Quotation Marks – Ascots, belly buttons, and Crocs

This week’s column is a tribute to the new sitcoms network television has given us this season. Sure, we’ve still got some hour-longs in there (because you know I’m not going to let one of these posts go up with out some Glee love), but we’re mainly highlighting the the half hour comedies this time around.

Modern Family

“Why is she dressed like the Hamburglar?” — Mitchell, about his baby Lily

“I’ll tell you what’s weird. Our son is not weird. What’s weird is that her kid wears aftershave and dresses like a count.” — Claire, about Manny

“It’s not just the game. It’s the bands, and the drama and the pageantry.” — Mitchell
“Don’t forget about the team mascots.” — Cameron
“They wear ascots?” — Mitchell
“No, mascots, with an ‘m.’ That could have been very embarrassing.” — Cameron

“Claire likes to say you can be part of the problem or part of the solution. I happen to believe that you can be both.” — Phil

House

“He’s just agreeing with you because he wants to have sex with you. By the way, I agree with you too — especially in those pants.” — House to Cameron

“Can I tell you something? I wasn’t picking lint out of my belly button.”– House to Wilson

“You want to take this case because he’s another sad puppy. You should have been a vet.” — House to Cameron

“You do make me feel funny.” — House to Cuddy

“That’s not hate, it’s foreplay.” — intern to intern, about Cuddy and House

Community

“I think if you said ‘jump,’ he’d say ‘how high’. I think if you said ‘stop’ he’d say ‘Hammertime.'” — Dean Pelton

Parks and Recreation

“Mark, I am so sick of moving like a slug. I want to move like a cheetah. Or a slug driving a remote controlled car. Well, maybe something more plausible than that, but fast.” — Leslie

Greek

“Someone without a college degree shouldn’t be so choosy.” — Dale to Lana

“Hi. Um, I have a friend of mine I’d like to introduce you to; his name’s Jesus. And he pays much greater dividends than those dollar bills in your underpants.” — Dale to a stripper

“Jesus knows how to party; dude makes his own wine.” — Dale to a KTer

“You know, some people appreciate my sense of humor.” — Evan
“Some people appreciate Crocs.” — Ashleigh

Glee

“I will go to the animal shelter and get you a kitty cat. I will let you fall in love with that kitty cat. And then on some dark cold night, I’ll steal away into your home and punch you in the face.” — Sue to Will

“I can’t do this.” — Rachel
“Why? We’re a couple of good-lookin’ Jews. It’s natural.” — Puck
“I can’t give myself to someone who isn’t brave enough to sing a solo. If you don’t have the guts to do that, how are you gonna be able to deal with the ups and downs of loving an admittedly high maintenance girl like me?” — Rachel
“Are you questioning my badassness? Have you seen my guns?” — Puck

“Know what the worst part is? It’s not the burning in your eyes or how the slushee drips into your underpants. It’s the humiliation.” — Puck

The Middle

“So, this Olivia, is she here right now?”– Mike to Brick when Brick announced that he was dating someone

“Great advice Axl; now I’m married, and we have a baby!” — Brick

“I’m not even sure if Rainbow Bright is mine.” — Brick

“Nobody ever has a record of Sue.” — Frankie

The Office

“That could have gone one of two ways. But I never expected her to get upset.” — Michael about Pam

“I am your boss, and I may someday be your father.” — Michael to Pam

“Did you really think I would put my primary listening device in a wooden mallard? I’m not insane.” — Dwight, showing the camera his pen recorder

30 Rock

“After the elections I could have gotten any ambassadorship I wanted, even to the world’s gayest country — Ireland.” — Devon

“In three days the headlines will read, ‘Jack Donaghy saves GE, comma, marries your mom.'” — Jack

“A book hasn’t caused me this much trouble since Where’s Waldo went to that barber pole factory!” — Tracy

“This isn’t the auto industry, Pete. The auto industry was run by a bunch of out-of-touch white guys selling consumers a product they didn’t want. We’re GE damn it, and we’re going to make a giant, flimsy microwave!” — Jack

The Venture Bros

“I can cross ‘stab Hitler to death’ off my list of cool crap I thought I’d never do.” — Brock Samson

How I Met Your Mother

“OK, that’s it. [stands up on top of chair] Attention, Canada. I’m Barney, from America, and I’m here to fix your backward-ass country. Number one, get real money. [shows Canadian dollar bill] Don’t know what board game this came from, but it’s a [in French accent] joke. Number two, and this is a biggie, quit letting awesome chicks like Robin Scherbatsky get away because you know what, you don’t want her, I’m planting my flag in her, if you know what I mean — which you probably don’t — and getting her the hell out of here. You may now return to being pointless.” — Barney

Big Bang Theory

“Did that guy just say, ‘Revenge is a dish best served cold,’ in Klingon?” — Wil Wheaton
“I believe so.” — Stuart
“What is wrong with him?” — Wil
“Everyone has a different theory.” — Stuart

“I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dream, but I can’t defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his memaw. [plays his card] Enchanted Bunny.” — Sheldon
“NOOOO!!!!! Not Enchanted Bunny!” — Raj
“I call my memaw ‘Nana,’ and she going to be very happy to hear my small rock kills your Enchanted Bunny. Game over, Moon Pie.” — Wil
“I … I don’t understand. Your grandmother’s alive?” — Sheldon
“You catch on quick. Come on, Stewie, let’s get our prize money.” — Wil