I used to love the Academy Awards. No, I really did. I went to film school many moons ago and had aspirations of one day standing on that glorious stage and raising a naked golden man above my head. Alas, it was not to be. Instead, I get to sit back and poke fun at self-indulgent rich people. I’m sure some of you will think my impending list comes from a place of bitterness or jealousy. I suppose you could spin it that way. But realize this. I love movies and always will. I just hate the Oscars.
As always, last night’s proceedings weren’t a total wash. The beautiful and talented Kate Winslet finally won a deserved Best Actress award for her performance in The Reader. Director Danny Boyle‘s wonderful Slumdog Millionaire took home eight statues. And the late great Heath Ledger received a Best Supporting Actor Oscar for his role as The Joker in The Dark Knight. I give credit where credit is due. Now it’s time to trash Hollywood’s biggest night.
10 things I hate about the Oscars:
10) Song and dance numbers – I knew there was a reason why Hugh Jackman was pegged to host. Listen, if I wanted to watch a musical I’d pay my ten bits and join the mass of henpecked husbands dragged to Mamma Mia! by their overbearing wives.
9) Meryl Streep being nominated – This is not an indictment to Ms. Streep’s dramatic chops. Watch her in Sophie’s Choice or Adaptation. to witness what great acting is all about. I’m just tired of her name on the ballot. She’s good. We get it.
8) The tears – I don’t care if they are from joy or sadness. Let’s put a stop to the water works.
7) Cuba Gooding Jr. – Can the Academy please revoke his win for Jerry Maguire? I’m amazed this guy is still getting roles. At least he refrained from engaging in another crazed dance last night.
6) The look of fear – Scan the faces of the stars and you’ll see it. Fear. Fear of becoming a has-been. Fear of losing fortune and fame. Fear of being relegated to a punchline on one of David Letterman‘s Top 10 lists.
5) Awful presenter banter – Do actual writers pen the drivel exchanged between presenting couples? Shit, why can’t they just improv something? I mean they’re actors, right?
4) Documentary nominees being seated near the kitchen – I wonder if Brad Pitt was nominated for directing a documentary feature if he would be seated in the back row of the theater? How about removing these thankless filmmakers from the nosebleed section?
3) Tediously long acceptance speeches – Special Effects guys, I’m talkin’ to you.
2) Meryl Streep never winning – The only thing worse than her being nominated is her not winning. 15 times a bridesmaid; only twice a bride. Here’s a little hint for future telecasts: if she’s up for an Oscar, give it to her. No one is better than Meryl Streep.
1) The political grandstanding – You people play dress-up and regurgitate words written by those with real talent. I could give a fuck what you think about the issues. Even if what you’re saying makes sense, I don’t want to hear it.
Fin.
Clacked by Scott Tunstall 
on Feb 23, 2009 @ 11:00 EST5EDT
Very good Scott.
Your #1 is my #1. (I would have left out the f word though)
Sean Penn’s little visit with Hugo Chavez was quite disappointing to me.
1. Is probably the only reason Sean Penn won this year. Rourke was robbed. Glad I didnt watch.
I disagree with pretty much everything on here.
(10) I enjoy song and dance numbers. Hugh Jackman was the host this year so that the Academy could get away from the overwhelming snarkiness of recent years. As Allasandra Stanley wrote in today’s NYTs, Hugh put the “show” in “showbiz” and left out the “biz” on purpose.
(9) How petty.
(8) Oh excuse them for being human. They were being recognized by their peers for the most prestigious award in their industry — and for the actors, in an evocative way — and they’re supposed to sit stone faced or have smiles the whole time?
(7) Racist much? Cuba’s award receipt for Jerry Maguire was pure, unbridled joy. His presenter banter this year to Robert Downey Jr was a moment of humor in an otherwise serious mileu. What’s your problem, mate?
(6) I’m not sure what you mean here, so I neither agree or disagree
(5) Some of the presenter banter was good — Steve Martin and Tina Fey, Will Smith, Natalie Portman and Rabbi Ben Stiller. Some of it was bad — Jennifer Aniston and Jack Black. All of it is subjective. Award shows are award shows. Some of it’s funny, some of it’s entertaining, and some of the presenter banter is corny or kinda bad. So what?
(4) There are only so many seats near the front. If you can’t understand the reality of hollywood politics and $$$, then find another topic to blog about. And they’re not “thankless” — they have numerous categories still dedicated to them, and they’re “thanked” and recognized every year by the Academy. I think that’s quite standup of the Academy, since basically NO ONE watches these works of art.
(3) Again, how petty. The longest speech was maybe 2 minutes (I’m guessing) and most were short and to the point. I loved the fact that this year the producers got how rude it was to shoo people off the stage with music after 20 seconds. It was a very well done production this year, I thought, and a big part of it was letting the award recipients have their 1 to 2 minutes on the stage.
(2) skipping – you’re talking absolutes in a grey world.
(1) So now you hate blacks and gays? Because the only political speeches I recall hearing last night were about equal rights for gays.
David – Just stop calling people racists and petty. Why don’t you go find a sense of humor instead of making baseless claims. By the way, I said I hate the “act of political grandstanding” not what they were saying. You were so excited to write your comments, you neglected to READ what I actually wrote.
