Over the past few decades one thing has become abundantly clear — television audiences love sociopaths. Whether it’s Scrubs‘ Dr. Cox, or the titular characters of Dexter, Sherlock, and House, America seems to love emotionally distant yet brilliant characters. Sometimes they push into psychopathic territory but they still end up fan favorites, sometimes they’re the hero, other times a mentor, and other times villains we love to hate.

Fox is betting on that affection for the new show Backstrom, they even gave it the tagline “Brilliant detective, total dick.” Unfortunately Backstrom comes up lacking in the brilliant department and very heavy on the dick. As of this article, there have been three episodes of the show so far, all three have been painfully uninspired and lacking any real charm. The only real stars in the show are Dennis Haysbert, of 24 and Allstate commercial fame among countless other projects, along with Six Feet Under and The Office star Rainn Wilson as Backstrom. The rest of the cast is made up of fairly unknown actors. There are some pretty faces in the supporting cast but no one really stands out as particularly memorable or special. No one sticks out as particularly bad either, just forgettable.

Fox seems painfully desperate to create the next House with this show but they come up severely lacking. Most shows in this vein try to show the audience that this terrible jerk is brilliant and that’s why people put up with his crap. From word one, the writers seem to have adopted a tell and no-show attitude. Backstrom seems dead set on telling us ad nauseam how smart he is while showing us that he actually just makes wild unsubstantiated guesses and is usually wrong. When he is right, more often than not, the success has nothing to do with real detective work and more with dumb blind luck. One character even suggests that Backstrom works on a higher plane, that he sees the world differently and when he suggests a man is guilty just because he’s black that Backstrom really noticed his body language and read into his soul but isn’t aware he’s doing it and that’s why he gives such ridiculous reasons for his intuitions. My eyes rolled so hard when I heard this I feared they would get stuck that way.

This shows a primary problem with the entire show, instead of slowly building our respect of this character, peppering in bits of his dickish behavior, they instead try to force us to respect him by telling us he’s brilliant while saying that we should find his terrible behavior funny and endearing. Plus they seem to be trying to seed in possible future plot points far too early. Several times, ancillary characters have made reference to Backstrom’s famous father, a perfect upright citizen who apparently abused him as a child. They are obviously setting up his father to enter the show eventually and be in contention with his son. Then on the other end we have a gay, thieving, son of a prostitute, who is also Backstrom’s roommate. How Backstrom knows his mother is left vague and one character even notes their similar appearance. Uh oh, looks like Backstrom will be dealing with an illegitimate child who he may or may not realize is his.

These are the kind of things most shows would wait until season three or four to get into, right around the time they start running out of ideas. Here we’re setting these up in episode two. Not a good sign of things to come. Plus the show is already treading the clichéd, “Hey! This jerk is really a well-meaning guy with a tortured past and a dark side.” If we never get to know him as a hard-assed cold-hearted genius and the writers start deconstructing him from day one, nothing they do will have any real impact. Rainn Wilson is really trying to make the character his but he just doesn’t have the charisma of a television lead. Scenes where he attempts to play up some sort of irresistible sexual draw are played seemingly straight but come off as a joke.

From uninspired writing to miscast parts, Backstrom is a misfire on every level. Its police procedural elements are boring and its comedic elements fall flat. Barring a complete overhaul in writing and tone, there’s little chance we’ll be seeing Backstom again next year.

The Girl In The Empty Grave.

Just as there was the need to dig up the girl’s grave (how else were they going to establish the grave was indeed empty?), it was a mess.

So to gain a little perspective, I went digging into its history. Come to find out, Andy Griffith (protagonist Able Marsh in this telefilm) was on the spy for a television series and this intended pilot was one of those efforts … and a failed one at that. And it wasn’t the first that failed — there were a slew of additional pilots, cropped series and one-off mysteries of the week before Griffith finally cut the mustard with Matlock in 1986. But all of them weren’t dead end disappointments. One of his most surprising roles — as a homicidal baddie in Murder In Coweta County — is worthy of a look for the interesting and uncommon performance he churns out.

Viewing this piece, however, it’s evident why it tanked in the “Hey! Let’s make a series!” department. It’s a virtual story jumble, convoluted and difficult to follow. If you’re in for the mystery aspect of it alone, you’re going to have a tough time. There are tons of other whodunnits out there vastly superior to this. Me? I gave it a go because Andy Griffith starred in the vehicle. I was curious about that. Plus the fact the title sounded intriguing. (Seriously: How can anyone be in an “empty grave” … ??? Hello! No one can! It’s empty … !!! Duh!)

