Skating with the Stars … News Flash: No one breaks their tail bone

I just couldn’t resist. I had to tune in.

The premiere of Skating With The Stars debuted on the second to last Monday of the month and I succumbed to the commercial hype.

First off, let me just say this: That Vernon Kay character? He’s a kick in the pants. Because nothing — nothing – says “exciting, thrilling competition” where the host can’t remember to keep the microphone in front of his face while he’s shouting out the name of the show.

“Welcome to Skating With The ***** … !!!” he exuded while spreading his hands out wide as could be and effectively losing his voice in the process for lack of a mike. Brilliant … simply brilliant!

Oh … but it got better! Here are a few tidbits from Vern for your dining and dancing pleasure:

• “If you like watching stars fall over — and who doesn’t? — you’ve come to the right place!” Vern gushed at the start of the show.
• “Still standing — so far, so good!” Vern noted  part way through.
• At mid point he exclaimed: “The first part of our competition is complete … and we’re still in one piece!”
• And this beaut: “Tune in next week for Round Two!” Vern cried as he held up all five fingers of his left hand.

Good times. And, of course, there was more:

One performance by celebrity judge Johnny Weir was rather laughable as far as I was concerned. Yes, the guy can skate. (He’s an Olympian, for Pete sake.) But … the wannabe Marc Almond / Soft Cell look was guffaw inducing. Better was the pseudo-Valentine chicken wire get-up he came out with at the start of his showcase routine. As he started peeling off his bendy heart-shaped “neck dress,” I sat there and waited for “The Art Of Falling Apart” to begin playing.

And how were the performances? Your usual “introduction / practice / fall-down-go-boom” initial offerings we’ve come to expect in these sorts of competitions.

Of note, however, was Vince Neil’s performance (yes, that Vince Neil, of Mötley Crüe): I had to smile through his entire routine. Yep … I saw the stumbles and the hesitancy and the stop / start fumbliness when he was on the ice … but there was something about his performance I was cheering on inside. Yes … I was cheering for Vince Neil. Get off me.

The real kick was his score at the end of the night: While ending up at the bottom of the heap with 28 out of 60 points for on-ice skills and technical ability, Vince and his partner were but a mere point behind the second to last star of the night Bethenny Frankel (Real Housewives Of New York) who got 29 points. The rest of the stars — Jonny Moseley (Olympic Gold Medal skier) Rebecca Budig (All My Children), Brandon Mychal Smith (Disney star), Sean Young (movie icon) — pulled off varying degrees of success with the premiere of the show. Translation: No one bruised their butt during their routines.  Now, doesn’t that say something?

It was throw away fun for a Monday night. Or at least it stopped you from the tediousness of lifting the remote after Dancing With The Stars concluded.

If you don’t believe me, tune in next week to see if Vince and his center of gravity (it’s a harsh mistress) survive the cut.

Clacked by Michael Noble
on Nov 23, 2010 @ 10:00 EST5EDT