Those who can’t … critique!

O.K. I have decided I definitely need one of these “food critic” jobs. After seeing the three most “powerful critics in the World” on Masterchef, I am convinced I am up for the task. It doesn’t really seem like you to have to know much, except if you like the taste of something or not. Let me explain.

The challenge this time around is to catch and prepare a sculpin dish and present it not to the regular judges, but to three others. They are Tanya Steel, Jeffrey Steingarten, and Barbara Fairchild. These three have some pretty impressive credentials behind them, and years and years of experience writing about, tasting, and judging food. In fact, Jeffrey and Barbara started their jobs back in the “olden days” of the ’60s and ’70s. They worked their way up the ladder, and are now revered and feared by chefs everywhere.

Of course, I had no idea who they were. But the announcer and my Gordon and the other judges just kept bombarding us with how important they were, until even I was nervous. So I wondered. How will these terrifically important people judge these fish efforts? What will they say? What do they know about food that I don’t know? I became fascinated in discovering their secrets. And guess what I found out? Um … not much. Here’s some samples of their comments after tasting the contestant’s dishes:

Tanya (pictured): “One thing that’s good is that the curry powder is not overwhelming. Sometimes it can be overwhelming. And this was not.”

Jeffrey: “The eggplant is drenched in salt.”

Barbara: “Very tasty. I love the broth. It’s what’s giving it the flavor.”

Tanya: “I can’t really taste the fish because there’s so much garlic in my mouth.”

Barbara: “It does have a nice flavor.”

Tanya: “It needs more contrasting textures.”

Alright. I don’t know what I was expecting them to say. But really. This is it? I mean, you and I could do that! How did these people get these gigs? Sign me up! Yeesh.

In other news, Sharone is finally gone. I’m glad, because my eyes were getting super tired from rolling them. Sharone proved that bravado and conceit don’t always walk the walk. And did you notice how he told the “most intimidating critics in the country” his entire life story while serving them? My. I don’t think they really care that your son was born in January, and that you grew up in a broken home Dude.

So fare thee well. And hurray for Whitney! I’m staunchly behind this little firecracker. She’s not intimidated by any challenge or any judge. She is slow and steady, and I think this time — that will win the race.

But wait! Before I go, I hear you asking what it takes to be a CliqueClack TV critic. I mean, what do I know that you don’t? How come I am so special? Well. I could tell you. But then I’d have to kill you.

Clacked by Tara Shrodes
on Sep 09, 2010 @ 16:25 EST5EDT