(Of note is the image above with the dead body of Elizabeth’s father sitting and slumped on the left. Marsh and company appear comically oblivious to the fact there’s a corpse in the room. I couldn’t help but chuckle at this scene.)

The film starts off with someone zipping and weaving a muscle car through mountain curves at way-too-fast a clip while the credits for the film roll across the screen. Eventually, the acceleration gets the better of the driver and off the side of a mountain the car goes.

The driver turns out to be Elizabeth Alden, thought to be the titular girl planted in the local cemetery. When one of Police Chief Abel Marsh’s (Griffith) flunky deputies sees Elizabeth toodling through the main drag of town, Marsh is skeptical … until he himself witnesses same. Suddenly, it appears there’s a mystery at hand. So Marsh pays a visit to the girl’s still grieving parents. Shortly thereafter, the two end up getting mysteriously offed themselves. All of a sudden our good police chief has his hands full.

Which would be well and fine except for the fact the story takes a turn for the goofy at this point. The plot gets mired in seemingly nonsensical monkey business, unrelated characters who might or might not be involved with Elizabeth’s “death” (some of whom are throwaway at best) and dialog that leaves you shaking your head and sighing, wondering if you should really continue on with the tale. Fair warning if you decide to venture in: The Girl In The Empty Grave is an exercise in patience.

But, while this subpar mystery did nothing for me in and of itself, the kick in the shins that brought me joy was the players in the game. And what a bevy of familiar faces! Byron Murrow of Colossus: The Forbin Project! James Cromwell! (He was Zephram Cochran from Star Trek don’tcha know! And George Sibley from Six Feet Under! And pain in the ass Bob Gerson from Space Cowboys! Hey … let’s go way back: Remember Stretch Cunningham from All In The Family? Yep … that’s him!) The dashing Dr. Peter Cabe? None other than Edward Winter who I recognized immediately as the Col. Flagg from television’s M*A*S*H. And, surprising of all, wow … Cortland Gates was played by none other than Jonathan Banks! You’ll recall he was the methodical Mike Ehrmantraut of Breaking Bad and (you might not recall) Victor Maitland’s psycho-stare right hand man in Beverly Hills Cop. What a fun cast bumbling about in a hokey teleflick. Truth be told, these actors (and other recognizable faces) are what made the film for me.

If you’re an Andy Griffith aficionado, you’ll want to include this in your collection. His effort might be passable but the plot is not. Some may find it a nice piece of their Griffith puzzle … but this reviewer is not one of those.

This DVD boasted a bare bones 91 minutes of standard format playback with no extras, trailers or commentary. No surprise there in that it was a television production. At least there’s the eye-catching and drowned-in-blood-red cover of the disc case to ponder over.

The Girl In The Empty Grave was generously provided by the Warner Archive Collection for CliqueClack’s review.

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Dancing With the Stars season 18 premiered this week and even with the many changes to the show, things went rather smoothly. Following up on our review of the new celebrities participating this year, Chuck and I are back with our thoughts on the changes and who did best … and worst.

KIM: I thought the new band did well – they appeared to bring a younger energy to the set. Perhaps that’s why the producers felt a switch-up was necessary? I am so happy they brought the judges’ location back to its rightful place. I also love the Skybox – I was majorly bummed when they took it away last season. However, is it just me or was the rest of the set really lackluster? What happened to the big fancy, multicolored staircases and the really over-the-top costumes? I watch this show for the glitz and the glamour, and it felt like they were holding back on me last night. The entire show had a subdued feeling.

CHUCK: Yes, the new band did well and sometimes I couldn’t even tell when they were using recorded music, like with Ellie Goulding’s “Burn.” It sounded like the original, but then there were more voices singing with the chorus, so I thought they did a good job (and I love that song). The dancers have more floor space now with the orchestra pit mostly covered over, the video screen has been expanded down, and the staircases are still there. The stars haven’t made their entrance down the center though for a season or two. But there are two staircases at the opposite end of the ballroom as well. With the amazing lighting design that they employ on the dance floor, I thought the show was flashy as ever. They’ll build up to flashier costumes as the season progresses.

KIM: Erin seemed to hold her own as co-host, asking pertinent questions and managing to not sound like a complete airhead. I think she only placed so much emphasis on her former partner and time on the show because it was big news that Maks was back after such a long hiatus. Only time will tell though.

