Most women who can’t hoola hoop with a Cheerio wouldn’t even attempt this

Holy Fred and Ginger. A two hour Dancing with the Stars! So much to say, about such little substance. But say it I shall. After all, someone has to. And secretly, you know you’re interested. I see you nodding. So let’s get the hatchet out and cut through this bad boy!

That’s Niecy Nash above. She’s a comedian by trade, best known for her work on The Insider. I find her comments on DWTS really refreshing. Most of the dancers, while trying in vain to answer inane questions backstage posed by co-host Brooke Burke, come up with nothing more original than “I had so much fun.” Niecy, as proven by my headline, always pulls something out of her sequined gown for me to chuckle at. That’s why I’ll miss her, cause she is gone-baby-gone on Tuesday’s elimination.

Look, I am not a dancing judge by any means, and I don’t even play one on TV. But I do have basic coordination, and can walk and chew gum at the same time. I know. It’s a trait I got from my Dad’s side of the family. So, I think that qualifies me to recognize bad dancing when I see it. That, and following my gut instincts. I think when you throw up a lil’ bit in your mouth during someone’s performance, you should pay attention to that feeling. I know! Feel free to adopt that idea into your daily life.

This week, the remaining five on DTWS or “the Dancing,” as I like to refer to it, had to perform two numbers. The first, a ballroom dance. The second, a Latin ditty from an assigned decade or era.

At this point in the competition, the judges are looking for the celebs to bring it. Some just can’t. Let’s spin on our heads, and break it down!

Niecy and Loius: In the background footage, we see that Niecy wakes up at Dark Thirty to do The Insider. Why, considering the show airs at night, is it taped in the morning? Good question! Suffice it to say, Niecy’s dogs are already barking by the time she gets to rehearsal with Louis. I love the not-chemistry between these two. They can barely look at each other, and Niecy bitches about him on-air constantly. She said last night, “He doesn’t even know how hysterical he is. I laugh at him all the time. But he has no snacks (at rehearsal).”

My take on the Dancing stuff: Niecy, Niecy, Niecy. I sympathize girl. It’s hard to drag your ass through these impossible routines. Her final score was 43.

Chad and Cheryl: He’s in the NFL, and being in shape is obviously not a problem. His dancing is the problem. I’ve watched this show for a few seasons now, and I always secretly love it when Cheryl gets a cruddy partner and just puckers up. Everything about her puckers. In this episode, I laughed like a little girl when she told Brooke backstage, “This show is about someone who comes in with no dance experience and improves week by week. That’s Chad.” Meee-oooow to Nicole there.

My take on the Dancing stuff: I couldn’t stand in a line at the DMV in Cheryl’s go-go boots for five minutes, much less dance in them. Final judge’s score was 45. Chad will be ba-bye soon. He’s like a Clydesdale out there.

Nicole and Derek: She’s going to win. I said it before. This is a no-brainer. Even people with lobotomies know this. Final judges score of  59 out of 60. Yes, she is a pop star and has tons of dancing experience. Are you saying that’s unfair? Go sit next to Cheryl.

Erin and Maks: First, I must say how impressed I am with Maks’ ability to grow a full beard each week, before shaving it on Mondays. I am also impressed that Maks keeps his well-known temper in check with Erin during rehearsal. Man, can she whine. However, she did this radical and dangerous jump this week that took cajones.

The Dancing stuff: Erin will make it to the final three, but she has to learn not to act like a stick figure. Which is hard when you have a body like a stick figure. Yeah, I don’t feel sorry for her, either. Final score: 53 points.

Evan and Anna: The judges keep accusing Evan of being cold toward Anna, and not being able to romantically relate to her. Um … he’s a male figure skater. Not that there’s anything wrong with that! And, possibly, he finds her hairspray offensive. Possibly! Final score: 53 points.

Dance stuff: Evan’s best dance tonight, the judges concluded, was the second one when he danced as a futuristic robot and didn’t have to show any emotion. So, there you go. Safe!

Ah the Dancing, the Dancing. My husband only came out from behind his murder novel once, to see if Cheryl was almost naked. I’m sure he’s not the only one missing Pam either.

On to the semifinals!

Clacked by Tara Shrodes
on May 11, 2010 @ 11:00 EST5EDT