I’m going to break my promise to you. I apologize, but I would be forsaking my duty to you, avid Celebrity Apprentice fan, were I to ignore the horror that was Momma and Baby Rivers this past week. I’ll keep it curt, but I wanted to forewarn you: The following is not for the faint of heart.
I’ve been enjoying the fact that each episode of this show opens with the previous weeks’ victorious project manager presenting a check to the charity that he or she is playing for. This touch not only gives some grounding to what’s to come, but it has also provided us with some laughable moments (last year’s contestant Stephen Baldwin re-introducing himself to his mother time and time again for one). And this week was by far the best. Jesse James presented a check for $20,000 to the Long Beach Education Foundation, only after getting down and dirty with the kids who were there taking a class. Clearly, not only does James give of his wallet, he also gives of his time and his heart. Bravo.
Back on the show, however, Jesse got a quick wakeup call when he was moved over to team KOTU, that of Clint Black and Momma Rivers. The task was a print ad for Right Guard’s newest deodorant (who’s still using a roll-on stick?), featuring New York Knick David Lee … Could they have chosen anyone more obscure? Sure, I know who he is, but that’s because as a subscriber to The New York Times, I’m familiar with all New York sports teams. Are other people?
I do have a bit of bragging to do: Annie referred to the readers of Sports Illustrated, who the ad was for, as “real men.” Take that, you pompous Field and Stream subscribers!
This week gave us Clint versus Brande Roderick, and right away you knew we were in for drama. Baby Rivers has been crying about Annie Duke and Brande ganging up against her, while Momma has a history with Clint, and Jesse immediately badmouthed Clint in an interview. Can’t any of these people pretend to be adults? To be honest, I was most surprised by Jesse. He went from being a quiet producer to a badmouther behind people’s backs. Not only that, but he also pouts when he doesn’t get his way; how beneficial was it to tell Clint to scrap their entire campaign at the last minute, just because he preferred his own idea? The man may be in advertising (how many things are “what he does”?), but that doesn’t mean his is the only voice that should be listened to. There is definitely a disconnect on the show between the project manager and their understanding of each player’s strengths and weaknesses, but once the creative session is over, do the work, and be as helpful to the ultimate goal as you can be. Jesse fell far short, and as a result, my opinion of him tumbled.
I’d also like to mention, for edification purposes, that Jesse harped on framing David Lee as a small-town guy who’s been thrust into the pressure cooker that is New York City. Yes, Lee was born in St. Louis (not really a small-town, but okay), but he spent three years playing for the University of Florida Gators (they killed my March Madness bracket two years in a row!) before entering the NBA draft. Get your facts right before throwing a hissy fit!
On the other side, Annie positioned herself as savior if the team won, and not to blame if they lost. She spent a lot of time talking about how much responsibility fell on her shoulders, but I went back and watched the task again; I didn’t see it. This may be another example of poor editing, but I didn’t witness Annie putting in any more effort than anyone else, or being tasked with any more responsibility than the rest of her teammates. Sure, Baby spent way too much time crying in front of the cameras (if this was like high school for her, I imagine she spent a lot of time crying to Momma and hiding in the bathroom), but she was also out front for much of the competition. If anyone was lacking, it was Brande, but this show (read: Trump) flip-flops week after week on the issue of delegation. Some weeks it’s brilliant if you do it properly; others, you’ve failed as project manager. So, it was impossible to tell which way the winds would blow this time.
Okay, so KOTU won, but not before Jesse showed clear disappointment in the fact that their product was better than Athena’s. Way to be a team player! The ad is due in this week’s Sports Illustrated, so I have yet to see it, but nevertheless I have to say this: these creations are never any good. When pitted against one another, one may beat the other but none of these products have ever been good (and sometimes, neither one wins). If the “celebrities” were actually competing for a job, they’d never earn one.
But I digress. Exit team KOTU, and we’re left with the fighting three. The boardroom is usually a brawl, every man (or woman) for themselves, but I was still surprised by the way in which Annie was almost pleading for survival. No, it wasn’t in her tone, but I got the sense that her previous strength as a player has disappeared. At this point she’s literally grabbing at anything and everything she can reach in order to prop herself up, and unless she can get that focus and drive back, she’s done.
Brande I can’t read. I think there’s more to her than you’d imagine, but a lot of times she lets a side of her slip out that is more party, less business. The question is, is she merely letting down her guard, or is that just her true self shining through? Hard to tell. She did, however, have the funniest line of evening, and I will preface it by saying that I think she was just nervous and flustered; I am not calling her dumb. Ivanka (where in the hell is Don Don!) asked Brande something with the word “forgo” in it, and the answer required Brande to use the past tense of the word, “forwent.” What did she say instead? “Forgew!” Nice, right? I laughed … the first time, and the few times I rewound and watched it again.
