Cenred: Hello, Gwen. I’ve finally caught on to the fact that dramatic violins appear every time you and Arthur get within fifty feet of each other, so I decided to kidnap you. Hope you don’t mind.
Gwen: Didn’t I get kidnapped with Morgana last season for a shockingly similar reason? Are we still re-using scripts?
Cenred: But this time, I have your long lost brother! Haven’t used that trick yet, have I?
Gwen: The long-lost brother trick? Really? Isn’t that a little… soap opera-esque? I thought this was supposed to be the episode I finally got character growth.
Cenred: Think of it this way – you finally have an actual storyline that involves you doing more than saying empty platitudes to Arthur while looking pretty. This time, you’ll be riding next to him being useless and pretty.
Gwen: I suppose that could be a start.
Cenred: Also, if you don’t fetch Arthur to me to kill, I’ll kill your brother.
Gwen: …That too.
———-
Gwen: Hey Merlin, remember how we used to be friends? Well, I’m in a bit of a pickle. See, an extremely handsome yet evil man is trying to use my relationship with Arthur to kill him. And I just don’t understand how he knew we had something going on! We’ve been so subtle with the soft lighting and string orchestras and staring awkwardly into each other’s eyes!
Merlin: Um, right.
Gwen: Anyway, I need Arthur to help me rescue my brother, but he’d never risk his life for little old me.
Merlin: It only took him four episodes to go on some ridiculous quest to save my life, he’ll do it for you no problem.
Gwen: Merlin, for once we’re trying to have an episode that isn’t vaguely homoerotic.
Merlin: Right, right, sorry, we were doing really well up until then.
———-
Arthur: A quest! I love quests, despite the fact that I nearly die on them all the time.
Morgana: Ooh, road trip, mind if I tag along in a completely non-suspicious manner?
Merlin: Um, yes. Arthur, wasn’t this road trip supposed to be a chance for us — I mean, you and Gwen — to have some alone time?
Arthur: Sisters, what can you do, eh?
Admiral Ackbar: It’s a trap!
Merlin: Got that, thanks.
———-
Arthur: Merlin, what do I have to do to get the message to you that I want some alone time with Gwen across? There aren’t any doorknobs for me to put socks on.
Merlin: It’s not my fault Morgana was on a supervillan time schedule, I tried to delay her and give her lots of oblique warnings.
Arthur: But this was the first time Gwen and I have ever actually had anything resembling a heartfelt moment! There were flutes, Merlin, flutes. We were bonding over the fact that we couldn’t get a fire to start! It was epic!
Merlin: And this spark that wouldn’t light in no way struck you as an apt metaphor?
Arthur: Shut up, Merlin.
———-
Arthur: Here we are, at some convenient caves no one knows exist that conveniently lead exactly where we want to go. What could possibly go wrong?
Morgana: I could be evil and have a magical homing beacon.
Merlin: And I have a bad feeling about this.
Arthur: Enough worrying, everyone. Be sure to stick with your buddy and we’ll get through the ominous skeletons and cobwebs just fine.
Cenred’s Men: Surprise! We got you.
Arthur: Damn it. In no way could I have foreseen this happening!
———-
Arthur: So, we’re busting out of here.
Merlin: What, you don’t want to stay and be tortured?
Arthur: No, I thought we’d do our classic prison breakout schtick. Only this time with a half-naked man.
Merlin: Why the half-naked men?
Arthur: I’m improvising, Merlin, just go along with it.
———-
Arthur: I can’t believe we escaped! Especially when Morgause did that big magic laser thing! It sure was convenient that all those rocks fell.
Merlin: Yeah, you’re welcome.
Arthur: What did you do? Clearly Gwen deserves all the thanks for … standing where I told her to.
Merlin: You’re still trying to hit that, aren’t you?
Arthur: Shut up, Merlin.
Merlin: You know, I read this book called He’s Just Not That Into You. I really think you should get yourself a copy of it, since Gwen seems way more interested in her brother.
Arthur: Shut up, Merlin.
Clacked by Julia Hass 
on Oct 23, 2010 @ 20:49 EST5EDT
Hehe, I love your review as always. This episode is better than 306, to tell the truth.
But I think my huge problem with whole A/G thing is whenever the writers bring it, they tend to reset Arthur and Merlin’s relationship to some extent(I think the writers are not even aware of it). But as an emotionally mature audience, I really don’t like that. And I think this has always been the huge problem ever since S2 (S2 is the worst on this part).
I hope they soon move back to the main story of this show which is NO DOUBT the relationship between Arthur and Merlin. That’s most of the audience are interested and which makes this show to a another level. And Bradley and Colin always bring out their best when they do scene together.
BTW, I think everyone get really tired after all the mess. The writers, the actor/actress, the hetero-pair fans, the slash fans. Even BBC is tired, I think. They even create the B/C quest to sooth the slash fans, especially Quest 7.
I agree completely about the A/M relationship being the core of the show. We did see a little more action out of Merlin this time when he hit the guard with a sword and Arthur was pleasantly surprised, but so much what Merlin does is unappreciated (I know that’s what the writers like but it’s growing old now.) There is just not enough airtime to their scenes together.
I do think the writers are hinting that Elyan could become a knight, either directly, or through the story line that Gwen and Elyan have noble blood (a good way to make Gwen queen as well).
In any event, it was announced today that Merlin would be renewed for a 4th season, but with 10 episodes(?). We’ll see…
Love the review.
Am I the only one that is getting really sick of Morgana? I mean seriously to the point that I just want to slap her. Seriously, I’ve found that the evil thing has worked for hot girls, but on her it has just gotten to the point that I just want to shake her until she turns good or something!
And after 3 sseasons, can’t Merlin get some recognition already!? I love the show, but the whole saying that Merlin is useless even though you know he does everything has been done to death!
This bit made me giggle way more than it should!
As always, a very funny and apt review.