It’s Monday, and I’m annoyed.
Not because of a Garfield-like hatred of Mondays, or because it’s back to the working week, but because Monday is the day after a new episode of Game of Thrones airs, and that annoys me. I don’t hate the show, and I don’t hate people who are fans of it, for the most part. But there is something, more than any other show that I’ve encountered, that makes a normally non-annoying person ten times more annoying just by virtue of discussing said show. The why of this eluded me for a year before I figured it out — Game of Thrones fans, you all kind of say the same things. A lot. Over and over and over again. And frankly, it’s really super-annoying. To everyone. So you need to sit down, take note, and, for the good of everyone you love, please never say the following things again:
1. “Don’t spoil me for the next episode, you guys!”
Do you guys all remember when the Harry Potter movies came out, you all had that one friend who got really, really mad if you discussed anything that happened in the movies because you would “spoil” them? Wasn’t that friend the worst? Didn’t you want to shake them and because oh my god, it was a book first, and that book’s been out for, like, five years now, and it’s really not your job to police yourself if someone hadn’t read it? Because this is approximately how I feel every time I see a spoiler column that’s all “you’ll never believe what happens next on Game of Thrones!” or there’s the inevitable bitchfest that you’re caught in the middle of because someone “spoiled” an episode that person hadn’t seen yet. It’s a book! And it’s been out now for a while! Fun fact, did you know that If you go to Wikipedia at any point in time, you are going to get “spoiled”? Because you will.
Also, while I’m at it, I feel like I should tell you all that Darth Vader is Luke’s father, Rosebud is a sled, Soylent Green is people, and Brad Pitt and Edward Norton in Fight Club? Same guy.
2. “Wasn’t it so sad when [character] died?”
No. No it wasn’t.
Okay, here’s something you need to know about Game of Thrones: everyone, and I mean everyone, dies. I’m not sure what the “game” in Game of Thrones is, but I’m pretty sure it’s the same “game” as The Hunger Games. Everyone who goes into it is going to die. Only unlike The Hunger Games, where it’s just the kids dying — when I say everybody, I mean everybody. George R. R. Martin is your emotionally abusive boyfriend. He will systematically kill the things you love. Stop loving them. You are essentially loving the victim of the week you see die within the first five minutes of every crime drama, only George R. R. Martin makes those first five minutes last for a while, because he’s a sadistic jerk who likes to make you cry. And I can hear, like, five of you going “wait, there are people George R. R. Martin hasn’t killed yet!” Congrats. Technically, you are right. For now, anyway. But he also hasn’t finished the book series, and you know by the next book, I’m probably going to be right.
Don’t cry. Your tears give him power.
3. “[Character A] is so much better than [Character B]!”
There are very few instances in which character wars are ever in any way not stupid and come down to a matter of personal preference, and so I generally avoid them. But there is no instance that is quite as stupid as when it happens with Game of Thrones characters, because the thesis of Game of Thrones is not just “everybody dies,” but “everybody is a terrible person, and then they die in a terrible way.”
I think the worst instance I ever saw of this was a giant spat between a bunch of Cersei fans and a bunch of Tyrion fans. Cersei was an incestuous bitch! Tyrion was a womanizer! Cersei pushed a kid out a window! Tyrion raped a lady! You don’t like Cersei because you’re sexist! You don’t like Tyrion because you’re anti-dwarfist! (Is there a PC term for that?) A bunch of other stuff I don’t remember because it was all really stupid!
Are we really arguing over who sucks less, someone in an incestuous relationship who attempts to murder a child versus a philanderer and rapist? Can we not all admit that it’s going to come down to a stupid reason? I’ll give you an example — you know why I liked Cersei less than I liked Tyrion when I was still trying to watch Game of Thrones? Because Cersei killed puppies. Maybe that makes me sexist. Or species-ist. Or maybe everyone on this show is just terrible, morally speaking.
4. “Game of Thrones is the greatest show ever!”
You guys all realize you’re watching Ye Olde Days of Our Lives but with better production values and actors who can actually, like, act and stuff, right?
Okay, cool. Just checking.
Clacked by Julia Hass 
on Apr 16, 2012 @ 14:08 EST5EDT
Tyrion raped a lady?
