What a year it’s been! There have been a few movies I’ve seen this year, so I feel pretty confident making large, subjective claims about society as a whole based on them. Or you know, be vaguely amusing instead. Before I get to the “Big Awards” (like most adorable or most precocious), here is a little spreading of the love (and spite).

Movie Most Devoid of Purpose, Meaning, Value, or even a Point: This Means War
Setting aside the not insignificant moral issues with this stupid movie, let’s admit that even Captain Kirk, Bane, and Chelsea Handler can screw up a movie and have a terrible ending. Bad romantic comedy + Bad spy movie = Bad movie.

Worst Exploitation of a Minority Group: Red Tails
Best Exploitation of a Minority Group: It’s a tie! Beasts of the Southern Wild and Django Unchained

Brutal honesty and piercing insight? Beauty and violence balanced with humanity? Sure, more please. George Lucas complaining about racism in Hollywood after releasing a shoddy overly CGIed movie about legitimate historical heroes? Nope.

Worst Movie about Snow White: It’s a tie! Snow White and the Hunstman and Mirror, Mirror
It was a weird coincidence that two mediocre movies about Snow White came out the same year. One was a schlocky, maudlin mess with a lot of bright colors. The other was a dry, bizarre mess with a lot of dark colors. But at least Charlize Theron was great.

Loudest Movie without Substance: Battleship
Loudest Movie with Substance: Prometheus

Oh, Battleship. I’d be lying if I said I expected anything better. Prometheus was bit out of control, but it was not terrible by any stretch.

Award for Failure to Waste Robert De Niro: It’s a tie! Being Flynn and Silver Linings Playbook
You guys … Robert De Niro is actually a really good actor. I’d sort of forgotten.

Deepest Movie Nobody Saw: The Grey
I saw this movie nearly a year ago, and it still resonates with me. Perhaps it wasn’t “Taken 4: Wolf Puncher,” but it was an exploration of humanity and survival, with truly beautiful cinematography of the icy wastes of British Columbia (standing in for Alaska).

Worst Movie I Saw: The Watch

Worst Movie I Didn’t See: That’s My Boy
There’s a lot wrong with The Watch. It’s not really a movie, it’s not really a comedy, it’s not really fun at all. But at least there’s no incest.

Would’ve Made Movie a lot Better if Removed: Justin Timberlake in Trouble with the Curve
Would’ve Made Movie a lot Worse if Removed: Paul Rudd in Wanderlust (see also This is 40)
I hated everything with Justin Timberlake’s character in Trouble with the Curve. But Paul Rudd, though … he elevated Wanderlust to something better than itself, and he helped hold This is 40 together, although in that case, he had help (from everyone else).

Most Surprisingly Not as Good as Expected: Brave
Most Surprisingly Not as Bad as Expected: The Three Stooges
I was a bit sad that I thought Brave was just good, not great. And I was surprised that I didn’t totally hate The Three Stooges. It wasn’t terrible at all!

Most Kick-ass Female Character: It’s a tie! Merida from Brave, Katniss from The Hunger Games, Black Widow from The Avengers, MMA fighter Gina Carano’s character in Haywire
But I guess those are just exceptions, because nobody wants to see movies with kickass female characters, right? (sarcasm)

And as a bit up of a quick warm up, the rapid fire nerdiest movies of 2012!

Nerdiest Video Game Movie: Wreck-It Ralph

Nerdiest Comic Book Movie: The Avengers

Nerdiest Theater Movie: Les Misérables

Nerdiest Meta Movie: The Cabin in the Woods

Nerdiest Nerdy Movie: The Hobbit

By the way, the nerdiest thing of all is being pedantic about nerdy things. That’s how I know my list is accurate. And now …

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