My lovely friend Meredith (of Zephaniah Wine) made this amazing black bean and corn salad/dip thing one weekend, and I’ve been obsessed with it ever since. It’s super-easy to make, and ridiculously good. Sure, it’s all veggies, with nary a meat or cheese in sight, but I stand by its deliciousness enough to confidently say that you can bring it to a Super Bowl party this weekend and you won’t get thrown out of the building.

Generally canned vegetables freak me out, but it’s winter, so good corn on the cob is going to be hard to come by. Plus, frozen corn really won’t work for this unless you want to put a lot more time in it that is required. This dip should be served room temperature or cold, so you’d have to cook the corn and cool it before you’re ready to put it in — and that’s just crazy talk.

I also didn’t get the recipe from Meredith, I basically recreated it from the dreams I had about this dip every night since she made it. I asked her later, and it turns out I got pretty close. So without further ado. …

Black Bean Corn Salad/Dip

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Ingredients:

• 1 can black beans (I use the reduced sodium kind)
• 1 can corn (I use the kind without salt. There’s certainly a theme here)
• 1 large avocado
• 2 Roma tomatoes
• 1/2 red onion
• 1/2 lime
• 1/4 cup fresh cilantro (don’t pack it down or anything ridiculous like that — you don’t need a ton.)
• 2 tbs malt vinegar
• salt and pepper to taste

The reason I love this recipe so much is because it’s ridiculously quick and easy. Drain the black beans and the corn and  put them in a large salad bowl. Chop up the avocado and the tomatoes and add them to the bowl. I actually only used 1/4 of the onion because I don’t really like them. I also chopped them as finely as I could, but that’s really dependent on your own personal onion groove.

At this point, you have the base of the dip in place:

Now you’re just bringing it all together. Squeeze your 1/2 lime into the bowl, add the cilantro and the vinegar. You’ll probably have to play around with the vinegar and salt and pepper to get it to the exact taste you want. It also serves as a nice excuse to eat a bunch of it before you relinquish it to your guests. Stir it all up, and you’re ready to go!

Like Nathan Fillion’s bean dip, you’re going to need a sturdy chip for this bad boy. Mission Rounds are good, as are the Archer Farms blue corn tortilla chips that I grabbed from Target.

I love Twitter, because you never know what news you’ll learn, or what celebrity is having a meltdown, or how many people should go to bed instead of being on Twitter. Or, in the case of Nathan Fillion, a sweet vegetarian bean dip recipe.

For you food pleasure, I have gone through his string of tweets and recreated the recipe below:

• Layer 1: Large can of fat-free vegetarian refried beans.

• Layer 2: Mix taco seasoning into low fat sour cream and spread over beans.

• Layer 3: 4 large diced tomatoes (use your judgment for adequate coverage).

• Layer 4: Guacamole. (I use avocados mixed with Herdez mild salsa). Tomatoes will anchor the sour cream layer.

• Layer 5: 1 cute little can of diced green chilies. Suggest wee flinging through fingers for even spreaddage.

I’m not a giant pepper fan, so I just used a can of diced tomatoes with green chiles, so this is part of my tomato layer.

• Layer 6: 1 cute little can of black olives. Same technique for spreaddage.

I made this for a family dinner, and my sister hates olives, do I only did half.

• Layer 7: shredded Mexican cheese mix. Or to taste. I use a whole bag.

This is a pretty straightforward 7-layer dip recipe, so just grab a casserole dish and start layering. Fillion does, however, offer a few tips: “[Use] a strong chip like Mission Rounds. Dip is thick- will destroy lesser chips. Maybe stock up on Beano, too.”

He also tweeted that he wants pictures and to hear how it goes, and now I can officially report back that it was a major hit. I usually hate refried beans, but this went really well. Plus, I made my own taco seasoning which gave it an extra kick.

With the Super Bowl coming up, it’s a great vegetarian option for any parties you may be hosting or attending. Plus, Nathan Fillion is hot and charming, and that’s bound to rub off on you, right? I’m pretty sure that’s how that works.

Last week, we had my dad and step-mother over for the football playoffs. Luke, who uses any excuse to spend a billion dollars at the grocery store, decided he wanted to make subs. Except, that’s not what he was planning on doing at all. He said “subs,” but what he actually meant was “a muffaletta the size of my head.”

He was planning on making a vegetarian version that involved vegetarian lunch meat, but that wasn’t sounding too great to me, mainly because the second I heard “muffaletta,” I had a completely different picture in mind. There’s a cafe around here called South Street Under, and they make a vegetarian muffaletta sandwich that is to die for. So that’s what I set out to do.

