If I had the chance I’d ask the World to dance!

Excuse me for doing my Oprah impression up there, but I’m right in the middle of Kitty Kelly’s tell all book about “The O.” A sad fact of this being that I often say things in her characteristic bellow, and can’t help myself.  Why just last night, the Husband asked if I wanted peas or lima beans with dinner.  Before you could say Tom Bergeron, I screamed  “Liiiimmmmaaa Beeeeaans!”  I’ll be alright.  Only a hundred more pages.

And while I took this much needed break from the Queen of all She Surveys, of course I was glued to the final countdown of Dancing With the Stars.

Here’s NFL dude Chad Ochocino.  He’s the only contestant left on the Dancing without any previous dance training ever ever in his whole life.  I know this, because not only does his partner Cheryl Burke drum it into our skulls each week, but she’s now trained Chad himself to mention it as often as possible.  In his background video package tonight, even Chad’s daughter made sure we got it that everyone else has danced in one way or another. Good girl! I smell a raise in someone’s allowance.

Having said that, he still stinks.  Too blunt?  Sorry. I had mashed potatoes for dinner, and I’m feeling a bit bloated. Not even Cheryl trying to distract us with ripping off his shirt could . . . um . . . distract me from his lackluster ability. They received a combined score of 52 out of 60 for their performances.  The only plus being that Bruno said he was so jealous of Chad’s six pack that he’ll never take his clothes off again.  So we’ve got that going for us.  Ocho bye bye!

Moon walking along, let’s talk about Erin and Maks. I think Erin performed a lot better this week. Did she practice more? Possibly. But I feel it has more to do with living in fear of her partner.  If you’ve seen the show before, you’ve been a victim of Maks and his evil stare and on the edge temper.  I think he could probably make Howard Stern blubber.  Before turning him into an incredible dancer!

Erin sounds like she’s under the influence of Svengali in her interviews. It’s all about making Maks happy. Examples: “It feels good when Maks is proud of me.” And, “Seeing how focused Maks is makes me want it more.” Oh yeah Erin, or else what? *cue scary music*

Their combined scores totaled 56. I must say, I felt they were a little jinxed last night, as Bruno made a paddle mistake, the screen went blank for several moments during her solo, and Bruno swore and got bleeped.  Maybe Bruno was just jinxed, come to think of it.  He was really more over the top than usual, and that’s saying something!  Step away from the Red Bull.

Now, tangoing on to Nicole and Derek:  Holy Obviousness Batman! Combined score of 59, even though Derek was nursing a neck injury. Nicole the Pussycat Doll (that’s her former band, not a nickname silly) has this thing tied up like traffic in L.A.  ‘Nuff said.  Except that there is an inside rumor that Cheryl has a voodoo Pussy Cat Doll likeness backstage that she keeps breaking the legs of off.  Just a rumor!

By the way, Nicole. You might not want to grab Derek’s neck and rock it like a hurricane when you get your great scores.  His. Neck. Hurts. These stars! I’ve got to walk them through everything!

Our song is winding down, so clutch me in a hold, while we discuss Evan and Anna. Not so tight! I can’t breathe! OK . . . that’s better.

Erm. Evan has had problems relating to Anna. Last week I hypothesized that being a male figure skater, he may have found her hairspray not to be to his liking. I was wrong. It turns out, he has not been thinking happy thoughts! Ah ha! Anna finds out what makes him happy, so he can think of those things during his performance and not have a blank and dead look on his face.  Evan tells her his “nephew” makes him happy. That’s sweet.  And boy oh boy, did it work! As he thought of his “nephew” during his dances, he was to quote judge Bruno, “Sparkly! Like Mickey and Judy!” Phew! He really loves that “nephew.”

Evan and Anna did well, and scored 59 points.  They’ll make it to the final two, up against the (duh) winners Nicole and Derek.

My favorite moment of the night, you ask? Well! I loved loved it when dumb-as-a-box-of-hair cohost Brooke Burke said to Evan backstage, “Evan, you talked about being shy in your package.” I know. That’s juvenile. Shame on me.

And, as Oprah would say, “Get ready for the FIIIINNNNNNAAAAALLLS!”

Clacked by Tara Shrodes
on May 18, 2010 @ 11:00 EST5EDT