CHUCK: Yes, I did like Erin’s authority, and you can tell she’s a pro at what she does. She did get into asking just a bit too many personal questions which occasionally brought things to a grinding halt, and I wonder sometimes if she has producers whispering in her ear to say certain things. I do get your point about her references to her past and Maks’ return, but I hope she drops that soon because I got so sick of Brooke doing that. So what did you think of the dancing?

Nene & Tony; Cha-cha-cha — Score: 21
KIM: Nene Leakes was up first. I may still have no idea who she is, but I have to say NeNe won me over slightly with her personality. She was hilarious and not a bad dancer!
CHUCK: I love her spirit and attitude, and she did a pretty good job on her first dance, with good rhythm and musicality. And she sure was brave starting out the first dance of the seasons center stage by herself. Len said it was a great start.

James & Peta; Foxtrot — Score: 21
KIM: James was good-looking, but that only gets you so far in this competition. His performance didn’t wow me. In fact, it was very forgettable, as I’m sitting here and not recalling a single thing about it.
CHUCK: I thought James did a good job, even with the apparent awkwardness between him and Peta. He did seem a little stiff at times, though, and some footwork was a bit sloppy.

“James, you and I, we know why we’re here. We’re here for a bit of eye candy for the ladies.” — Len Goodman

Danica & Val; Foxtrot — Score: 24
KIM: Danica was as cute as ever. Has she aged at all since The Wonder Years? I love Val and I really would love to see him win a Mirror Ball Trophy. Maybe this will be his season, as he and Danica looked really comfortable together and made dancing well appear effortless.
CHUCK: Danica was adorable, and her enthusiasm for the show really came through in her performance. She wants to be there! I loved her excitement when meeting Val for the first time, they had a terrific first dance and she had great footwork and frame. She is definitely one to beat! It was also funny that she didn’t understand Erin’s question about how she felt and Val had to explain it to her.

“When Val starts translating for people, it’s got to be one of the signs of the Apocalypse.” — Tom Bergeron

Sean & Karina; Contemporary — Score: 20
CHUCK: I’m not a big fan of Contemporary dances on this show. They amount to a bunch of running, jumping, spinning and lifting. There are no real technical dance steps. I guess he did okay. Carrie Anne was fascinated by him. It’s going to take a while to warm up to him. He just seems so cold and aloof, but maybe it’s just that very dry, sarcastic humor they mentioned in the video package.
KIM: So, Sean is a hockey player? That is interesting. I thought he did pretty well, but I agree with you Chuck when you say it will take a while to warm up to him – there’s just something about him that seems rather cold and calculating even off the ice. Did he ever smile?
CHUCK: Yes, Carrie Anne made him smile during her critique. Tom made a big deal of it!

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It’s been ages since I’ve seen a Woody Allen movie. Last one I saw was Match Point in 2005 and before that it was 1994’s Bullets Over Broadway. I guess I like the “early, funny films” over his more dramatic output later in his career. But with all the acclaim Cate Blanchett has been getting for her performance in Blue Jasmine — not to mention the Golden Globe and SAG awards and Oscar nomination — and the release of the Blu-ray on January 21, I decided it was high time I gave this one a shot.

If you’re unfamiliar with the story, it seems pretty simple on the surface. Jasmine Francis has it all. A super wealthy husband, a lavish home, a son in law school, fancy clothes, an abundance of friends, and pretty much everything else she could want. But that all comes crashing down when she learns of her husband’s affairs and that his wheeling and dealing was more stealing and cheating, including “investing” $200,000 of her sister’s finace’s money into a bogus real estate venture. With nothing left to her name, Jasmine has to leave New York to live with her sister in San Francisco until she can get back on her feet but that seems to be a greater task than anyone could have ever imagined.

Like I said, the plot seems to be fairly simple on the surface but Allen’s script and Blanchett’s performance bring many, many layers to the story. It’s like peeling an onion the way Allen has structured the film between the present and a flashback that illustrates how Jasmine has gotten to a particular place in the story. We see Jasmine arrive in San Francisco, presumably still full of herself as she babbles on to a fellow passenger who has no clue what’s she’s talking about. When Jasmine arrives at her sister’s apartment, she gives off an air of this place being beneath her even though she’s grateful for a place to stay.

