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Piranha 3DD – Boobs, blood and The Hoff in 3D

Piranha 3DD - Theater Review
Release Date: 06/01/2012 - MPAA Rating: R
Clacker Rating: 2 Clacks

The man - and woman - eating fish are back for another serving, but how on earth did they get from a lake to a water park? Don't ask.

"Piranha 3DD" attack

Yes, the picture above pretty much says it all … except with a little more clothing. Piranha 3DD seems to exist solely for the purpose of putting as much boobage on screen as possible and still maintain an R rating. The story, such as it is, picks up some time after the events of Piranha 3D that have left the Lake Victoria location a virtual wasteland. Moving to a new setting that is seemingly unconnected to Lake Victoria, the new movie takes place at a water park run by the sleazy uncle (David Koechner) of Maddy (Danielle Panabaker), who’s late mother was the park’s original owner. Unfortunately for Maddy, Uncle Chet has ideas for the park that are less than family-friendly but he holds 51% ownership, so she basically has no say in the matter. Naturally, his shady business sense also leads to killer piranhas invading the park’s water system. And people get eaten.

The first movie had a certain comedic charm mixed in with some of the more gruesome horror. It also had its share of boobs and Jerry O’Connell’s penis which got eaten by a piranha. It also had a pretty great cast to, from O’Connell to Elizabeth Shue, Adam Scott, Steven R. McQueen, Jessica Szohr, Ving Rhames, Christopher Lloyd and that “nudge,nudge, wink, wink” cameo from Richard Dreyfuss very clearly reprising his Roy Neary role from Jaws … or not (we don’t want to be sued). This movie has boobs, another severed penis, and Lloyd and Rhames making return appearances (and are probably two of the best things about the film, even if Rhames’ now legless character is stolen from Robert Rodriguez’s Grindhouse segment, “Planet Terror”), but the rest of the cast is decidedly not quite that stellar. Panabaker is an up and coming actor with a familiar face, and she gets to play a surprisingly strong heroine. Koechner has the sleazebag character down to a T at this point, but the film is just so poorly written that it’s hard to figure out what the rest of the characters are supposed to be doing except be piranha food. Poor Katrina Bowden (Cerie on 30 Rock) has probably the worst character arc in the film. She somehow ends up with a live piranha inside of her (don’t ask how it got there) which makes her alternately sick and horny, and then she seems to die a horrible death … but she doesn’t and then we never see her again.

Besides Lloyd’s and Rhames’ brief cameos, one person arrives late into the story (and at about an 80 minute running time — with ten of those being credits and bloopers — “late into the story” is relative) to save the day … David Hasselhoff. Yes, I actually said David Hasselhoff nearly saves the movie. The Hoff plays a version of himself that has apparently hit rock bottom so hard that he’s opening water parks and pretending to be a lifeguard as his adoring public looks on. Hasselhoff plays the part so well that you can’t really tell if he’s playing at being humiliated or if it’s genuine. My guess is he saw the script after he agreed to sign on and he’s regretting that decision for all of us to see (although he does actually seem to be having fun in the outtakes).

Like I said, the script is a bit of a mess with characters barely being introduced before they die, and awkwardly attempting to tie the original film’s location to the water park through such convoluted means that I’m still not quite sure how the fish got into the pools. But a movie like this isn’t about logic. It’s about pretty girls getting naked (yes, there are a few full frontal shots) and people getting eaten. That’s about it. It’s interesting (and telling) to see how Dimension Films is handling the release of the film, pretty much admitting that it’s a throwaway (or a tax deduction, or a contractual obligation to director John Gulager). You can find the film playing in limited theatrical release (in 3D), but it’s also available on most major cable providers via On Demand, and various streaming venues including Amazon, iTunes, GooglePlay, and more. If you have a Vudu subscription, you can even rent the 3D version of the movie if you have a 3D capable TV! I saw the 3D version via Vudu, and I was pretty impressed with some of the “in your face” effects (although there were some scenes that just had some crazy, eye-straining distortion). But the price of a rental for a film available to stream the same day it open theatrically is less than the price of a ticket, and you can make a party of it so how are the Weinsteins ever going to make their $20,000,000 budget back? Actually, I hope it’s a gamble that pays off because I’m much happier having watched a terrible movie in the comfort of my own home than I would have been had I spent $15.00 for a single ticket for a terrible movie that had a running time of less than 80 minutes. I was hoping for more crazy fun like the first one, but this one was just outlandish with very few laughs.

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Photo Credit: Dimension Films

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3 Responses to “Piranha 3DD – Boobs, blood and The Hoff in 3D”

June 2, 2012 at 2:52 PM

Sounds like one to walk right by!

June 2, 2012 at 2:57 PM

Which is a shame because the first one was such goofy fun, and at least made an attempt at telling a logical story (well, as logical as one can get when prehistoric piranhas are involved).

June 4, 2012 at 9:24 AM

Awful movie… Not funny, not interesting, and with its best joke stolen straight from Teeth.