“There are a lot of warning lights and sounds vying for your attention.
So we invented a warning … you can feel.
Introducing the all new Cadillac XTS, available with the patented safety alert seat.
When there’s danger you might not see you’re warned by a pulse in the seat.
It’s technology you won’t find in the Mercedes E Class.”
I debated. Really … I did.
Should I squawk about this latest Cadillac ad? Or should I just let it lay simmering in its own ridiculousness? My conclusion was I needed to rail at it. Otherwise, I would be doing a disservice to those who might not know any better.
First, however, let’s take a gander at what got my boxer briefs in a bunch:
For millions of years (okay … about 100 years … get off me) people have been driving cars. And in all that time there have been many occasions where they’ve needed to either back up or drive backward. What did they do before this “patented safety alert” technology came along? Why … they turned their heads, that’s what they did. They turned their heads to see if anything was behind them. They turned their heads — and kept them turned — until they could determine they were able to go in a backward direction safely without bumping into anything, without hitting anything, to see if there was any oncoming danger. Now? Cadillac has virtually eliminated the need in doing so, a tried and true maneuver we’ve been taught and which we have collectively subscribed to ever since we learned how to drive.
Instead? We have ass shocking devices embedded in our seats. Yes, folks … technology that basically shocks the back of our fronts at any sign of oncoming danger. They “send” us a message we’re in imminent danger of hitting something or that something is going to hit us as we’re backing our vehicles up. You know what they’re really saying? “Hey, dumbass: Do you realize you’ve spent an additional $800.00 plus tax to get your ass shocked because you’re too damned lazy to turn your head around and see what’s behind you? The joke’s on you, Bozo.” That’s what they’re saying.
But wait … there’s more. Cadillac claims above “It’s technology you won’t find in the Mercedes E Class.” Want to know why? Because Mercedes Benz is too busy installing weather control devices in their vehicles to tell us what kind of climate we’ll be accosted with when we get in our cars to run a couple miles down the street to pick up that double cheeseburger we’ve been craving. That’s what they’re doing.
Let me ask you something: When was the last time you got in your car and wondered “I guess I should check to see if I need an umbrella before I buzz on over to In ‘N’ Out for a Double-Double animal-style, just in case.” News Flash: No one in the history of driving has ever done this … !!! The only folks I know who might need such technology are the people in New Orleans who just experienced Isaac. They could use that type of technology. Not you, not me.
Besides: Aren’t we supposed to be paying attention to the road, not the console on our dashboards? With all the laws popping up against texting and jawing on our cell phones and the like, this kind of technology flies right in the face of the common sense! Geez, Louise!
Time and again I decry The Decline of Western Civilization, folks. Continually, and in the same breath, I bring up the fact Devo had — and still has — the theory of devolution dead to rights. We’re devolving, people. We’re slowly becoming schlubs who won’t be able to do anything for ourselves anymore.
But, according to Cadillac, they’re“… bringing the future forward.”
No … they’re not …