As Jasmine has to come to terms with where life has taken her, Blanchett manages to make Jasmine one of the most unlikable characters ever committed to film but at the same time, you almost feel sorry for her, or you become happy for her when she meets Mr. Right and then you realize again what a horrid person she is as she concocts a new life story for him … and then you also realize what a terrible person Dwight (Peter Sarsgaard) is because he’s just attracted to Jasmine because she looks the part of a politician’s wife. Jasmine also meddles in her sister’s life by nearly causing the break-up of her relationship (she thinks Ginger can do better than the grease monkey she’s with … who loves Ginger with all his heart), and she proves totally inept at something as simple as working on a computer. You also wonder just how “clueless” Jasmine was to her husband’s scheming ways.

The one time you genuinely feel sorry for Jasmine is when her boss, a dentist for whom she takes a receptionist job to pay for her computer classes, becomes overly aggressive with her, forcing himself on her as she attempts to leave for the day. This is a totally shocking moment in the film because this is the one thing in Jasmine’s life that she didn’t deserve, and meeting Dwight shortly afterwards seems like she’s finally heading in the right direction. Blanchett plays every emotion possible, and even when she seems to be stabilizing, there’s always an undercurrent of despair or mania just brewing under the surface and is almost always clearly visible on Blanchett’s face. The devastating climax doesn’t give us any easy answers to Jasmine’s plight, leaving us to wonder if she’ll be able to survive on her own.

Blanchett has more than earned her accolades so far this year, and it would be simply stunning if she loses the Oscar. She gives a truly masterful, yet understated performance that sits on the complete opposite end of the spectrum as Meryl Streep’s “look at me!” performance in August: Osage County. While Sandra Bullock gave a powerful performance in Gravity, it’s beginning to seem more gimmicky and technical than actual acting, and Amy Adams may have won the Golden Globe for a comedic performance in American Hustle but she will not take home Oscar gold against Blanchett. One can assume, if you’ve seen Philomena, that Judi Dench is probably Blanchett’s only real competition. It will be a true injustice if Blanchett does not win.

Blanchett’s co-star Sally Hawkins is also nominated for Best Supporting Actress as Jasmine’ sister Ginger. Hawkins more than holds her own against Blanchett and gives Ginger’s story arc a lot of humanity, even if things happen a bit too quickly in the structure of the movie. It’s certainly no fault of her own, and she gives Ginger more strength beneath the surface than Jasmine believes she has. The supporting cast, including Sarsgaard, Bobby Cannavale, Alec Baldwin, Louis CK and, surprisingly, Andrew “Dice” Clay, also give very strong performances … but what does one expect from a Woody Allen ensemble?

The Blu-ray is gorgeous, with a sharp, colorful image that contrasts the golden luster of Jasmine’s New York life with the colorful Bohemia of her new life in San Francisco. The English 5.1 DTS-HD Master Audio is crisp and clear, keeping the dialog front and center and Allen’s usual jazz score in the background. The surround speakers are barely used, but it’s still a very nice sounding track. The disk’s extras are sparse, with a six minute reel of red carpet and press interviews with Blanchett, Sarsgaard and Clay, and a 25 minute press conference with the same three actors answering questions about working with Woody and the way they approached their characters (clothes played a big part). I suppose it’s too much to expect any type of participation from Allen himself, but it would be nice to have a commentary track with Blanchett at the very least giving us more insight into what makes Jasmine tick.

If you haven’t seen Blue Jasmine yet, I do highly recommend checking out the Blu-ray or DVD. The presentation of the film is lovely and even if you can’t stand Jasmine, you’ll still be impressed by Blanchett and the rest of the cast and Allen’s deep, insightful Oscar-nominated script.

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So here’s what’s going to happen in this post:

You might learn a few things about me. Maybe some revealing, eye-opening things. It might help explain why I like some of the things I like. At least … I think it will. You may not agree. And that’s okay. I can’t please everyone. And I can’t put stuff out there that makes sense to me but might confuse you. I figure so long as there’s that basic  understanding — possible revelations which may not make sense to you — then I’m pretty certain you can at least wrap your head around some of what I’m going to say.

By nature, I’m not a comedy-watching kind of guy; that might come as a surprise. I shy away from comedy films and I routinely avoid comedy television programs. The Big Bang Theory? Puzzles me to no end. I don’t get it. Brainiacs who make fools of themselves or who find themselves out of their element socially. Not funny to me in the least. Adam Sandler films? Will Ferrel movies? I don’t watch them and wouldn’t voluntarily go to one. You couldn’t entice me to one of these men’s flicks with free popcorn, soda and Jujubees. They’re inane and pointless to me. (The films, not the Jujubees.)

