Reversing Damages: One survivor’s story

I did it! I’ve finally broken the spell. After a season of self-loathing and a hiatus spent first forgetting and then looking forward to its’ return, I have freed myself from the hold that Damages had on me. Whew! It feels good to get that monkey off my back.

Though I suppose I should really be starting with an apology. To my wife, for promising for thirteen episodes that it would get good and we’d enjoy it, and short of that that there wouldn’t be a second season, I’m sorry. She left me on my own for season two, and in hindsight, I see that she wasn’t being crazy.

I realize I’m a bit late to the party here. Everyone’s settling in to the new season, looking forward to episode three. I only had the opportunity to sit down and watch the nine-minute season one recap this week, because I had to keep it from the wife. I was left more confused than I had been following the summary, but I figured that nine-minutes just couldn’t do it justice. So Thursday, while my wife was out and the baby napped, I settled in to catch up with Patty, Ellen, Tom, Frobisher and the ghost of Ray Fiske (Zeljko Ivanek strikes again!)

I’d forgotten the way the show shoots a flash-forward (or is it present-day?) scene, the colors grainier and harsher. I’d also forgotten how much I hated Patty, how Glenn Close, playing this character, should not be mentioned in a power triumvirate with Kyra Sedgwick (whose show I choose not to watch but don’t dislike) and Holly Hunter (whose show I choose not to watch and greatly dislike), and how ridiculously nonsensical the threads of the story are.

I started to try and remember why I had stuck with the show in the first place. I’m thinking it was Ted Danson, playing a role so unlike the Danson we’re familiar with. Something about his Frobisher, as sick as he was, struck a chord with me. Plus, I’m pretty sure that Philip Bosco is Vice President Cheney’s stage name, so that’s kinda cool. But otherwise? Legal shows should be about cases (see Boston Legal, Kevin Hill, Justice, Convicted. Seriously, SEE them.) Whodunits about, well, who done it, and action/adventure about people running around. Damages is all three, and it’s none of the above.

The law is about the last thing we hear or see on the show. Why? Are you telling me there’s nothing interesting about watching cases being battled out in court? If that were true, a lot of daytime TV judges would be looking for work. An intriguing mystery is enveloped in the sense that you can’t survive without knowing when, where, how or who. Lost is a great example; while watching Sci-Fi’s countdown to the season premiere, I turned to my wife and said, “So people really spend their time pausing and un-pausing this show in order to find all the hidden secrets?” To which she replied, “You’re so wonderful! And yes, they watch each episode 1,000 times. You’re wonderful!”

Granted no one is as sadistic as J.J. Abrams, Jeffrey Lieber and Damon Lindelof; those guys have some serious anger to work out, and we all, myself included, eat it up. But how about creating a little intrigue? How about making me care who killed David on Damages, or who attacked Ellen, or how Patty’s son discovered how to be Benjamin Button between last season and this? Okay, I’m interested in the latter question, but that’s about it. I never really wanted the answers on the show. I think I just wanted to know how much money we were saying Frobisher had, because in my mind I kept going back to the Seinfeld episode called “The Ticket,” where George and Jerry get an offer from NBC for their pilot. The offer, at $13,000, abuses George’s sense of fairness.

George: “That’s insulting! Ted Danson makes eight hundred thousand dollars an episode.”

Jerry: “Oh, would you stop with the Ted Danson?”

George: “Well, he does.”

Jerry: “You’re nuts!”

George: “I’m sorry. I can’t live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he?”

Jerry: “He’s somebody.”

George: “What about me?”

Jerry: “You’re nobody.”

George: “Why him? Why not me?”

Jerry: “He’s good, you’re not.”

George: “I’m better than him.”

Jerry: “You’re worse, much much worse.”

(Anyone imagine me being able to quote Seinfeld in a Damages piece?) My point is that George’s fascination with Ted Danson was how I felt about Danson’s character on Damages. Now? Frobisher’s a broken man who won’t surprise us a bit when he recuperates, flies down to an island and retires to his hidden fortune. With his case over, though I’m sure he’ll play a large role this season, I’m done caring.

Which leaves what, exactly? Right, action/adventure. So, the action on the show involves a lot of rust-colored blood, and people following people who are already being followed by someone else. It just never hooked me in.

So long story long, I watched the premiere. And I felt empty inside. But, of course, the addiction had me, and I clicked on episode two. Yet oddly, by the theme song (what in God’s name is that about?) I felt enlightened. A weight had been lifted from me and I could almost fly. I didn’t have to watch this. Sure, I’d take some ribbing from my wife about forcing her to sit through it last year, blah blah blah (maybe wife #2 isn’t such a bad idea). But I had the power to unburden myself. So I hit stop and the little red delete button. And I entered my season pass list and did the same. Suddenly, the sky looked brighter and the birds sounded clearer (well, the smog looked less thick and the cars sounded farther away. Same thing.)

My wife came home and laughed at me. “I thought you were so excited for it to come back. It’s your favorite show!” But it didn’t matter; I was free. Besides, I left a mail-order-bride website open. That’ll show her.

As the Soup Nazi would say, “Next!”

Clacked by Aryeh S.
on Jan 16, 2009 @ 16:30 EST5EDT