Finally, to the unpleasantness. Last week, deebopalula suggested a conspiracy theory of sorts between Momma, Annie, Baby, and possibly Brande. After watching this episode, I have to enthusiastically agree: this is clearly made for TV drama. Baby spent the episode whining about being ganged up against. Momma lashed out at Annie the second the latter opened her mouth in the boardroom.
And when Baby ends up being fired because Trump believes (rightly so) that she’s the weakest fundraising link left on Athena, what does Baby do? She storms out of the boardroom, runs to the suite to find Momma, curses out her teammates, storms back out past them to the elevator, with bleeps flying and Baby demanding her things and telling the producers that she’s not coming back, nor is she granting them a post-firing interview.
Meanwhile, Momma waits for Annie and Brande to return before screaming at them for being two-faced (Annie) and a dumb blond (Brande). Momma tells Annie: “You’re a poker player; that’s beyond white trash!” before scurrying after Baby and disappearing with her down the elevator. I honestly hope that Momma keeps her promise to quit if Baby gets fired, but I know that she won’t; she’s on the commercials for next week. Either way, good riddance to Baby, and let’s just hope that Momma follows close behind. It’s already clear that if Annie or Brande gets to the finals, they’ll be saddled with at least one Rivers as a teammate; can’t we get a little bit of time without their annoying insanity first?
And with only four “celebrities” left, the finalists will be revealed next week. Who’s your money on?
Clacked by Aryeh S.
on Apr 28, 2009 @ 17:00 EST5EDT
Ahhh – where should I begin? First, the title of your post is perfect because everything about this episode was high school. Baby Rivers was obviously caught up in some recreation of high school drama from her past. She played the girl everyone picked on and teased. Annie played the manipulative bitch, Brande – the “kind of” dumb girl. Jesse James was a sullen bully, Clint – the straight arrow class president who thinks way too highly of himself, Joan an enabling guidance counselor. And let’s not limit it to the players — Jim Cramer was the class jerk and Trump the class “cool dude” – passing notes and whispering (how high school was THAT?!!!). The six players and 2/3 of the judging panel ended up making Ivanka Trump look like the only mature person on the entire show!
Jesse has been such a stable and savvy presence since the beginning so this sudden turn around was out of left field. All I can think is that a) he was VERY unhappy to be moved from his winning team to the Joan/Clint drama team, and b) there had to have been more bad blood between Jesse and Clint from when they were on the same team than what was shown because Jesse got very personal and derogatory towards Clint and for once, I give Clint credit for not responding aggressively. It was interesting to see Joan be the calming voice of reason!
I agree that Brande is smarter than people probably think and I cringed (but also laughed and rewound several times and laughed again) when she said “foregew”. By the looks of it, many in the boardroom also had to stifle guffaws. Despite my conspiracy theories, though, I don’t think she is fully aware of how Annie is setting her up for a big fall. I also didn’t see Brande delegating so much as Annie offering to take things on and Brande agreeing. If that’s how it really was, it was disingenuous for Annie to play like everything was laid on her shoulders, but that would also be completely consistent with how AD’s playing the game. As proof of my conspiracy theory, however, how about the quick witted Annie coming up with this lame-o response to Joan’s insult of poker players – “Poker players are the most awesome people in the world!” Could there BE a more high school response than that??!!
Melissa hobbling with torn tendons like a maniacle chicken with it’s head cut off was hysterical (but oh so staged). Somebody needs to do a sped up You Tube remix of her hobbling and ranting.
Great review Aryeh. My only quibble is that I would change the term “poor editing” to “very selective editing” ;-)
*POST AUTHOR*
I think you pegged their high school roles to a “T”, and, as sad as I am to admit it, I think Ivanka did come out looking like the only adult. Don’t worry; she’ll fix that next time!
Yes, there must be more between Clint and Jesse. It’s a shame that the producers decided to give us such an overdose of the women’s drama, and leave us in the dark on these two. Not that I’m a huge fan of all the craziness, but we were left thinking Jesse’s crazy, which I’m assuming isn’t the case.
(Speaking of which, I did get the latest SI in the mail yesterday: the ad is really bad. I don’t even understand why they bothered with the NY City skyline on pages two and three, because it looks like David Lee and his Right Guard sticks are completely separate from it. There’s no integration whatsoever, and way too much text.)