Comedy I like? Hit me up with The Blues Brothers. Sixteen Candles. Dark Star. Bob’s Burgers. Even the Charlie Sheen years of Two And A Half Men in small doses. (I don’t care what anyone says about Sheen or the show back in those days; there was some smart writing goin’ on.)

I like dark humor, too. Six Feet Under. Leaving Las Vegas. Breaking Bad. Classic humor I like: Young Frankenstein. Laurel & Hardy. The Marx Brothers. Robert DeNiro in Midnight Run, Jeff Bridges in Starman. Comedic plays such as Man Of La Mancha.

And I know what you’re saying right about now: “Michael? I happen to know you’re a funny guy. Don’t give me guff and don’t make me put on boots to wade through your bullshit. You like comedy! ” I am funny. And I do like comedy. But I don’t like watching comedy as a rule. “Hogwash! You reviewed the entire first season of New Girl a couple years ago! If that’s not comedy, what is?!?” And you would be right. I stepped out of my viewing element (and I called myself out for doing so many a time) and watched that premiere season. I’ll admit: It had its moments. I was completely on board with The Douchebag Jar. I was hit and miss (often “miss”) with Zooey Deschanel’s Jess, mostly on board with Jake Johnson’s Nick and often vacillated with Max Greenfield’s Schmidt. But after a season of the show, I was done. I don’t believe I’ve watched a single episode of New Girl since. And I don’t feel as if I’ve missed anything in spurning it.

I’d like to like a comedy television programs … really, I would. A lot of friends (no comments from the peanut gallery, Ivey) and associates say there are some worthy things out there in TV Land. I would dig giving myself whole-heartedly to something guffaw-inducing, slapstick-ish or sly. But picky me, I haven’t found anything yet.

Now? Here comes FOX’s Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

And — surprise wowzah! — with one of my favorite actors, Andre Braugher! Loved, loved, loved his underlying snark in Homicide: Life On The Street. Dug him (mostly) in Men Of A Certain Age. As an actor of stature and command, I was thrilled to tune in to the too-short Last Resort with Braugher as the obstinate Captain Marcus Chaplin. And in House as Dr. Darryl Nolan? You betcha. (There’s another show with dark and not-so-dark comedy elements I enjoyed.)

But, sorry to say, Brooklyn Nine-Nine is lacking in some basic elements … “comedy” being one of them. At least, sustaining comedy by its star that will weather it through an initial season. There’s of course the mandatory set-up to get us familiar with the characters, but it feels forced, like someone is shoving it down our throats or waved before our eyes when it doesn’t need to be. Especially in the case of Saturday Night Live‘s Andy Samberg (as extremely smart/smart alec Detective Jake Peralta) who steam rolls along in the pilot, any obstacles in his way be damned. And it doesn’t sit well within the context of the show. Instead of letting Peralta sway us with his charms while tossing yucks at us, we’re force-fed sarcasm and shenanigans when there is no need for them. And it leaves an unpleasant aftertaste. The viewing audience isn’t dumb, for Pete’s sake … why do the producers of Brooklyn Nine-Nine feel the need to bombard us as if we need an 800-pound gorilla hovering over us making sure we get the joke? Samberg overplays the role. For example: When we see Peralta giving in to his new captain’s demand that ties be worn by the men of his command, it’s just dumb to see Samberg lift his shirt, his tie wrapped around his mid-section. It’s so contrived it isn’t even funny. In fact, it’s stupid … and not in a good way. It’s not even “good” stupid comedy. It’s just dumb.

Much more appealing is the easily swallowed Captain Ray Holt (Braugher). His demeanor is infinitely more comfortable than Peralta’s. It comes effortlessly without the in-your-face bombast. It helps that all Braugher has to do is shoot a look someone’s way and you know exactly what he’s conveying. Comedy without words. The show’s writers should know better, being they’re obviously doing this for Braugher.

Yet … there’s hope. Hope in that the rest of the cast gels together to overshadow some of the daftness Samberg showcases. Their “straight man” roles help soften the harsh edges of Samberg’s character and give me at least a little optimism that the current circus doesn’t revolve around the stark and glaring clown-star. (Stephanie Beatriz‘ strong Detective Rosa Diaz is a welcome relief.) There’s hope in Braugher reining in some of the stupidity of Samberg’s antics and working an uneasy but better pairing of the two. This could yield a more cohesive comedy that doesn’t rely completely on dippiness for laughs. Because right now? Out of the gate? It’s not working.

