Today’s Guest-clacker, Lauren Delaney, works an incredibly exciting day job at a box factory, like John Locke from Lost. Unlike John Locke from Lost, she has a kid, loves to bake and drink (sometimes together, sometimes separate), and possesses no knowledge of how to slaughter a wild boar.
I am a woman of strong opinions. From politics to food to worthless reality celebutards, I have something to say about any and all of it. But nothing, and I mean NOTHING, not even Michael McDonald, arouses my ire more than mayonnaise. I will not call it “mayo,” because giving it a nickname somehow humanizes its putrid existence, like it’s trying to be beloved by all.
Well I for one will not stand for it! Mayonnaise is, quite frankly, The Devil. It is the most vile of all condiments. Sandwiches worldwide have been ruined by its wan pallor and sickly thick consistency (thinking about it now is making me mildly nauseous). The British and Dutch ruin their delicious chips and frites with mayonnaise.How can two seemingly innocent ingredients of eggs and oil come together and make such a nefarious concoction? The black magic of science, probably. (I’m not a food scientist, so the details aren’t very clear to me, but I think something called emulsion happens, which just sounds awful.)
The fact is, I don’t understand mayonnaise. The flavor is mild, though disgusting. It brings nothing to a sandwich. Now mustard? Mustard has flavor! A bright pop for your turkey and cheese! Be fancy — get some spicy brown or go all out and get the Grey Poupon! How delicious!
Also, the texture of mayonnaise is just… disgusting. It’s thick and creamy, but in the same way as old dairy products, not in a good, custard-y way. Mustard has no such texture! It is light and undetectable! A perfect complement to a BLT.
Mayonnaise is, in short, the worst thing to happen to the world. Oh, it has its place. Like if I want a tuna fish sandwich, a teaspoon of mayonnaise can go in, but only if I hold my breath so I can’t smell the rancid stench wafting through my kitchen while dropping it into the bowl. Occasionally a remoloude will be able to pass my lips, but only if heavy on the other ingredients and topping the greatest crab cake ever made. Only a smidge, though. And of course there are various dips and dressings, but, let’s be real people. They’re made so much better when you up the sour cream (mmm… sour cream) and downsize the mayonnaise.
You can flap your yap all you want about Hellman’s vs. Duke’s or how wonderful homemade is, but you’ll never sway me from my stance that mayonnaise is the worst thing in the world. Mustard wins all the time. I’ve sent sandwiches back before because they’ve had mayonnaise on them. Don’t think I won’t do the same in your house. Because I totally will.
Clacked by Guest Clacker
on Aug 17, 2009 @ 10:00 EST5EDT
With all the mayo hating that goes on in this blog, I think I may have to write a post defending it.
I don’t get all the hate. It’s delicious… and yes, I love mustard too.
I don’t hate mayo, and I do think it has it’s uses, BUT I can totally understand why anyone would be skeeved out by it. I usually buy it in a squeeze bottle because if I had to open up a big tub of it and look at all of it sitting there in a glistening blob, I would be disgusted too. On tuna, yes. Mixed with ketchup, yes. As a salad dressing? God help me, NO.
The picture was enough for me to dry heave for a few minutes. Yes…I share your aversion. It’s the antithesis of truly truly outrageous.
P.S. – mayo on SHRIMP????!!!! WITH A LEMON??!?!!!111!!…on to the dry heaving again…