Spurned love and pesky (deadly!) ants courtesy of The Naked Jungle

It’s your basic love story:

Lonely boy orders mail order bride …
Lonely boy marries mail order bride by proxy …
Lonely boy finally meets mail order bride for the first time …

Wait a minute. Something’s out of joint here. Let’s try this again …

Better yet … you know what? Forget it. There’s no way I’m going to be able to preface this as your basic love story and get it to make sense. I’ll attempt a completely different tact.

Sometimes? You just need ants. Because, when you think about it, ants will keep you grounded in a given situation. Here … let me give you a couple examples:

• Bad day at the office? It could always be worse — just add ants.
• Dinner didn’t turn out the way you planned? You find out a swarm of ants have invaded it and, suddenly, it’s not so bad after all.
• Picnic in the park or at the beach? Ants’ll ruin those in a heartbeat.
• Ever been on your lawn barefoot, minding your own business watering away and daydreaming of that evening’s movie and popcorn when all of a sudden you realize you’re standing on an anthill? Kind of puts that idyllic daydream of yours on hold right quick. Because, instantly, you’re hosing off hundreds of stinging pests from your feet and ankles.

See what I mean?

And that’s what we have here in The Naked Jungle: Ants.

Well … amour and ants.

But let’s be completely honest here — there’s no love in the first half of this film. And in the first two thirds? There are exactly zero, zilch, zippo ants. Still, quite a few set-ups and tidbits lead to what we paid cold, hard cash to get in this film. So let’s get to gettin’ and see where the love and the ants come into play.

Christopher Leiningen (a young, suave-looking Charlton Heston, though we don’t discover Leiningen’s first name until well into the second half of the film) is a self-made man and the creator/owner of a chocolate plantation somewhere in the South American jungle. For almost half his life, he’s realized his dreams of building a home and business with his own two hands from the ground up. For 15 years, this is the life he’s led, a hard and lonely one to be sure, but with no one to answer to but himself. And he’s been content with that for some time. But now? Leiningen’s got a bee in his bonnet (using “he’s got ants in his pants” seemed a little predictable) and he’s come to the conclusion he wants companionship of the female persuasion. So, shopping the mail order circuit, he’s arranged a marriage through his brother who resides in New Orleans. Along comes Joanna (Eleanor Parker), the pick of the litter (according to her) who bested the other 50 applicants (again, according to her) by answering Leiningen’s call so to speak. (She filched the application process and nixed all the applicants by deciding she was the best woman for the job. That’s confidence.)

From the get go, we find out her ideas, motivation and wherewithal, but Leiningen is a difficult nut to crack. Better yet, he’s a real asshole. (Managing to contain all those hormones and remain a virgin all your life will do that to you, I imagine.) When he discovers Joanna was previously married, it’s kaputski for her. Leiningen isn’t into second hand store merchandise.

And that’s where the meat of the story in The Naked Jungle really begins … with Joanna’s ouster. The adventure kicks into gear with getting her the heck out of Dodge, no easy task with the discovery of the marabunta (legions of army ants) on the march toward them … and toward Leiningen’s home and plantation. Joanna’s return to New Orleans is put on hold while Leiningen prepares to take a stand against the oncoming threat. Only then do we see Leiningen come ’round and see what his bride has to offer: A symmetry with him he never suspected.

While there are some interesting elements in this practically 60-year-old film (the character of Leiningen being the most intriguing, in many ways classic Heston) and the film itself rather interesting in its own way, you’d think there would be a bit more “cheese” or fantastical elements being it is a George Pal (The Time Machine, The Wonderful World of the Brothers Grimm, 7 Faces of Dr. Lao) production. But it’s not. It’s pretty straight-laced with the characterizations running the show through the majority of the 95 minutes of film. The coming of the ants and the battle with them are rather standard fare. If you haven’t seen the film, don’t expect the usual from George Pal — instead embrace and appreciate what Parker and Heston offer.

The quality of the print is first-rate, crisp and clear. (A bit of a gripe: The sound oscillates from normal to resounding and annoying when the dramatic music swells come at you.) But the real downside to The Naked Jungle? The fact there’s nary an extra on the disc. No commentary, no stills, no test footage or “lost” footage, no biographies or production notes … not even the hint of a trailer. That’s the real shame of it. Still, if you’re a Heston (or Parker or Pal) fan, this is a worthy addition to your collection … and an interesting character study of the Heston mythos.

The Naked Jungle was generously provided to CliqueClack by the Warner Archive Collection for review.