The Schticky – CommercialClack

by Tara Shrodes

You loved his ShamWow ... you sort of liked his Slap Chop ... but will you like Vince Offer's latest?

Tara: Finally! A cure for my shedding pussy problems!

Michael: Wow! So much innuendo and inappropriate blather! It isn’t even funny … but … it really is. Take a look:

Part of the “attraction” — if that’s what you want to call it — of Vince Offer’s infomercials are all the little yucks and goofiness the guy injects into them. For example, one of the first things I noticed when I tuned into this little gem was the fact he’s wearing a headset … in the house. Now, I know he does the same in other infomercials … but why is he wearing one in the house while discussing his Schticky? In his ShamWow and the Slap Chop commercials he’s stationary, as if he’s addressing a crowd surrounding him like hucksters at CostCo or something. Not walking around an entire house.

It’s just strange to me.

Tara: And seriously? If I had that much hair on my bathroom floor? Just shoot me. Cause there would be a huge “issue” happening. It seems to be all about unwanted hair with Vince. Just how hairy does he think people are? I’m rather disturbed.

Michael: Hey … there are hirsute folks out and about in the world. Without the Schticky, they might need to enter their bathrooms brandishing a machete. You know what I mean? A Schticky is much more practical.

Tara: I also think that one lady should ditch her husband. I mean, geez what a lump. Big ole beer belly and sleeping with food all over him? Not a prize, sister. Not a prize.

Michael: You know … crumbs happen. It’s not a crime. That’s just one of the uses of a Schticky: Crumb removal. And don’t be calling the guy a “lump.” How do you know he didn’t just come back from a hard day’s night?

Tara: Remember! It’s slippery when wet, sticky when dry! But you can use it anytime, anyplace with anyone!

Michael: *wonders* We are still talking about the Schticky … aren’t we?

Tara: You know what I hate? When someone comes over and interrupts me when I’m playing with my Schticky. I can so relate to this guy. It’s wonderful to see the media addressing current and relevant topics such as this, with dignity. I don’t feel as well … alone anymore.

Michael: Speaking of innuendo *rolls eyes* Vince packs it in like 10 pounds of potatoes in a 5 pound sack. And not only with words. There’s the flight attendant (don’t want to use the word “stewardess” lest anyone jump down my throat) lovingly “Schticky-ing” that passenger … the cat on the lady’s lap … the one gal ‘Schticky-ing” her boob. Holy Moley! Entertainment “abounds” in this video!

Tara: This whole thing makes me laugh like crazy. I dig the guy who has to Schticky his dandruff before his big first date. Gross!

Michael: One more thing. Why in the world is Vince always hunching over like he’s going to pounce? Or as if he’s got a slipped disc or something? The guy should be a hunchback by this point. Is it a condition he is afflicted with? Or does this type of posture subliminally suggest to us we must purchase a Schticky in some manner? I just don’t know.

Tara: Maybe he should have one of those big Schtickys surgically inserted in his back to help align him. *snarfle* See? a million uses!