Quotation Marks – Guest stars are not all created equal

So true, right? Sometimes you get word that a big star is set to appear on one of your favorite shows, and by the end of the episode you’re wishing they’d just stayed home. Other times … well, let’s just say sometimes birds can fly higher than you’d ever imagined possible.

With seasons ending left and right, last week was awash in “big name” guests. Will Forte’s not even remotely famous (or funny), so his failings met my expectations, but who would have thought that Matt Damon could disappoint? Apparently not the brain trust over at 30 Rock (and he killed on Entourage, although as “himself”). And Kathy Bates has been a level three disaster all season long on The Office, so no surprise there. But despite a regrettable commercial and a questionable appearance on Saturday Night Live, Betty White managed to soar as only she can on The Middle. So I guess you never know who’s going to score.

30 Rock

“You can’t force your fate, you just have to let it wash over you, like a spray tan that won’t take because your skin is too oily.” – Liz

“The world is made by those who control their own destiny. It isn’t made by those who don’t do, it’s made by those who do do. Which is what made me the man I am — I do do.” – Jack

“Call me old-fashioned, but when a girl dates a straight man who impersonates her for mostly straight audiences, she has certain expectations. Fidelity, Paul. It’s not just the name of a bank that sued me.” – Jenna

Bones

“Did you find more remains?” – Bones
“Not exactly.” – Booth
“We did, however, find 36 waffle irons. No syrup, though, so what’s the point?” – Hodgins

“Are you really leaving the Jeffersonian?” – Cam
“Yes. For a year. I can provide you with a list of forensic anthropologists that can do this job.” – Brennan
“No, Dr. Brennan, you can provide me with a list of forensic anthropologists.” – Cam

“You don’t think that this success might make them change their minds.” – Sweets
“You know what? You’re a nice kid. But today is a nice day for you to grow the hell up.” – Caroline

“I’ve really enjoyed working for you Dr. Brennan.” – Cam
“In fact, Dr. Saroyan, I worked for you.” – Brennan
“We both know better.” – Cam

The Celebrity Apprentice

“This is my boardroom; it’s not a locker room.” – Trump to Maria, right before he fired her

Community

“I will find a loophole … then I’ll kill you.” – Senor Chang

“I can’t believe nobody’s taking this cookie!” – Troy, picking up an entire cookie cake

“Oh, and for your information, there was an episode of Happy Days where a guy literally jumped over a shark, and it was the best one.” – Troy

Glee

“Nine years later I woke on a urine-stained mattress in the West Lima crack district. Then, something amazing happened; I met Jesus. He was my Honduran social worker.” – Bryan Ryan

“It looks like you. I think you’re in fifth position.” – Jesse, on a sonogram of Rachel

“Sue, have you ever heard of the term ‘anger sex'”? – Bryan Ryan
“Only kind I know.” – Sue

How I Met Your Mother

“Exactly, that’s the problem.” – Ted
“Her butt?” – Barney
“What is it, too much?” – Marshal
“Too little?” – Lily
“Or is it an issue of access?” – Robin

“Kim Jong-Il said it was his second favorite movie of all time. Right behind a movie of him riding a horse in slow motion in a field of tulips.” – Robin

“This is outrageous … who the kiss are you?” – Barney

The Middle

“You calling my son a cheater?” – Mike to Axl’s teacher, after being told that Axl scored high on an aptitude test

“Wait; you sound mad. Your tone isn’t really matching the words you’re saying.” – Axl, to Mike and Frankie

“You think you can make it out in the real world without cursive? You can’t.” – Mrs. Nethercott to Brick

“This one’s a little sticky.” – Mrs. Nethercott
“Can you prove it wasn’t like that when I checked it out?” – Brick

The Office

“Sometimes I run. I’m a runner.” – Kevin

“Are you referring to alchemy?” – Dwight, on Jo asking him if he’s growing his money

“Write your own damn novel.” – Toby, on Jo’s suggestions about his novel

The Pacific

“What do we do now?… What an idiot.” – Snafu

“I thought that. Every guy back home has thought that. You’ve just got to pull yourself out of bed in the morning and get on with your day. You do that enough times in a row, and you forget some things … for a while anyways.” – Sidney Phillips