The original Desperate Housewives

I’m a huge fan of classic TV sitcoms, having grown up on a steady diet of those black and white treasures. I’ve also been a fan of Desperate Housewives since its debut seven years ago.  I noticed something right from the start when I got my first look at Wisteria Lane … some of those houses seemed strangely familiar. Turns out, the show is filmed on the Universal backlot on what is known as Colonial Street, but over the years this road has gone by many names including Pine Street and Mockingbird Lane.  Yes, the Cleavers and the Munsters were former residents of what is now Wisteria Lane and their old houses are clearly visible to sharp-eyed viewers. Bob and Lee actually live in what was the Munster house, but the facade has been completely redone since Betty Applewhite and her sons lived there in season two.

That got me to thinking — what if some classic TV housewives lived together on Wisteria Lane back in the ’50s and ’60s? My version of The Original Desperate Housewives would star June Cleaver, Lily Munster, Lucy Ricardo, Laura Petrie and Alice Kramden. The central mystery would have to involve the volatile Kramdens and the disappearance of Alice. Did Ralph really “send her to the moon?” Lucy, always the snoop, overheard their arguments from across the street and filled in the other neighbors when Alice failed to show up for their weekly canasta game. Lucy swears that on one dark and stormy night — over the Munster house where there always seems to be a storm — she saw someone bury something in Lily’s back yard.

No one really buys Lucy’s story (she’s known to be overly dramatic and prone to dressing up in wild costumes to try to fool her own hot-headed husband into putting her in one of his nightclub shows in downtown Fairview), so they all go on with their daily lives. June Cleaver has a successful cleaning business (the uniforms include pearls and heels) and manages to have dinner on the table precisely at 6:00 PM, Laura has taken up writing (inspired by her husband’s writing career), Lily is in charge of the neighborhood watch because she’s the only one who stays up all night, and Lucy just makes everyone’s business her business. When she’s not trying to get into one of Ricky’s nightclub shows, she’s working on Laura to get a spot on her husband’s local TV show (Laura occasionally gets to make a guest appearance herself).

The women go about their lives, but Lucy is still nagged by what she saw in Lily’s back yard, so she convinces Laura to go with her to see what was buried in that yard. Shovels and flashlights in hand, Lucy and Laura sneak into Lily’s yard, find what appears to be a freshly dug burial plot and prepare to dig. But a large, shadowy figure appears behind them. They turn to see a large figure, backlit by lightning flashes, their hair stands on end — literally — and they take off in fast-motion. Perplexed, Herman Munster shrugs and goes about his business of digging up the giant bone the Munsters’ pet Spot had buried there earlier in the season.

The next day, Alice shows up unharmed, having only been to New York to visit her friend Trixie Norton, wondering why everyone is so happy to see her. Of course, no one wants to admit they all thought Ralph may have buried her in the Munsters’ yard, but they finally do have a laugh about it over a game of bridge. As the season ends, the lane is due for a shock as a new resident arrives in the middle of the night — Julia Baker, single mom and nurse, and her son Corey. Only Lily and Herman saw the moving van arrive, and the season ends with Herman quipping, “Well, look at that.  Times are changing on Wisteria Lane.”

Clacked by Chuck Duncan
on Feb 21, 2011 @ 12:00 EST5EDT