If you love the Oscars, great. I respect your opinion. And yet you can’t respect mine. You’d rather climb on your high-horse, hide behind your screen name, and make sweeping statements about my person and politics after a 400 word blog post. Stop trying to look so important and try to have some fun. That’s what we do here. Have fun. Get over yourself.
Scott, your post was full of vitriol and pointed comments which can reasonably be interpreted as I did. I don’t respect what you wrote one bit, and don’t think it fit in the spirit of CliqueClack one bit. (Neither did my reply, I admit, but it was evoked by your hate-filled rant and I take none of it back.)
“which can reasonably be interpreted as I did.”
You have never met me. We have never spoken. You know nothing about me. And yet you can make a reasonable interpretation? That’s irresponsible. You really need to lighten up.
I doubt my black girlfriend or her family, who I watched the Oscars with, would agree with your “pointed comments” toward me. In fact, we all had a good time laughing at Cuba’s bad acting, not his race. Now, don’t you look foolish.
I don’t want you to take back what you wrote. It’s called freedom of speech. Something I’m a big fan of. The more you write, the more you hang yourself. I suggest you think before blindly attacking someone’s character. Go watch a comedy. Have a laugh. You need it.
Wow… Ok, how can I say some of the same things that David said without continuing the war.
I like the song and dance. The opening number was great, especially Anne Hathaway. The “Musical” number could have been a lot better, I think… Stay with some of the themes and songs more. Also, for the record, you couldn’t pay me to go see Mamma Mia.
I don’t understand your first point about Streep. If her work is deserving of nomination, then I’ve got no problem with it. Now, some of the things she’s gotten nominated for I don’t agree with (I’m looking at you, Devil Wear’s Prada… Good, but not that good).
IIRC, Ricky Gervais supposedly wrote some of the comedy this time around. But some of it works for me, and some doesn’t. I personally didn’t like the Ben Stiller bit.
And I actually thought the speeches were pretty concise this time around. A little confession: Sometimes my favorite parts are the speeches that are different… Kate Winslet asking her dad to whistle so she could see him, the aforementioned Cuba Gooding Jr. just going a little crazy. The people that are enjoying the moments are the ones that are fun to watch.
I go back and forth about the politics. I mean, in both cases of political commentary in the speeches this year it was relevant to the material that they were awarded for, which isn’t always the case. Its also their time… They’ve won the right to stand up there and talk for 45 seconds (or longer, as it seems the final couple of awardees got). That being said, I generally tune celebrities politics out the minute they start talking (I was a government major in college, and don’t need these folks telling me what to think, whether or not I agree with them).
I did immensely enjoy the actor’s presentations this time around. I thought it was a completely different take, and despite its length, it really worked for me.
I will say this… This is the first time in, I guess five or six years, that I’ve actually made it all the way through the entire ceremony. So they must have done something that “cliqued” with me :)
Dorv – I have no problem with you or your opinions. At least you can express yourself intelligently, without making large assumptions.
I still can’t stand the Oscars ;o)
Come on!! The Asian director who won for the French Foreign language film and busted out, “”Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto.” You can’t get behind that?
I’m pretty sure the look described in #6 is more a certain dread that this has all been a dream––that they’ll wake up tomorrow morning only to discover they aren’t incredibly accomplished movie makers, despite their proud film school background, but are in fact mediocre writers for a crappy television blog.
I’d be scared, too.
You mean the same “crappy blog” you read and comment on?
If that makes you feel better about your failure, sure.
I’m with you on many points.
Hate song and dance. This ain’t the Tonys people!
Political grandstanding drives me nuts, especially such that they think their way of thinking is the only way of thinking. As if anyone who doesn’t think like they do is a complete idiot. That makes them the idiot.
I agree about Meryl Streep being nominated for every role she takes. I feel that same way about only a handful of movies dominating every damned category. If single performances can slip in from a movie like Tropic Thunder, then it proves they CAN find other movies with merits that aren’t just critical darlings to rave about and nominate. Let’s step up the damned DIVERSITY of award nominations, shall we?
I loved Cuba in Men of Honor. I enjoyed him in Jerry McGuire, too. Radio was a bit embarrassing, but I admit I cried. Poor dude hasn’t made the best decisions in recent years. I’ll give him that.
The tears – I liked the tears from the chick who was nominated for best supporting actress for Doubt. Can’t recall her name, but not Amy Adams. She was just so damned excited and joyful all around that I knew having an award winning actress speak directly about her really meant something. Kate Winslet – sorry chica, I didn’t believe you didn’t expect to win. You won every other award this season. Surprise!
I could care less if the small players are seated near the kitchen. I’d rather they cut them from the presentation all together. Its a show for the television viewer, not the insiders. We don’t know who the hell these people are, and frankly, we don’t care. Funny thing is, it takes them so long to get to the podium that most of their speech time is used on the trip up. Oops!
Oh – David? Ben Stiller wasn’t being a rabbi with Natalie Portman, he was echoing the recent antics of Joaquin Phoenix. Neither portrayal was remotely entertaining.
Yeah, Modwild, my officemate clued me in to what Ben Stiller was doing later this afternoon. I only knew vaguely about Joaquin Phoenix’s recent, um, antics (?), so I had no idea Ben wasn’t doing a Rabbi, but instead, was doing Phoenix. She explained that Phoenix might have gone on a talk show (?) recently and did the whole gum on the table thing.
Thanks :)