I couldn’t remember exactly what they put on the sandwich, but I had the general idea, so I just decided to wing it. I was going to put zucchini, squash and eggplant, but unfortunately, the grocery store across the street was out of yellow squash, so I just used extra zucchini and threw in some spinach and mushrooms that I already had in the house.

I figured Luke would be bringing home a long Italian roll, but instead he brought home these huge rounds. Apparently, that’s traditionally how a muffaletta is served, and you cut pieces like you’re cutting a cake. A giant sandwich cake that was perfect to share while watching football. So perfect, in fact, that I’m serving it again during the Super Bowl!

Before we go any further, here’s the recipe:

Vegetarian Muffaletta

Ingredients:

• One large round (if you’re feeling daring) or Italian loaf
• 1 cup olive tapenade (from this recipe)
• 2 tablespoons olive oil
• 1/2 lemon
• 1 baby eggplant
• 1 zucchini
• 1 yellow squash
• 1 cup portabella mushrooms (I used baby bellas)
• 2 cups fresh spinach
• pepper to taste
• 8 slices provolone cheese

The first thing I did was whip up my trusty olive tapenade. It takes a minute to just throw in the food processor, and it’s delicious. The problem with sandwiches like this is that oftentimes they end up bland. The tapenade adds the kick that the veggies need.

While I’m working on this, I heat up the oil in my saute pan. I had to do this in two batches, so I used half the oil. While that’s heating, I spread the tapenade on the bottom half of my bread and set it aside. I saute the veggies, making sure to add the spinach last, as to not get it too wilted. As they’re sauteing, squeeze the lemon onto them. Generally, I saute vegetables in garlic, olive oil and pepper, but in this recipe I replace the garlic with the lemon, since the tapenade is quite garlicky enough.

After you have your sauteed vegetables, pile them on top of the bottom half of the bread and cover with the provolone cheese.

Cover with the top of the bread, and bake in the oven at 375 for about 10 minutes or until the cheese is melted and bubbly, and the bread is crusty.

Cut like a giant sandwich cake and enjoy!

A lot of people are under the impression that, as a vegetarian, my diet mainly consists of salads. While that wouldn’t be a bad idea, there are actually several salads that are off-limits, including the ubiquitous Caesar salad. Even if you don’t add the grilled chicken to it, Caesar salads are still generally no-nos to vegetarians, due to the anchovies (a food which I still do not understand, even a little bit).

Some of your “fancier” Caesar salads will have actual anchovies in them, staring up at you as you’re pretending to be healthy by eating a salad. However, even your low-rent Caesar salads generally contain anchovies in the dressing. So, what’s a vegetarian to do? Eat something else. After all, we’re pretty used to that. Sure. Or, we could make our own non-anchovyish Caesar salad dressing. A dressing so versatile that it can even be made, sigh, vegan.

When I was with my family for the holidays, my sister made an amazing vegetarian chicken Caesar salad. I wanted to eat it all the time, so I was not to be deterred by the fact that she lives halfway across the country from me. I set out to recreate the goodness at home. So here you go:

Vegetarian/Vegan Caesar Salad Dressing (serves 2-4)

1/4 cup olive oil

1 tablespoon of mayonnaise (I prefer the mayo made with olive oil, but you vegans out there can use vegan mayo).

1 teaspoon Dijon mustard

1-3 garlic cloves, minced (I use at least three, but I’m obsessed with garlic. This should really be to your taste)

1/2 lemon, juiced

Dash of soy sauce

salt and pepper to taste

Mix it all together, and BOOM: Best Caesar salad dressing ever. The best part is, you don’t have to mess with raw eggs or any of that nonsense, so it’s fast and less scary than just downing eggs.

As for the salad itself, follow your bliss. Romaine, croutons and parmesan are boring to me, so I decided to make a chicken Caesar salad. I added the parmesan (because it is delicious) and cooked up two of the Morningstar Farms Italian Herb Chik Patties, sliced those bad boys up and stuck them in. I also added cucumber because they’re delightful and we had some that needed to be used up. All in all, if I didn’t make Luke have some, I would have sat there and eaten the entire bowl of salad, which would have been pretty much the opposite of the healthy, “I think I’ll have a salad for dinner” choice.

It’s that time of year again, that time where you stress out about meals and menus, traveling and family. Maybe it’s because I’m a vegetarian and I don’t fall into the lovely Tryptophan-induced turkey coma that most of America does every year, but Thanksgiving has always seemed like a lot of work for very little payoff.

