I was all set to break down my Tuesday night FOX lineup when I realized something: as sparse as FOX primetime lineups already are (only two hours of programming a night versus three on the other major networks), FOX has been so crappy for so long that on four of the five nights I have yet to dissect, I can find all of only three or so shows that I’d even be mildly interested in seeing again.
So instead of slapping together separate mini-posts, I figured it served us all better if I just put together my weakest FOX dreams (an oxymoron if I ever heard one) in one fell swoop. So lets take a swift nosedive right into FOX’s Monday, Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday nights. We’ll leave Thursday for another time.
MONDAY
8:00-9:00 Not for me, friends. Melrose Place may have been a success, but I was (and still am) far from the target audience. Time of Your Life followed Sarah (Jennifer Love Hewitt) from Party of Five to NY, and then jumped off the top of a really tall building. Boston Public piques my interest a bit now, but I never saw it when it aired. North Shore probably would have done better on today’s CW, and we should all be thankful that Canterbury’s Law tanked — it freed up Julianna Margulies for The Good Wife. Drive had … Drive was … the thing with … there was also Drive. Which wasn’t necessarily any worse than the reality offerings here: Joe Millionaire 2 (they did this twice?), Trading Spouses (sounds cool until you realize this wasn’t about swinging), Who’s Your Daddy? (was this one about swinging?), Nanny 911, Skating with Celebrities (great idea!), and Kitchen Confidential (which maniacal chef was this?). Now here’s where I piss everyone off. Arrested Development sucked (I said it), Prison Break didn’t make any sense to me, the Terminator should have died well before The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Bones is boring, and House is not all that. Discuss while I take a Free Play.
9:00-10:00 Party of Five was another show that just never clicked for me. Partners’ failure was Jon Cryer’s blessing, while Prison Break, Terminator, and House did no better for me here. 24 was good the first time, but in its eighth iteration it’s just too much already. And was Ally McBeal seriously a show best known for a dancing baby? There’ve been plenty of reality series residing here, including Joe Millionaire (the original!), Married by America, Mr. Personality, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance, Forever Eden, The Swan, and The Complex: Malibu. Vanished went by too soon to be comprehended, New Amsterdam was too vampire-ish for me, and Lie to Me … well, we’ve been there already. And I have Justice locked in on Wednesdays. I could easily pass at this hour too, but I’m one of the few people that K-Ville actually spoke to. Like I’ve said before, Anthony Anderson had me at all of his ad-libbed movie moments with Tom Arnold.
TUESDAY
8:00-8:30 There hasn’t been much on at this hour through the years besides for American Idol. There’s some more Bones and House to brush aside, and So You Think You Can Dance and American Juniors can join the others in reality TV hell. Ally was an original idea, comprised of un-aired scenes of a top-rated show, but considering the fact that I didn’t like Ally McBeal in the first place…. I watched The Rebel Billionaire: Branson’s Quest for the Best, but once is enough. King of the Hill never caught my eye, and That ’70s Show is culpable for saddling us with Ashton Kutcher, so there’s that. But back in 1993, we were lucky enough to be treated to the tail end of Roc, a great story starring a great actor. I welcome it back here with open arms.
8:30-9:00 I’m not sure it’s even worth getting into this. With shows like Bakersfield P.D., Costello, Titus, Undeclared, and Andy Richter Controls the Universe, the only critical success on offer here was That ’70s Show. And we all know what that show did. Free Play for me.
9:00-10:00 Let’s see what we’ve covered already: Party of Five, 24, and House are all non-starters, while reality-fests America’s Most Wanted, Guinness World Records Primetime, The Next Great Champ, and Hell’s Kitchen are easy to overlook. And I’m no science fiction person, so Fringe and Dark Angel were never for me. Which leaves me with Standoff. To be honest, I don’t know that I’d ever embrace this show long-term, but I watched it while it was on, and it doesn’t stand a chance in the next round anyway. For now, Standoff it is.