So … did you learn anything about me? Maybe that my comedy likes are too high-falutin’? Too picky? (Nah. Hello! Blues Brothers! Two And A Half Men! Bob’s Burgers!)

Maybe my expectations are too high. Maybe my love for Andre Braugher comes with blinders and a notion of hopeful trust that smartness will eventually come out of this new show instead of an insipid 24 minutes of slough. As with my previous New Girl “adventure” a few seasons back, I’ll stymie my judgment and go along for the ride and see what comes out the other end.

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You know, one of the things that I enjoy about watching television is discovering hidden gems — actors and actresses that possess immense talent but, for some bizarre reason, aren’t the stars of their own programs. I think we’ve all seen these capable individuals pop up in sitcoms or dramas, and we wonder to ourselves who, what, when, and where the hell they came from. Well, this week’s Clacking in Color is about one of those enigmatic performers — Justina Machado.

I shrugged it off thinking to myself that I’d never see her again, that Machado was just one of those many struggling artists trying to climb out of the deep dark abyss of non-recognition. However, I was pleasantly surprised and equally pleased to see her pop up in Private Practice as Dr. Sam Bennett’s new main squeeze — a pity he dumped her in the final episode of the series though. Nevertheless, she did leave a lasting impression.

Perchance that’s a testament to her talent. Heck, I’d like to think so.

I distinctly remember the scene of Machado nearly kicking down Teri Hatcher’s door in Desperate Housewives in order to find her missing husband and, I quote, ring his neck like a chicken. Hell, I thought the lady was serious. Also, did anyone see Machado tell off KaDee Strickland’s Charlotte in Private Practice? Now, how awesome was that?

I don’t know how it is to be an actor or actress in Hollywood. I’m not sure I want to know. I imagine it must be challenging. In fact, I don’t even think that’s the proper word. Maybe traumatic is. However, it’s nice to know that Machado is making a name for herself. She’s clearly getting steady work and in this economy, that’s a good thing. It’s moments like these where I wish I was a successful screenwriter and show runner a la Shonda Rhimes. If I were, I’d cast Machado as a lead character in a drama. I think that would be cool. Yet I digress.

Maybe there’s some good to flying under the radar. After all, the gossip columnists aren’t all over you and you can also avoid negative attention. Who wouldn’t want that? I always said that if I made it to Hollywood, I’d want to be an actor and not a celebrity. There is a definite difference. That’s what Machado is — an actress and not a celebrity.

And there ain’t a damn thing wrong with that.

Do you enjoy reading Clacking in Color? Jaylen sure as hell hopes so. Keep up with his opinions and ponderings by following him on Twitter @thesuperflynerd!

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Basically, everything you’d expect from a young, interactive cast and writing staff happened in the New York Comic Con Haven panel. Everyone just relaxed and let their hair down. Eric Balfour (Duke) and Lucas Bryant (Nathan) fist-bumped each other. Cast and crew all pretended they didn’t want Stephen King (whose novel started it all) on the show. Of course they do! Charles Ardai is still working his magic. The producers joked that Nathan is better looking than Lucas while Lucas casually lounged against Emily’s chair.

I always like panels and in-person interviews because you get a chance to see how actors tick. No matter how press-prepared they are, their feelings towards certain events always leak through. Emily literally glowed while describing her love of the Sarah character. Eric Balfour might be pretty, but, he isn’t a pretty boy. Mentally, he fires on all cylinders. He complimented Adam (aka the Edge) as proving a better actor than wrestler. And he meant it. Basically, if you think Edge is a kickass wrester, wait until you see him act. Speaking of Eric Balfour, why is our favorite long-haired hippie growing his hair out? To play the original long-haired hippie, Jesus, in a zombie flick.

The cast further showed their enjoyment with the audience by answering which Haven character they’d become. One of the producers identified with Nathan, the strong silent type. Charles Ardai (who I interviewed two years ago) aspires to reach Haven’s red-shirted victim infamy by dying on-screen in a gruesome manner. Two of the producers aligned themselves with the dialogue-oriented brothers, Vince and Dave Teagues. Adam Copeland (Dwight) feels Dwight is slowly morphing into Vince while declaring his unabashed love for the two Teagues brothers. Emily Rose (who I also interviewed last year) detailed her love of season one’s Eleanor Carr. And, I wholeheartedly agree. I loved seeing a strong woman who played to her personality and not her looks. And, as an avid TV-watching female, I wouldn’t mind seeing more of that. While Emily loved Dr. Carr’s ability to be strange, she also respects Mary-Colin Chisholm’s longstanding career – a performance longevity she hopes she’ll share.

