Lost in Lost: My grand unified theory of everything… but not really

by Bob Degon

ABC

One of the things that I love about Lost is that we don’t really know what’s going on. I know a lot of people find this annoying and would love to just have all the answers, but I’m patient. I love the slow burn of this show, essentially getting to play along, trying to put all the pieces together as I watch. A big part of the online Lost community is coming up with theories and ideas about where the plot is going and what the island really is. Well, I think I have the answer… or a possible answer anyway.

After carefully examining all the unknowns and outstanding mysteries, pouring over the clues and subtle details I am fairly confident that I have all the answers. Are you prepared to know what’s going to happen? Are you prepared to know the true nature of Jacob, the island, and those mysterious lists? Do you dare find out?

All right, now stay with me here… I have come to the conclusion that Jacob is… Santa Claus. Now before you get all up in my grill on this, hear me out:

As we have seen on Lost, Jacob keeps lists of people he deems good and people he deems bad. Who else do we know that keeps list of those who are naughty and nice? That’s right – Santa!
We also know that the island is invisible to the outside world. Well, Santa’s been around for a very long time and no one has been able to find his top secret toy factory yet. Coincidence? I don’t think so.
At this point it is clear that the island can manipulate time in strange and unexplainable ways. How do you think Santa can deliver presents to all those kids on Christmas Eve? Time travel, that’s how.
The Others are clearly Santa’s elves. They take children because they need the little hands to build all the toys. It’s so simple!
The smoke monster? That’s slightly more complicated, but I believe that it is an abstract manifestation of Santa’s reindeer. The smoke can take many different shapes – it formed into a hand when it killed Eko, and many viewers believe that it has taken the shape of Eko’s brother, Jack’s father, and Kate’s horse. Let’s face it, there isn’t much difference between a horse and a reindeer… plus, we already know the smoke monster can fly.

All right, so when all is said and done in two years, Jacob probably won’t turn out to be Santa Claus, but admit it — you considered it. I mean, isn’t that what we all love about this show? As insane and ridiculous as any idea about it may seem, every Lost theory deserves consideration. So what do you think? What are the craziest Lost theories you’ve heard? Have any crazy ones of your own?