I love funny TV quotes as much as the next guy … seven hells, I obviously enjoy them more than the next guy, and likely more than most people on the planet. This week, though, I ran into a bit that had me laughing out loud longer, and more loudly, than was reasonable. I share it here, though it won’t have the same effect. But when In Plain Sight‘s Mary Shannon said “keychains,” I absolutely lost it.
“Delia’s never late. She starts Monday night football Sunday night.” – Stan
“So, Nora, tough first day?” – Marshall (to Mary’s daughter)
“She doesn’t understand. And, if she did, she couldn’t reply. You know why? She’s a baby” – Mary
“You know what I need? A stay-at-home wife. Gay marriage. That’s not legal yet?” — Mary
“There’s always a state-wide referendum.” — Marshall
“You see what I see?” – Marshall (on a family of bunnies)
“Yup. Keychains. Dozens and dozens of keychains.” – Mary
“Don’t talk to me like I’m crazy. I’M NOT CRAZY!” – Beth, witness of the week
Happy Endings (Review)
“What Dave doesn’t realize when he’s running his mouth is snitches get stitches.” — Alex
“Jane running the building means I’m First Gentleman. People stand a little taller when I get in the elevator and Mr. Olson gives me a ham every month to maintain his plush parking spot. Get ready America because there are two black men in office up in here.” — Brad
“Curls for the girls, thighs for the guys, and bis for the bis.” — Derek
“The point is you only thought he was straight because he’s a bully, but us gays can be anything we want, son. Lawyers, congressmen, murderers, dentists.” — Max
“Life coaches for rich people’s pets. It’s a thing. Get into it.” — Derek
“Yeah, he’s definitely a jerk … like a super hot dangerous jerk. … I was never into him before but something changed for me this morning. I love bad boys like Will Smith in the movie Bad Boys or even Martin Lawrence in Big Momma’s House.” — Max
“Or Tea Leoni in Bad Boys. What? I like my bad boys with vaginas.” — Brad
“So, was Patrick Henry really gay?” — Dave
“Oh yeah, a lot of the forefathers were gay. You should watch the gay History Channel.” — Max
“That’s a thing?” — Dave
“Yeah, it’s called Bravo.” — Derek
Up All Night
“That sign says ‘talent.’ Maybe there’s a sign over the other side of the lot that says ‘lucky to be on television.’ You should park there.” — Sharon Osbourne
“Why don’t I just go ahead and park a double-decker bus up your ass?” — Ava
“My family loves you and would love to take a picture.” — Ava
“Would they? Because just this morning I was a limey old rooster head. Now you want me to meet the family and give them the whole ‘chip-cheerio’ and prance around like the old Artful Dodger for ‘ya. Or we could give them the old Mr. Bean. … Let me tell you something Mrs., it would take for the Thames to freeze over in July before I’d do anything for you.” — Sharon Osbourne
“Don’t be so dramatic. You know who you sound like? J.K. Rowling. I mean God bless her success but you write a story on 12 pages of strong cardstock. That is magic.” — Henry Winkler
“So, I’m walking along the street and I see this little Afro-American boy stepping in other people’s footsteps in the snow and a spiritual door opened for me and I found my voice. The voice of a young black boy.” — Henry Winkler
“What do you call women who are tough and ambitious?” – Liz
“Leslie or Courtney?” – Hazel
“Are you busy or are you missing your life choices?” – Kenneth (to Liz)
“We’re in a show within a show. My real name is Tracy Morgan!” — Tracy (going crazy)
“Did you see page six today? Those are my toes he’s sucking on. And he did not want to.” — Hazel
“Jenna, there are multiple types of intelligence: practical, emotional … And there’s actual intelligence …” – Jack
“Throw your resume away on the fourth floor and we’ll be in touch.” — Janitor (to Kenneth)
“Bathing suit areas get a workout.” – Liz’s writer’s notes portraying sex
“Liz, am I going too big on the accent?” — Cynthia
“No, that’s how they sound to me.” — Liz
“You’ve got amazing skin.” – Baldwin (sorry, Lance)
“I’m married to a woman” — Cynthia
“I’ve got four inches of steel that might change your mind” –Lance
“Oh you’re still here.” – Diana
“That’s what they all say.” – Liz (as … The Blocker!)
