“We’re friends, Annie. Remember? We played Dungeons and Dragons together.” — Neil
“That was a game … THIS IS PAINTBALL.” — Annie
“Jeff wants to see you.” — Abed
“Yeah? And I want pants. A lot of people want a lot of things.” — Annie
“What do you want, Jeff?” — Annie
“Yikes. Well, what do we all want? Ammo. How much you got left?” — Jeff
“$100,000 worth.” — Annie
“Yeah, we’re running low, too.” — Abed
“Shut up, Abed.” — Jeff
“Does that guy even go to this school? He’s really good looking. Like network TV good looking.” — Abed on Josh Holloway’s Black Rider
“OK, Black Rider … now let’s see who’s attractive.” — Jeff
“Dude, you have a problem.” — Troy
“Leslie has a lot of qualities I find horrifying. But the worst one by far is how thoughtful she can be.” – Ron
“The only thing I’m guilty of is loving Pawnee. And punching Lindsey in the face. And shoving a coffee filter down her pants. But, in my defense, I believe assault should be legal if a person is a jerk.” – Leslie
“Can I borrow a cup of sugar? I’m trying to get a hummingbird to drink out of my penis.” – Tracy
“Sounds like you could a little R and R — Rum and Ritalin.” – Dr. Spaceman
“I don’t like to swear, sir, but no thank you!” – Kenneth
“God, are you punishing me because my hair is better than yours?” – Jack
“You, my friend, are a gaycist.” — Max, to Brad
“What?” — Brad
“You think that all gays are the same. You think just because Franklin and I are both friends of Elton, we’re just gonna pack it up, move to Vermont and start selling antiques?” — Max
“My name is Yoni. Which in Hebrew is short for ‘God’s gift.’ Unfortunately, in Sanskrit, it means ‘female genitals.’” — Yoni, the krav maga instructor
“I had to be completely still, which is why I was lying on the couch, and I had to take off my pants, because the mouse could hear my … jeans.” — Dave, to Alex, explaining his behavior when she walked in on him at the apartment
“Toby’s here. Why is he still dressed like that?” — Penny, confused by her date’s mismatched outfit on a non-laundry day
“Oh my god. You know what he is, right? … He’s a hipster, Penny. All those things you like, he likes them ironically!” — Max
“Meet my friends, Ione and Atticus. She has a blog about zines and he won the mustache contest three years in a row.” — Toby, introducing fake hipster Penny to his friends
“I don’t care.” — Atticus
“See that guy? [Gestures to guitar player] He’s right-handed; he refuses to play with his dominant hand. It’s too commercial.” — Toby
“He’s huge in the abandoned gas station circuit.” — Ione
“What do you think?” — Atticus, to Penny
“Oh, uh … over it.” — Penny
“Totally, super over it.” — the hipsters
“Hey everybody! Look over there! Sofia Coppola‘s playing badminton with Jason Schwartzman!” — Max, distracting the hipsters from the fact that Dave’s food truck has no food
“I don’t see you as Chris Brown or Jordin Sparks.” – Randy Jackson to Jacob Lusk, post-hideous-performance of “No Air”
“Up to now you’ve been like a Puritan, you know? But I swear to God … I saw you dance with the devil tonight.” – Steven Tyler to Scott McCreery commenting on his “Gone”
“I don’t see you as Chris Brown or Jordin Sparks.” – Randy Jackson to Jacob Lusk, post-hideous-performance of “No Air”
“Up to now you’ve been like a Puritan, you know? But I swear to God … I saw you dance with the devil tonight.” – Steven Tyler to Scott McCreery commenting on his “Gone”
“We fired him when we caught him clubbing a seal in his office, with an even cuter seal.” – Hobbs
“Look Lily, I think this girl wants our seat. Should we leave, or stay here Lionel Ritchie Style: ‘All Night Long?’” – Robin
“Excuse me waitress, I’ll have a mojito, [to the annoying seat girl] and you’ll have-a no seat, ho.” – Lily
“Look I can handle you trying to prevent me from fulfilling a lifelong dream … That’s called being in a relationship.” – Ted
“You know, I was just thinking, how much I wanted a relationship with no sex yet where I still have to deal with your mother.” – House to Cuddy when she tells him her mother may be suing the hospital
“Medicinal. I’m expecting a shooting pain in my ass.” – House to Cuddy as he popped Vicodin
“The Matterhorn was named after the Disneyland ride. Pretty mind-boggling to me.” — Zev, referring to the large, Swiss mountain ahead of him
“Had I known he had our clue, I would have just got the clue and left his ass down there.” — Jen after learning her rescue subject was holding their next clue
“Please Bones, I tell you what. When you get a good luck at that pudgy little baby face, your hormones are going to go wacko. And before you know … BANG! Bumba Bones!” – Booth
“That’s not how it happens, Booth.” – Bones
“I think that’s how it works [smiling]” – Booth
“And who are you?” – Meachum
“Dr. Brennan is the best forensic anthropologist in the country.” – Caroline
“World.” – Bones
“I know how it feels not to trust anyone. People lie … but bones always tell the truth.” – Bones
“OK … Baby! Oh … OK … BABY! OK … OK … BABY!” – Hodgins
“According to the birthing class, that is so not how you’re supposed to react right now.” – Angela
“Yeah, but space is really, really big.” – Eli
“This room needs more chairs.” – Camile
“Here, please, go ahead [offers her the Captain’s chair].” – Young
“No, no, no … that’s yours.” – Camile
“What am I, Captain Kirk? I need to stretch my legs anyways.” – Young
“Well, fortunately Eli has a plan. It is absolute insanity, and it’s the only choice we’ve got.” – Rush
“I’m telling you right now we can’t survive something like that.” – Volker
“And I never said we would.” – Eli
“Well then I think it is a very bad plan.” – Volker
“What kind of city doesn’t have a gun shop?” – Greer
“Maybe they’re Canadian.” – Volker
Clacked by Keith McDuffee 
on May 09, 2011 @ 10:00 EST5EDT
lol i’m seriously tired of laughing at Happy Endings quotes yet cringing when watching the actual show