand feet up, with an umbrella to guide them down. I can’t shake the image of lawns around the world on Christmas Day littered with smashed toys and crumpled umbrellas.

If there is someone out there who has lived in a cave their entire life and has never seen this show, I hope I didn’t spoil it for you. There are probably more plot problems I may have missed, but I’m sure some of you out there will point them out to me.

Happy TV Holidays, everyone!

Clacked by Bill White
on Nov 30, 2008 @ 11:00 EST5EDT