*POST AUTHOR*
Apparently he does later in the books? Or maybe they were referring to dubious consent when it comes to prostitutes? It was unclear. Also, ridiculous.
No, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t.
*applause*
I’m a huge fan of Game of Thrones (show and books) and I agree with this entire list. Also, “Ye Olde Days of Our Lives” is my favorite alternate title for the show, ever. It’s well made and has swords and horses, but it’s really a character drama when you cut it all down. With fantastic casting.
Tyrion raped what lady now?
*POST AUTHOR*
As I said above, I have no idea of the factual validity of this statement, it’s just something that I’ve heard brought up by anti-Tyrion fans multiple times, so I assumed it was true. Upon talking to a friend who’s read the books, she says apparently he was just complicit in some sort of gangbang? Or something?! So maybe the people were arguing that makes him just as bad as a rapist?
Though this just underscores my point, which is that the whole character A v. character B argument is, inherently, dumb and comes down to personal feelings of morality and preference.
Oh alright. I thought I had missed something major while reading.
The gangbang was mentioned in the first book as well as season. His supposed wife, who his father told him was a hooker, was gangbanged (on orders) by a bunch of his soldiers, and paid well for it. In the books they also add that his father made him have a go at her as well, and then gave her a gold coin instead of the usual silver because a Lannister was worth more than a common soldier or something. Tyrion had no say in any of it.
Oh, on that particular moment, there might be a point to be made about Tyrion raping Tysha.
But again that would completely ignore that whole part of the story is about what a cruel bastard his father was.
I’m leery to put more than a toe into this particular pool (because you know I naturally disagree with you on just about every point, but that’s just the way that we are); but I think, at least among those that are having intelligent discussions on the matter – and your relation of how your friends were discussing it leads me to believe otherwise – is that the more interesting part about Game of Thrones is watching the supposedly morally corrupt be redeemed and watching those whose morals you trusted in become corrupt.
The world of A Song of Ice and Fire has a very different moral code than that of our own, and people want to discount the story because of that, hey, that’s their business, but they should just lump it into the “it’s not for me” category without passing judgement. Westeros isn’t a place where they question whether or not the ends justified the means … there are just means and ends. That people discuss the different motivations and personal codes of morality is the root of what makes the story great.
Katie and I really want to try and get into this show, but HBO is making us jump though so many hoops just to catch up and watch. It looks like we’ll have to actually catch up by sitting in the endless Netflix disk que for season 1. I also vote for Dwarfist.
. . . . .
And here I thought I just might – just might – get caught up on all the hype that is Game Of Thrones …
Julia? You should watch a movie called “RKO 281″ or atleast read the IMdB posting for it. Rosebud is not the sled.
You made me laugh, Julia. I’m going to sleep with a silly smile on my face now.
The I’m tired of is, “I can’t wait until [insert cryptic reference] happens! You know, in Book [insert #]!”
I’d be more than happy to tell you ALL about it, Ruby :P
Unlike some people, I LOVE spoilers. I’ve read enough on the wikis to know the fates of all the main characters. Spoilers save me so much time and agony. I’m the type of person who doesn’t care for surprises – I want to know everything right now. :-)
Yeah, here’s the thing bucko; the books are unreadable. The story is great, the characters are great, but RR Martin is hands-down the most annoying writer of prose on the planet outside of Daily Mail editorial columns. So yeah, **** you buddy, I’ll still be telling people to shut their flapping gobs if they start discussing stuff that won’t come up until the middle of Season 4, because I prefer to enjoy my fiction, and the show is far more enjoyable than the books.
As for “policing yourself”, I know it’s not fashionable, especially among uptight bloggers, but in real world land we have a social convention called “common courtesy”. I know expending effort in order to accommodate another human being is something alien to you, but it might be something you want to investigate.
Also, equating a middle of the road fantasy series that 99.999% of people never knew existed, and most still don’t, with I Am Your Father? Laughable.
Hey, I just gotta applaud you for Point #2: the author as your emotionally abusive boyfriend. I haven’t laughed so hard in weeks! Ohmigod, you are a genius, and you called that so, so, SO very right!
Thank you for putted a huge smile on the rest of my day. :D