FRIDAY
In a word, nothing. Not surprising, but nothing. We’ve already established my position on America’s Most Wanted, Dark Angel, Boston Public, The Bernie Mac Show (previously), Nanny 911, Standoff, Terminator, Prison Break, and Malcolm in the Middle (on my Sundays). I could get into a whole bunch of shows I’ve never heard of, but instead I’ll stick to the ones I can (somewhat) comment on: The X-Files , Millennium, Dollhouse, M.A.N.T.I.S., Sliders, and Firefly all fall into that nasty science fiction category, and The Wedding Bells, Nashville, Don’t Forget the Lyrics!, World’s Craziest Videos, World’s Wildest Police Videos, Totally Outrageous Behavior, The Next Great American Band, and Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader? all fall into the slightly more unappealing reality genre. You want to talk crappy comedy? Let’s not forget ‘Til Death, The Return of Jezebel James, and Brothers all aired on Friday night. Need I say more?
SATURDAY
Not much better here, which is a nice way of saying a whole lot of more nothing. COPS, Totally Hidden Video, America’s Most Wanted.… And I won’t even get into the no-namers. Now granted both Martin and Married… with Children spent some time here, but I just can’t. This night is dead.
Well, we made it! There’s most of the rest of my FOX week for your perusing pleasure. What would you pick to salvage that I let die on the vine?
Clacked by Aryeh S.
on Feb 04, 2010 @ 12:00 EST5EDT
I’ll preface my post with saying I haven’t seen any of your three choices.
I’m going to have to go with Terminator and House on Monday. Besides a couple episodes in mid season 2, TSCC consistently put out quality episodes with really good action.
That 70’s Show was the only time I’ve liked Ashton Kutcher, besides the pilot episode of Punk’d when he made Justin Timberlake cry.
While I wouldn’t put them in any dream lineup, AMW and COPS were great channel surfing stops. AMW for the re-enactments, COPS for the drunk guys with jorts and beater tank tops.
*POST AUTHOR*
Going through it, I saw a ton of stuff that many people would gravitate towards, especially on Monday. But I can only follow my own tastes.
America’s Most Wanted scared me too much. ;)
A little more research might be in order, considering that you are dismissing Kitchen Confidential and The Wedding Belles as reality shows.
The Wedding Belles wasn’t anything spectacular, but it was scripted, and better than you are giving it credit for. And Kitchen Confidential, rather than being dismissed without a thought, belongs on the list of shows that got away. It was very funny, and had a great cast that included Bradley Cooper, Nicholas Brendon, Jamie King, John Cho, Frank Langella, and Owain Yeoman. You might want to give it a look.
*POST AUTHOR*
I stand corrected, and I actually had seen the pilot of The Wedding Belles. I think I mistakenly went with the names on those two. So I don’t know about Kitchen Confidential, but I did find The Wedding Belles to be really bad. Thanks for the correction though!
For me, the hit percentage on FOX shows probably exceeds that of any other network over the decades. Since they program less hours, it’s less than NBC in absolute terms, but FOX has always been more willing than the rest of the Big Four to air some very outré shows that appeal specifically to me.
And irrespective of its sci-fi underpinnings, TSCC was absolutely the most brilliant show I’ve watched in the last five years. Just stunning character studies—so much so that I sometimes enjoyed the episodes without action more than those with.
*POST AUTHOR*
Interesting. I think for me it’s probably been NBC, because it’s history is long on iconic comedies, but with the last season or two CBS may have sprinted past NBC in terms of numbers of shows I enjoy.
Unfortunately, saying that Arrested Development sucked (and that House isn’t good) undermines everything you said, and indeed, will ever say. Good day, sir.
*POST AUTHOR*
I feel comfortable, having based both opinions on actual first-hand experiences. I found House to be neither here nor there the few episodes I’ve seen, and after having watched ALL of Arrested Development I can definitely have a very strong opinion one way or the other. We just don’t agree.
*walks away with head down, sad Charlie Brown music playing*
LOL… Perfect!
i second that!