“1 in 4 Americans has an STD.” – Liz (as … The Blocker!)
“Sometimes to prevent monkey business, we must create it … The Blocker!” – Liz (as … The Blocker!)
“I would never use that much math when complimenting a woman. Their brains can’t handle it.” – Jack
“How is taking your mother-in-law out on a date acting like you?” – Lance (to Jack)
“She’s a real boinker. She boinks like a dog … I’m not a writer.” — Lance
Survivor (Review)
“Tell Sabrina I said thanks for the souvenir.” — Colton to his tribe before he was medically evacuated off the island … with the immunity idol Sabrina gave him
Pretty Little Liars (Review)
“I know how Jenna Marshall went blind, and so did Garrett. If he killed Alison, it’s because he thought she deserved it.” — Melissa
“A is all-knowing, alright? It’s like a genius on steroids.” — Hannah
“They’re all going to be at the party. You know what you need to do.” — Jenna, to A/Mona (presumably)
How I Met Your Mother (Review)
“Wait, are they chanting ‘Bro?’” – Ted
“I got some local monks to record this. Yeah, I’ve got a monk guy. Cool right?” – Barney
“It actually is, yeah.” – Ted
“I’ll burn it for ya, just remind me after the Broath.” – Barney
“Repeat after me … I, Ted EVELYN Mosby …” – Barney
“I, Ted Why-Did-I-Ever-Tell-You-My-Middle-Name Mosby … ” – Ted
“ … do solemnly swear not to tell our friends that Quinn is a stripper.” – Barney
“… do solemnly swear not to tell our friends that Quinn is a stripper … who duped you out of lots of money.” – Ted
“You’re only supposed to repeat after me!” – Barney
“You’re only supposed to repeat after me!” – Ted
“Stop it!” – Barney
“Stop it!” – Ted
“SILENCE!” – Barney
“Lily, you’re snooping through her stuff?” – Marshall
“No, it’s like the first thing you see … when you jimmy open the desk drawer with the letter opener her grandfather left her, according to her diary.” – Lily
“I was once with a dude who couldn’t even fantasize about a threeway. He was all, ‘Oh, she’s your best friend!’” – Lily
“What now?” – Robin
“ … and then he banged like a hundred chicks, and invented a salad. True story.” – Barney, describing Caesar’s assassination attempt, Broman Style
“Fine, I’ll fill her in. And I’m so angry, I am not even going make a joke about ‘filling her in.’ Which I did last night, three times last night. Self-Five!” – Barney
Castle (Review)
“Did you see that? She acted like I didn’t even exist.” – Ryan
“You don’t; not since you put that ring on your finger. Get used to be invisible to single women.” – Esposito
“I’d be off the show! I’d be Brian Dunkleman.” – Brad
“Who’s Brian Dunkleman?” – Beckett
“Exactly.” – Brad
“Yeah, but separated-twin stories never end happily … except in the Parent Trap.” – Castle
“So?” — Esposito
“So, wear the ring. I want to see if women still flirt with you and ignore me.” – Ryan
“So you didn’t want Castle to come because …” – Esposito
“… all the women would flirt with him.” – Esposito and Ryan
“How can I tell my wife that I’m not wearing my wedding ring because I lent it to Esposito as an experiment to see if strippers would flirt with me?” – Ryan
The Voice (Review)
“I (expletive deleted) loved it. That was entertainment.” — Christina critiquing probably the worst performance on The Voice ever. Ever. EVER. (RE: Erin Martin and The Shields Brothers)