I enjoyed the incredible comfort the male cast members exhibited with each other. Eric thinks he could play Audrey so he would finally get to kiss Lucas. Adam joked that it’s tough controlling his character’s facial expressions opposite Lucas’s hotness. Mocking his transition from performative wrestling to scripted TV, he claimed he always wants to beat his chest and bug his eyes out whenever Lucas turned him on. Let’s be honest, who doesn’t want to see Eric, Lucas, and Adam in a three-way make out? I’m currently penning the 579^th fan-fiction on that. Fun fact, did you know that Eric and Lucas starred in a 2005 UPN TV show, Sex, Love & Secrets, with Denise Richards, Tamara Taylor (Camille in Bones), and Omar Miller (teddy bear Walter in CSI: Miami)? I didn’t until right now. Eric was also in Veritas: The Quest with How I Met Your Mother’s Cobie Smulders. Thank you IMDb. Is Eric Balfour the new Kevin Bacon? Maybe google will do a six-degree of Balfour separation some day (not that anyone would ever want to separate from Balfour’s abs).

Despite the light-hearted panel environment, the cast’s favorite episodes varied from the quirky to the sad. Lucas loved the creepiness of episode three, “The Farmer,” and the utter fun of episode four, “Over My Head.” One of the producers admitted that the original final scene in “The Farmer” (3.03) included more dialogue, but they kept removing lines until settling upon Duke’s wordless eyes. Most described episode seven, “Magic Hour,” as their favorite. Although Emily loved episode nine, she and Adam described episode thirteen, the season finale, as incorporating multiple emotions. All I can say to Haven fans is we’re in for a world of hurt, so get out your handkerchiefs and cross your fingers.

The panel returned to its playful vibe when the group described their ideal super powers. Emily wants teleportation (to escape TSA lines). Eric wants instant Panda Express invocation capabilities (um, Eric, it’s called a phone!). Edge wouldn’t mind rocking Colossus of the X-Men’s rock hard steel (yes, Lucas joked about the “rock hard” line). And, Charles wants mind control (to extend Haven to 11/12 seasons).

During the panel, I realized why Balfour’s fans love him. He’s giving. Eric complimented his fans for remembering roles he didn’t and for asking intricate questions that would’ve had William Shatner crying “get a life.” To the guy who asked, Duke receives super strength when troubled blood touches him. Enough said. At the end of the day, rather than getting angry at fans for following his career or for spending time learning about his characters, he’s grateful they care that much. That’s why people follow him and love him. He gives back what he receives. And, clearly, I’m a fan myself. At the end of the day I noticed I wrote Duke, Nathan, Audrey, or Dwight in my notebook, as opposed to the actors’ real names. And, I’m not-so subconsciously a fan of Lucas Bryant’s married DILF-prettiness. A lot of my notes detailed his beautiful blue eyes, well-worn leather coat, and knit hood. It goes without saying Eric is just as pretty, but let’s not pen either as the pretty boys next door. Sure, Eric was in a lot of short-lived TV shows, that I wasn’t a fan of, but he was also in 24, Six Feet Under, and Life on Mars.

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What are the TV episodes that scared the heck out of you THEN that you still remember NOW? In the 90s, right after I graduated from college, Buffy‘s “Hush” scared the crap out of me. It might’ve come out in December but it felt pure Halloween 180%. After that, Dr. Who’s “Blink” comes a close second. Like “Hush,” I watched it on my couch, while clutching a pillow, utterly terrified. No joke. I am still afraid of stone angels to this day.

So, I called the CliqueClack gang to ask people about the most memorable TV episode that scared the crap out of them. Although almost everyone claimed they didn’t watch scary TV, almost everyone had one. Interestingly enough, Bob pointed out that no American Horror Story episode made the list. Although I couldn’t include as-of-yet unaired episodes of The Following or The Cult on the list. James Purefoy in The Following gives me nightmares.

So, in no particular order, find the most memorably terrifying TV episodes ever from the CliqueClack gang.