Anyway, I think Brande was a part of the larger picture of scripted drama, but yes, at this point Annie intends to rip her head off. No question. But without Melissa, maybe now we’ll get back to a show that hasn’t been completely prepared in advance. Maybe.
Cute idea for a hobbled Melissa video. I don’t have the know-how, but one never knows what might pop up….
“I would change the term “poor editing” to “very selective editing” ;-)”
Yes, you’re right. I think we have the same meaning, you just said it better than me. But so it goes on these shows, unfortunately. We see what they want us to. Maybe they could run special “behind the scenes” episodes all summer to keep our interest level up! It can’t be worse than what’s slated for the next few months on NBC!
I guess I saw a different show than you did because from the very beginning Annie the poker player has manipulated and played everybody against each other and that is exactly what she was doing with Brandee. Their team lost and Brandee was the team leader and is the one who should have been fired. Annie always wants it both ways.. anything that goes right is always because of her and anything that goes wrong is always because of the other person. And dumb Brandee just buys into the whole manipulation. What a joke.
Long after this show is over nobody will even remember Annie or Brandee, but Joan is always going to be the legendary icon that she is. She rocks! And it may not be politically correct to say so, but she is the best looking 76-year old woman I have ever seen. She’s the real winner here. She designed a line of “Boardroom Collection” for her global jewelry company and the producer of Celebrity Apprentice has given her her own show that begins airing next fall.
Say what you want, Joan and Melissa are ten times more educated than that pushy manipulative poker player and the dumb blonde who is famous for nothing but taking her clothes off.
If Joan doesn’t come back next week I doubt that I will watch because who the hell are these people who remain? Joan has made this show this season and is the only reason I have been watching it.
I hate to burst your bubble, Shane, but you do realize that Joan’s face is plastic, right? I actually am very disturbed watching her close-ups, since there is not much left that looks like a real person.
*POST AUTHOR*
Seriously. Type “Joan Rivers” into the Google search bar, and the first suggestion up is “Joan Rivers plastic surgery”. And it’s second for Melissa!
“Say what you want, Joan and Melissa are ten times more educated than that pushy manipulative poker player and the dumb blonde who is famous for nothing but taking her clothes off.”
Let’s see; Joan did a BA in English at Barnard, and Melissa has some sort of degree at Penn. On the other hand “that manipulative Poker player has a double major in English and Psychology from Columbia, has a Masters from Penn and was a month away from defending her thesis in Psycholinguistics at Penn when she married and moved to Montana with her husband. I’ll take Annie Duke’s education over all three any day of the week.
*POST AUTHOR*
I disagree. I haven’t liked Annie from the start, but I didn’t see her manipulating anybody in the beginning. Yes, she was pushy and aggressive, but she was also very determined to pursue a straight line to the finish, and I don’t think she imagined that she had any competition, therefore, no need to fight with anyone. Now, when we’re coming to the end, she realizes it’s a brawl. But that’s what everybody does on this show.
Everyone wants it both ways; what I was surprised at was how Annie actually positioned herself for credit and no blame. It sounds like a simple, common, thing, but its generally very transparent. That was the case for us watching it, because the show’s edited that way, but I actually think, had her performance been called into question, Trump would have fallen for the manipulation. It’s very unusual to be able to pull that off (in general).
I’m not going to get into an argument about Joan’s career, but I will say that, based on her weeks on The Apprentice, she seems like little more than a sideshow to me. And have you seen the jewelry collection and read the premise of her new show? Talk about trolling for garbage.
I’m not sure why their education matters here; this is about an ability to raise money. None of these people are qualified to run a company … they’re there to bring in dollars. In which case, the only barometer of their success is how large a network they have. Based on that, Melissa and Joan come in somewhere around major flops, while Annie and Brande shine.
The only reason it might seem as if Joan made the show is because she talks so much. Try thinking about what she’s actually successfully done in the course of the tasks … I hear crickets.
The meltdown certainly made for some fabulous television! The only thing that was odd about Joan, and maybe it was just because it was heat of the moment, but how on earth could she say that the charity stuff wasn’t important? That’s what the show is all about! None of these people are actually trying to get a job with Trump, they’re raising money for charity. And it will be interesting to see if Joan gets any Vegas bookings after her rant about “pokah playahs” being lower than white trash! But I’d love to see her come back and take down Annie and Brande and go up against Jesse or Clint in the end (with some help from Baby, or course). And, by the way, if you check on Hulu, Melissa DID go back to do a post-show interview.
*POST AUTHOR*
Thanks! I didn’t know that. I’ll check it out.