“It was wonderfully strange, bizarre, peculiar, brilliant, genius and all those other colorful things, you know?” — Cee Lo, stumbling while trying (and failing miserably) to come up with any semblance of words that would adequately define what was just witnessed on stage by Erin Martin and The Shields Brothers
New Girl (Review)
“He’s the 3rd largest donor in the city.” — Tanya
“We take his money and then what? We have to answer to him? So you’re asking me to give up my integrity?” — Jess
“That’s what I’m telling you to do, yes. We need his money.” — Tanya
“So he pulls his donation. You know what? I’ll raise the money myself. I’ll get a rag-tag group of kids together: A lost soul … an orphan … a Jewish kid with a keyboard … a little slut who can dance … and one fatso. And I’ll choreograph some dances, make a show.” — Jess
“You already did that, Jess. It’s called the spring musical … and it literally brought in $60.00 …” — Tanya
“Look … there’s Mesopotamia.” — Winston using “Mesopotamia” in a sentence
“Crispin Glover was not the first person to die in the Revolutionary War …” — Schmidt to Winston
“When I was your age I had a skinny ponytail and I think I was living off of selling my own blood.” — Russell
“So what happened? You just woke up one day and had all this?” — Nick
“I realized I wanted to grow up, that’s what happened.” — Russell
Smash (Review)
“The child thing never ceases to perplex me.” — Derek
“That’s because you’re a reptile.” — Tom
“Did I say something? That’s the least offensive thing I’ve said in days.” — Derek
The Amazing Race (Review)
“Are you able to style a beard?” — Brendon “No, I don’t even know what a beard is.” — Rachel
“We can’t hike that. Are you guys high?” — Vanessa’s reaction to Ralph and another team wanting to walk to the top of a mountain when there was a horse and carriage right next to them (and they walked!)
“Holy Christmas, there’s 77 consonants in that.” — Art when seeing the clue telling them to search for the Bundesleistungszentrum für Eishockey und Curling
Bob’s Burgers (Review)
“Channel 6 News! They’ll finger anything with a pulse.” — Gene
“I’m pretty sure their slogan is ‘their finger’s ON the pulse,’ Gene” — Bob
“No.” — Gene
“That can’t be right.” — Bob
“It’s right” — Gene
“Ooooo. SWAT team’s here. Intense.” — Linda
“That guy’s important. You can tell by the way he points.” — Tina
“He’s ‘fingering’ right at us.” — Gene
“Yeah … I’m sorry about the pizzas. Uhm … what do you want instead. Chinese?” — Sgt. Bosco
“Burgers.” — Bob
“Mexican?” — Sgt. Bosco
“This is a burger place. ” — Bob
“What about hot pockets?” — Louise
“Burgers are right here.” — Bob
“Or non-fat frozen yogurt?” — Tina
“We’re in a restaurant … my restaurant.” — Bob
“Ooooooooooo … how ’bout some sort of a Malaysian cuisine?” — Gene
“Burgers.” — Bob
“How ’bout … uuuuhhhhh … burgers? Okay, burgers it is. ” — Sgt. Bosco
“Thank you! Uh, fries? Do they want fries?” — Bob
“Remember, Bob: He’s hot, you stay cool. Hot. Cool. What are you?” — Sgt Bosco
“Um … the, the guy with the hamburgers.” — Bob
“No, no. no. What are you? Hot or cool?” — Sgt. Bosco
“Cool, oh … cool.” –Bob
“Hey, Bob. Why don’t you go negotiate the release of some tomatoes from the walk-in …” — Linda
“It’s been two weeks, Lin … you can stop with the hostage jokes.” – Bob
Dan Le Batard is Highly Questionable
“I just learned the same time you did that my father’s a drug smuggler.” — Dan to the audience after his father gets way too enthusiastic about a NetGeo special on cocaine submarines
Clacked by Ivey West 
on Mar 25, 2012 @ 13:12 EST5EDT
