CliqueClack Flicks

One would think it’s just a simple movie rule

I love going to the movies ... and doing so would be that much more enjoyable if people would follow one simple little rule.

Everybody has something about them that’s unique. Wouldn’t you agree? Things which have come to define us as the people we are, that give us our personality and “flavor,” if you will.

That being said, it should come as no surprise not only do I have “definitions,” I have “rules,” too.

Some may seem wacky; for example, it’s a rule Cheez-its snack crackers taste better when they come out of the boxes printed with Darth Vader on them. (I learned this when Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith promos went whole hog and invaded the local grocery store.)

Some rules go without saying. Some have been taken to the point of debate with friends and associates. Some are simply head scratchers.

But I don’t make them up on a whim. Some of you (*looks in the general direction of Tara Shrodes*) think I pull rules out my backside. I don’t. There’s good reason for them. There have been times folks have said my rules need to be followed if you’re going to associate with me. Nothing could be further from the truth. (But, I will go so far as to state things could quite likely go much, much easier for you if you follow them.)

And when it comes to the movies, there is a popcorn container-full of rules. For example, I do not enter into a movie after it has started. Period. 5 minutes after the movie has begun … 1 minute in … 15 seconds in, no. Nuh-uh. Doesn’t make a difference. I don’t do it. And inappropriate movies for kids, whether they be “R” rated or if your kids are fidgety or whiny or whatever? You’re going to get an earful from me, you best believe.

Which leads me to my #1 Rule: No talking in a movie. None. Zippo. Not a bit. Keep it quiet. Verboten. Silence is golden, except what’s coming out of the speaker from the film, Bobo.

Seems simple enough, right? Common sense kind of thing, don’tcha think? Goes without saying? One would believe.

But I can’t tell you how many times this rule has been violated to the extreme when it comes to me and the movies.

My wife and I finally got the rare chance to catch a film back in late 1998. We’d gone most of the year without seeing a film in a theater. The film we chose? Titanic.

“Wait. Michael: That flick came out in 1997 … and you didn’t see it in the theater until late in 1998?” Correctomundo. I told you it’d been a while since we last ventured into a movie house, didn’t I?

Tickets purchased, bathroom visit in the bag, popcorn, munchies and a drink securely in hand, we ventured in. The grandeur of the film, the epic sweep, the adventure, the fact we were at a movie all by our lonesome without a child in tow … it was rather glorious. There was even an intermission — at 194 minutes in length, that was appreciated by everyone.

I was loving the movie right up until the last 20 minutes. There was a group of teens way down in front of the theater making monkey business. Chiding the scenes on the screen. Ooooooooo-ing and joking and giggling at the screen to the distraction of everyone in the theater, including my wife and I. I went down and told them to shut up in a not-so-kindly manner and they did … for all of 15 seconds. That did it. Out the theater I stomped and demanded to see the manager.

A friend once told me if you whine and complain and don’t do anything more than that, you’re nothing but a whiner and a complainer. Do something about it, however, and hold people accountable, and what you do is not only make yourself feel better about being proactive, but you are doing others a favor in letting them know there’s a problem needing correction.

The manager I addressed the situation to was accommodating enough and ended up tossing the kids out by their Buster Browns. But I wasn’t through. While he apologized for the inconvenience, while I told him I was appreciative for the effort, I matter of factly noted I was pissed I’dn’t a clue how the film ended. (Seriously. It was Titanic. Everyone and his brother knows how the film ends: The ship sinks, hundreds of people die horrible deaths. If you think about it, my complaint about the ending was rather comical.)

The manager graciously gave my wife and I passes to another film for the inconvenience. I was prepared to ask for compensation of some sort because of that group of little pissants but, in the end, I didn’t need to tread down that path.

Rules, people, rules. While some may be common sense, the fact of the matter is common sense isn’t so common.

Especially in the movie theater.

Photo Credit: Staples

Categories: Features, General

5 Responses to “One would think it’s just a simple movie rule”

April 9, 2011 at 11:18 PM

I can certainly agree with you about talking. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to give people the stink eye for talking. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, and sometimes I feel my life is being threatened for wanting people to stop acting like they’re in their living rooms. At a screening of Ladyhawke, a manager and usher were watching the movie while two girls in the same row talked and carried on loudly. I gave them all the stink eye to no avail and finally turned around and screamed, “SHUT THE F— UP!” They did and the manager and usher quickly made tracks back to the safety of the lobby.

At a screening of Four Brothers, there were four women behind me talking in a loud whisper than only got louder every time I looked back at them. It finally got so bad (and the theater’s sound system was crap to begin with) that I had to use my same line from Ladyhawke which stunned them. One said, “What did he say?” and another repeated it and her reply was, “Oh no he didn’t.” I did, they kept talking, and I was trapped in the middle of a crowded row. After the movie ended, I waited several minutes after the credits ended to make sure I didn’t bump into them in the lobby.

I also can’t tolerate people kicking my chair. After two hours of Minority Report and the stink eye to the guy behind my I finally stood up, turned around and yelled at the guy to stop kicking my chair. It was pretty spectacular, there were a few gasps and my friend was mortified. But I got to enjoy the last 20 minutes in peace.

April 10, 2011 at 12:27 AM

(But, I will go so far as to state things could quite likely go much, much easier for you if you follow them.)

And that’s all I have to say about that. He’s very difficult.

Especially in thinking that eating every two days is good for you, and sleeping 5 hours a night is all anyone needs.

Plus! He hates naps. Everyone knows that a good nap with a furry kitty brings happiness and joy to all involved.

You sunk your own self in this one. But it’s your fault, as you called me out.

The only *rule* I half way agree with is “Never say never or always.”

Everyone knows not to talk in movies, you goof. And you should’ve listed your many other rules for the peeps to peruse. Some are just Be-zarre.

April 10, 2011 at 1:09 AM

Gibbs would be proud.

April 10, 2011 at 10:45 PM

I full agree with the no talking rule and you rarely find anyone that will outright disagree with rule, so I do have to wonder where the morons doing it are coming from.

Then again some people go full on Nazi when it comes to noise. I was yelled at rudely for sneezing twice in quick succession when the girl in front of me sprayed some flower stuff on herself and I got a strong blast of the scent.

Though my favorite was when I was shhed during the credits. The lights were up and people were spilling out and I turned to my friend and made a comment that I hated the movie (It was Pirates 3, the script was a mess!) before getting up to leave. The lady next to me shhed saying she couldn’t hear the movie. Maybe she was just THAT die-hard of a Hans Zimmer fan, but I found it amusing.

April 21, 2011 at 1:04 PM

To be honest, I talk during the movie… however, I only go to the movies with either my boyfriend or my mom, which mean that when I tell them something, I get right up to their ear and whisper in the quietest voice ever. Seriously, I have made an art out of it.

However, there was one day when we were totally alone in the theater… and were totally going to sit on side and comment ala MST3K. But then more people came in. :(

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