• “Blink” – Dr. Who
• “The Empty Child“/”The Doctor Dances” – Dr. Who
• “Hush” – Buffy
• “Home” – X-Files
• “A Private Life” – Six Feet Under
• “Lonely Souls” – Twin Peaks
• “Green Fingers” - Night Gallery
• “An Occurrence at Owl Creek Bridge” – Twilight Zone
• “The Tale of the Dollmaker” – Are You Afraid of the Dark
• “Bert and Ernie in a Pyramid” – Sesame Street
• Boris Karloff’s Thriller series
• Without Warning
• Nothing from American Horror Story

An: My scariest TV ep ever is “Blink” from Dr. Who. But my favorite scariest TV episode for the 2012-2013 season is the Following pilot (which I know isn’t out yet, but seriously it scares me) and, after that, this season’s Haven premiere. Any other thoughts?

Katie: I’d still say the two-parter “The Empty Child”/”The Doctor Dances” on Dr. Who. You will never not be afraid of the word mummy after it (and not in the way you might think).

Christina: I am not much into scary stuff (don’t get scared by the usual stuff), so I’d go with those Who episodes as well. Oh, and the Gentlemen from the Buffy episode “Hush” were pretty creepy.

Brett: For me, the X-Files episode “Home” still tops the list.

Bob: Is that the one with the “surprise” under the bed?

Brett: Indeed. The most frightening “under the bed” reveal ever.

Michael: To date, I can’t find this episode. I want to say it’s in Boris Karloff’s Thriller series, but I’m uncertain and IMDB doesn’t tell me anything:

When I was a kid, I remember seeing an episode about a burglar who broke into an undertaker’s business to steal from the dead. A dead woman, who the robber was burgling the rings from her atrophying fingers, suddenly opened her eyes. I believe he thought her eyes were open originally and shut them timidly, only to feel her move as he tried to remove one particular ring. He looked up and she was staring at him menacingly. Scared the shit out of me.

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I have a confession to make. I have never watched Starz’s Spartacus series. Nor have I seen the 1960 film version, starring Kirk Douglas and directed by Stanley Kubrick. Deep down inside, I’m a PG-13 kind of girl. A testosterone fueled film/show with sexual overtones starring a bunch of sweaty guys never quite appealed to me. However, when the call came to review Titan Books’ latest Spartacus novel, I leapt upon it. As a former English major, I’m always interested to see if novelistic adaptations can stand on their own. Can a person who never watched the show, the film, read Howard Fast’s original novel, or read the previous novelistic adaptation released by Titan Books, Swords and Ashes, truly understand and enjoy a Spartacus novel? My answer? Yes. Yes. They can.

Mark Morris did a good job writing Morituri. The novel surrounds the inability of Spartacus and his fellow gladiators to withstand the untrained might of a new gladiator camp while fighting a mysterious plague. This definitely takes place before the Spartacus: Vengeance finale. If you’re a lover of the Starz series, the novel incorporates the sex and violence you’d expect. However, if you’re lover of strong, sci-fi writing then you’ll enjoy Mark Morris’ style even more. It’s densely textured and well-plotted. He ably switches between the main characters’ Spartan grammar and the contemporary English third person narrative form.

The novel nicely conveyed series relationships and Gladiator culture. If you’ve never watched the series (like me), worry not, you can easily follow along. The novel primarily takes the perspective of Batiatus, Spartacus’ owner; Spartacus’ rival, Crixus; Batiatus’ Lady MacBeth-esque wife, Lucretia; as well as Doctore, a wise, former gladiator turned gladiator caretaker. I learned to view Batiatus as a cross between a boxing manager and a football team owner whose empty propaganda inexplicably inspired his fighters. Despite his clear greed, his childish glee when watching his gladiators and his reliance upon the enslaved Spartacus showed an unexpected side, which I appreciated. I doubly enjoyed Lucretia’s uber-aware cunningness and wished she could’ve run the Ludus in lieu of her husband. Finally, Crixus’ bed-ridden fighting nature and Doctore’s retired fighter wisdom made me hope to see them both within the ring some day.

Admittedly, there are some weaknesses in the story. There was one resolution I had issues with and if you’re a mystery lover, you’ll easily untangle the story’s center. But, I didn’t read the novel for the mystery. I read it for the writing and the writing kept me reading. I loved that Morris’ text hinged less on sex and violence, after the initial two chapters, and more on the characters and their interactions.

For an excerpt of the initial pages, check out Titan Books’ site. For a sneak peek provided just for CliqueClack, keep on reading!

This review based on a complementary review copy provided to CliqueClack by Titan Books.

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