Quotation Marks – This week on Animal Planet: Sharks, monkeys … and rats?

It’s not even “Sweeps” — more accurately referred to as the period of time on network television where ridiculously dumb plots live — but TV brought it hard this past week, with plenty to keep us laughing. I haven’t seen such a broad array of series worth quoting in many moons. Let the laughter begin.

24

“Let me explain myself. This agent, Renee Walker … I considered her to be my family. So take a long hard look into my eyes, and realize that I will have no problem taking out each member of yours before they even get home today unless I get the information I want.” – Jack Bauer

“Madame President, I don’t want revenge; I want justice!” – Jack
“And I want peace.” – President Taylor

30 Rock

“Tomorrow is the wine and cheese tasting, or as I like to call it: singles fart suppression.” – Liz, on her singles events

“You provide a point of view that is essential in keeping the diversity … guy from bothering us.” – Liz, to Toofer

“Liz, the adult dating world is like your haircut. Sometimes triangles occur.” – Jack

“In my defense, on every April 22, in honor of Richard Nixon’s death, I get drunk and make some unpopular decisions.” – Jack

American Idol

“… If I heard that on the radio, I would have turned it off in ten seconds.” – Simon Cowell, critiquing Aaron Kelly’s performance of “I Believe I Can Fly”

Bones

“You don’t get to be Deputy Director of the FBI by just dressing well and kissing ass … OK, yeah, that’s most of it but I’m probably right about the aquarium.” – Andrew

“Shark attacks are very rare. I mean look, sharks don’t even like to eat people.” – Booth
“That’s true … how did you know that?” – Brennan
“Shark Week. You know, where they do nothing but make you afraid of sharks.” – Booth
“Wait, they have a week set aside just for sharks?” – Brennan

“We’ll get [the angel fish] back to you, don’t worry.” – Booth
“I may or may not get them back to you.” – Bones

The Celebrity Apprentice

“I don’t like negotiating with people I can’t beat up.” – Wrestler Goldberg, on negotiating with the women’s team

Community

“Why do you have a monkey?” – Jeff
“Uh, it’s an animal that looks like a dude. Why don’t I have ten of them?” – Troy

“If God were edible, not that I’m Catholic, but if it was cool to eat God, he’d be a chicken finger.” – Troy

“Oh, and for your information, I don’t have an ego. My Facebook photo? Is a landscape.” – Jeff

Glee

“You’re disrespectful, bullying, sexist — and I hate to say it — misogynistic.” – Will
“I have no idea what that means.” – Finn
“When I pulled my hamstring I went to a misogynist.” – Brittany

“Just do what I do: never say no.” – Santana
“Oh, totally! What’s the worst that could happen? Oh, sorry Quinn.” – Brittany

“It’s gonna be Madge-ical … Madge-ical … You know, Madonna’s nickname?” – Kurt

“I’m so glad you came. I picked the Stephen Sondheim biography section for our clandestine meeting place because only he would be able to express my melancholia.” – Jesse

“My eyes? Are up here! I’m a person with feelings! Get out of my grill. I am a power woman and my growing feminism will cut you in half like a righteous blade of equality!” – Tina

“We’ve been treating the girls like crap. Not caring about their feelings, not listening. Objectifying … that’s the right word, right Mr. Shue?” – Finn
“That’s right.” – Shue
“Objectifying.” – Finn

How I Met Your Mother

“Kids … there was no guitar.” – Ted

“But the bright side? The pond in your basement is drowning some of the larger, slower rats. The rest of them? Well, they’re headed this way.” – Inspector

“Come on dude, your mom is a cougar.” – Barney
“Wait, I thought you said a cougar can’t be over 50.” – Robin
“OK, she’s a Mellencamp.” – Barney

The Office

“If it wasn’t for secretaries, I wouldn’t have my step-mother.” – Andy

“‘C’ is for suspension!” – Kevin

“Is that the program where all those puppets live in the barrio? I love that show.” – Dwight on Sesame Street

Party Down

“You know what’s actually boring? Fucking models in penthouses.” – Jackal Onassis
“Really? That’s boring?” – Henry
“Yep.” – Jackal Onassis
“That doesn’t sound boring to me.” – Henry
“Try doing it hundreds of times.” – Jackal Onassis
“STILL not boring.” – Henry

The Vampire Diaries

“Just because my DUI made my community service mandatory doesn’t mean I was any less committed.” – random contestant for Miss Mystic Falls during her interview

“Would you prefer me to be broody and tortured?” – Stefan when Elena mentions he’s in a good mood

“I’m not sad. I’m freaking hungry!” – Stefan to Amber, his victim

Saturday Night Live

“You can diagnose yourself for free on the Internet. One time I was feeling real weird. My face was hot, I was dizzy, I had slurred speech. So I typed my symptoms into WebMD, and it turns out I was only drunk.” — Margaret Davis