Burn Notice – The Ukraine is still weak

by Scott Tunstall

During season six of Seinfeld there was an episode titled “The Label Maker.” Throughout the proceedings, Kramer and Newman engage in a battle for world domination, which for those not in the know, is the game of “Risk.” As the episode concludes, the bumbling duo must finish their game while riding a subway train (don’t ask, it’s Seinfeld). Kramer, who is on the verge of winning, guffaws at Newman’s declaration that his armies in the Ukraine can hold back a massive attacking force. A nearby man, who coincidentally happens to be from the Ukraine, takes offense and smashes the “Risk” board. Go here to watch the scene. It rules.

What the hell does that have to do with this installment of Burn Notice? It was the last time I can recall the Ukraine being mentioned in one my favorite television shows. It also gave me an excuse to reference Seinfeld. Honestly, I could, and have, talk about Jerry and George and Elaine and Kramer and The Soup Nazi and Art Vandelay from sunup to sundown, but I choose not to for fear I will be beaten severely by friends, family and random bystanders. At any rate, Michael Westen had a run-in with some mean and nasty Ukrainians.

Mikey also made some new pals. Well, pal in the loosest definition of the word. Tom Strickler is sorta friendly, although the fact that he’s an “Agent for Spies” makes him a tad sleazy as well. Mike really doesn’t seem to like Mr. Strickler. Then again, Mike doesn’t like most people. It looks as if Tommy boy will be chillin’ in South Florida for a while, so maybe he and Mike can come to an understanding. Not bloody likely.

What about Fiona’s contact, Beck? He and Mike got off to a bumpy start while traipsing through the swamps in The Defiant Ones fashion, but they were BFF’s after Mike saved his ass from dying. Clearly, Mike can use all the friends he can get. I have a feeling we haven’t seen the last of Beck, who has some mad contacts of his own. I picked the wrong line of work. Importing/exporting is where it’s at.

Chechik, the mean, nasty Ukrainian, was never Mike’s buddy. I guess ten years in prison for war crimes can make a guy bitter. Hey, three hots and a cot sounds pretty okay to me. Sure, you might have to endure the soles of your feet being pummeled by a hard, wooden paddle once a week, but after a few whacks, the nerve endings go numb, so it’s not all bad.

The important thing is Mike proved Kramer’s theory to be correct. The Ukraine, and its pussy populace, is indeed weak. That crazy nut-job in the subway was way out of line trashing the “Risk” board. He, like Chechik, was just bitter because he knew Kramer was right. These Ukrainians are not just wimps, but also out of touch sore losers. No wonder Communism took a dump. Blame the Ukraine. Ask Mike. He’s a spy. I’m certain he would agree.