Dear Journal,
It’s only been one day since bringing the pregnant She-Schuester on board, and so far no dice. I’ve always been told that I need to wait for my plans to unfold, but I’ve never trusted things that fold or take a long time to happen, which is why I’ve never trusted origami. If anything, half of the members of Glee club seem, dare I say it, chirpy. I don’t like chirping either. There was once a nest of baby birds outside my kitchen window and I shot the whole group of them.
Comforted myself by watching tonight’s Gossip Girl, but even that didn’t make me feel better. I used to really admire that Blair Waldorf and even wrote to her several times asking her to join my Cheerios. I assume I never got a reply because she was overwhelmed by the honor. Unfortunately, however, she seems to have chosen to date Chuck, whose clothing is worse than that little Liberace impersonator Schuester’s added to his flock of miscreants. I can only hope that Waldorf, along with the rest of the world, comes to her senses, and fast.
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Dear Journal,
You know who I admire besides myself? Kanye West. Now there’s a man who tells it like it is. I don’t know who that Taylor Swift is, but I’m sure she deserved to be yelled at. All children do. I may also have a grudging respect for Will Schuester’s wife. If the man made only one good choice, it was marrying her. Her genius for discord is almost as great as my own. Tanaka has already made a disgusting display asking Eileen to marry him, and implosion cannot be far off.
A man asked me to marry him, once, so he could gain American citizenship. I said no, of course. If he wanted to be an American citizen he should have thought of that before he was born somewhere else. As if coming from Darfur was any excuse.
I can only hope this tension amongst the teachers translates to the spawn, and fast. Quinn’s back in the glee club, and the chirpiness continues to spread, which only makes me think of what would have happened had I not disposed of those birds outside. I’ve been advocating for years that unruly and inferior children, like those baby birds, should be disposed of, but there are too many soft-hearted whiners in the world who see that as inhumane. Do you think Darwin ever got accused of being inhumane? Allowing subpar children to reach adulthood only leads to people like Will Schuester, and we all know how that turns out.
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Dear Journal,
I once read a quote somewhere that I should never doubt a group of small, committed people and their power to change the world. I don’t know who said that, but they’re probably a socialist, and they should be ashamed of themselves. I have managed to affect change, and done it all on my own through my genius for social strife.
Today, Figgins came to me with a dilemma. It seems Schuester’s floozy of a wife has been giving the “children” of glee club decongestants to enhance their performance. I put the word “children” in quotes because I’m beginning to think that what they are is little acne and misery factories. I, naturally, offered to co-chair the glee club as a strong moral backbone. If you ask me, this was a long time in the making. Between the xerox debacle and that horrendous performance at the assembly, I’ve been saying they needed to be whipped into shape for ages, and I am not above literally whipping them into shape.
Now, to break them up from the inside and eliminate the threat once and for all. My one concern is the cripple. It’s my belief he should have been put down years ago. I don’t care what people say about Stephen Hawking. Who needs to know about black holes anyways?
After all this, I treated myself by taking the cup of change from the schizophrenic homeless man at the street corner and buying myself a protein shake as a celebration of victory. He needs to get a job, and I was really thirsty. This much brilliance is hard work.
Clacked by Julia Hass 
on Oct 08, 2009 @ 17:00 EST5EDT
That was eerily and scarily accurate. My compliments.