Quotation Marks – How I Met Your Mother, Castle and 30 Rock

I want to thank my brother-from-another mother Michael Noble for filling in covering Quotation Marks last week, allowing me to get settled into my new apartment. I do apologize for his decided rambling and going off on tangents in this introductory paragraph. These are the things that happen when you let a bull loose in the carefully crafted china shop that is your weekly television quotes.

As always, if we’ve missed your favorite quote, be sure to share it with us in the comments!

How I Met Your Mother (Review)

“I already know you.” – Quinn
“Oh really?” – Barney
“You wear a suit all the time.” – Quinn
“Obviously.” – Barney
“You have a stupid rule for everything.” – Quinn
“’I pay for the meal, you handle my deal.’ That’s just good manners.” – Barney
“But you end up most nights alone at the strip club feeling empty inside, telling yourself your life is somehow epic or classic or … legendary.” – Quinn
“I never say ‘epic’ or ‘classic.’ … Do you practice the dark arts?” – Barney

“Tonight is going to be Epic … wait for it … dary. Wait, no, that’s not it. How do I usually say it? I hate this Quinn girl!” – Barney

“Damn it, Ted! I was about to drop some sweet wordplay about logarithms and getting into a rhythm with my log.” – Barney

Castle (Review)

“What do you know about trunk latches?” – Beckett
“Uh [fumbles with latch] Well, the bad news is: This one wasn’t not designed to open from the inside.” – Castle
“And the good news?” – Beckett
“At least this time we’re not handcuffed together.” – Castle

New Girl (Review)

“Look Jess: The truth is … I don’t go out on Valentine’s Day.” — Schmidt to Jess about going out
“What?” — Jess
“There’s no thrill. All these bars filled with emotionally vulnerable women? I’m like a Dominican teenager playing little league. It’s just no fair for everybody else.” — Schmidt

“A normal man can go maybe three times in a night … depending on how much salmon he’s had.” — Schmidt to Jess about male stamina

Face Off 

“I’m really good at making certain types of girls look like crap.” — Tara

“This is s slam dunk unless we screw it up.” — Jerry

Big Bang Theory (More Quotes)

“Before I met you, I was a mousey wallflower. But look at me now: I’m like some kind of downtown-hipster-party girl. With a posse, a boyfriend and a new lace bra that hooks in the front of all things!” – Amy

“Goodnight Painting Penny … Goodnight Real Penny.” – Amy
“Goodnight Real Amy.” – Penny
“You don’t have to say goodnight to Painting Amy, because she’s never leaving. [Exits]” – Amy
“Goodnight Real Penny … Goodnight Transvestite Penny.” – Bernadette

“I don’t think you can put a number on how much one person likes another.” – Penny
“I bought you a painting that is twelve square feet in area … there’s a number.” – Amy
“Amy, c’mon. …” – Penny
“If you don’t like feet, you can try dollars. The painting set me back three grand.” – Penny

“I’ll let you in on a little secret: originally, we were painted nude. But I thought it was an unnecessary challenge to our heterosexuality.” – Amy
“Good call.” – Penny
“But if you ever change your mind all it would take is some warm, soapy water.” – Amy
“You’re talking about the painting, right?” – Penny
“Sure.” – Amy

Survivor (Review)

“‘Cause there’s only two things that’s gonna keep me in this game and that’s the idol and Jesus, and he ain’t showing up.” — Colton

“You guys are looking at me like I’m kryptonite or something.” — Sabrina visiting the men’s camp

“We’re going to cut his throat faster than Taylor Swift can write a song about an ex-boyfriend.” — Colton on his plan to get rid of Matt first

30 Rock (Review)

“Oh don’t be so dramatic. That’s my thing and if you take it away from me I will kill myself and then you.” — Jenna

“New York is a selfish filth monster and eventually it gets all of us. It’s Ghostbusters 2 all over again.” — Liz

“Come on Donaghy, you’ve skied Mt. St. Helens, made eye contact with Michele Bachmann, been trapped under a boulder for 128 hours — you’re not afraid of anything!” — Jack

Vampire Diaries (Review)

“Why do you look like someone shot a panda bear?” — Damon

“It’s for the best. I’m better at being the bad guy anyway.” — Damon, about Elena not falling for him

“Mother made us vampires; she didn’t make us monsters. We did that to ourselves.” — Elijah

“Just to be clear, I’m too smart to be seduced by you.” — Caroline
“That’s why I like you.” — Klaus

Archer (Review)

“Don’t act like you’ve never seen a…marital aid before.” — Malory
“Not in a dead Prime Minister’s ass!” — Archer
“And you don’t have to keep repeating it. We’ve established where it is.” — Malory

“Can you walk us through the crime?” — Lana
“Just the crime of murder, not the crime of sodomy by rubber eggplant.” — Archer

“Every single time we come over here, we have to help you get rid of a dead body.” — Cyril

“I hate you all so much.” — Cyril

“Thanks for dead guy in a box.” — Pam

Dan Le Batard is Highly Questionable

“Dave, you like being my brother?” — Dan
“Not really, Dan.” — Dan’s brother David

“Luol Deng is a man walking through aisle three of a grocery store.” — Dan

“News flash: baseball players can be fat. Can we put that on the scroll? News flash: baseball players are fat.” — Dan

“When’s the show going to get better, Dan?” — Dave

“When you see a painting like this, that’s the reason I love your brother more than I love you.” — Papi to Dan