However, since we recently moved back near my family and Cooper is a year old now, this year seems like the perfect time to get into the holiday spirit. Since five of the seven people who will be attending our Thanksgiving dinner are vegetarians, it’s going to be a mostly veggie meal. People are always asking what we eat on Thanksgiving, because if you take out the turkey, folks somehow seem to forget that there are any other food products on the table. That’s why I’m sharing our menu with you, so if you’re having a vegetarian Thanksgiving, or just want to know how such an abomination can happen, this will help you out.

1. Tofurkey: Every year, there’s always some jackass who asks if we’re having a Tofurkey. I always say no, because about 10 years ago we actually tried one, and it tasted like crap. However, this year we will actually be serving one, with the idea that the Tofurkey technology has improved over the past decade. So, you know, cross your fingers.
2. Butternut Squash Risotto: I already told you guys about it. I can only hope that it turns out as amazingly well as the first batch did. Seriously. To. Die. For.
3. Corn Casserole: My mom is bringing this over. It’s the fattiest, most ridiculous use of a vegetable ever. Also, so good!
4. Green Bean Casserole: Straight outta the Campbell’s kitchen. It’s a classic, and my dad is bringing this over along with the aforementioned Tofurkey.
5. Garlic mashed potatoes: Okay, that’s not a link to a recipe, but that dude made the best Thanksgiving garlic mashed potatoes I’ve ever had. Luke’s in charge of them this year, and I have the utmost faith that he’ll be able to properly replicate them.
6. Mustard-glazed carrots: Generally I like my baby carrots plain, or with a little bit of butter, but Luke made these a while ago, and they are delish. Pro tip: use brown sugar instead of regular.
7. Asparagus Hollandaise: My dad is making this well. He is apparently cooking his face off this Thanksgiving. This is not something that normally happens, so it should be interesting.
8. Pumpkin Cheesecake: My friend Lauren recently made this and wrote about it on her website, along with some biscuits that look delicious and that I may sneak in here. I wanted to make a fancy dessert, and a pumpkin cheesecake seems like a great use of my last bag of pumpkin.

With Thanksgiving dinner still a good 24 hours away, this menu will probably be adjusted and added to. There will be salads, and perhaps appetizers, and probably a pie thrown in there somewhere. Hey, who knows. Maybe this group of vegetarians may even find a vegetable on the table that’s not completely covered in some sort of fatty sauce. Regardless of what we add, I will tell you one thing you won’t be seeing anywhere near my table:

THERE WILL BE NO EFFING SWEET POTATOES.

In this column, I’ve tried to break certain stereotypes about vegetarians: that we all support PETA, or that vegetarians and vegans are the same thing. Now I’m going to drop another knowledge bomb on you: vegetarians can be just as unhealthy as the rest of you. For example, last night, I took a wonderful vegetarian protein source, tempeh, which is also full of iron and calcium, and made a recipe that involved flour, breadcrumbs, sugar, and butter. Oh, copious amounts of wonderful, artery-clogging butter.

Yes, out of all of the recipes for broiled tempeh, or stir-fried tempeh, I managed to find a recipe for tempeh buffalo wings– and man, were they delightful.

These wings, or “tempeh wingz” as the recipe is actually titled, were obviously originally made by hippies, so I had to modify the recipe slightly. For instance, I do not own rice milk, so I used regular milk. I also don’t have panko, which are Japanese breadcrumbs, so I used regular breadcrumbs. The sauce also calls for agave nectar, but since I’m not Deb, I don’t have that in my kitchen. I ended up using sugar instead, which is a huge mistake that I’ll get to in a moment.

The process of making this is kind of interesting. First, you dip the cut tempeh into the milk, then you dip it in your flour and spices, followed by another milk bath, before it’s covered in breadcrumbs. You bake for 10 minutes on each side, and there you go. The sauce, the recipe for which is also at this link, is a little off for me. For one, it only calls for 2 1/2 T of hot sauce (btw, you have to use Frank’s. That’s not even up for discussion), and you really need way more than that. There is no way you should have 4 T of butter and 4T of ketchup and only use 2 1/2 T of hot sauce. That’s just crazy talk.

The big thing with the sauce though, is the agave nectar/sugar. YOU DON’T NEED IT. Again, I’d like to draw your attention to the 4 T of ketchup. That’s a lot of sugar right there. You don’t need any additional sweetener– it becomes a little sickly. When I made this, I had to add a crapload more hot sauce and a bunch of salt and pepper to try to counter-balance the sugar.

After some major doctoring though, these turned out deliciously. Even Luke, who was intrigued by the familiar buffalo wing smell, but weirded out by the whole tempeh thing, was intrigued. In fact, he ended up snagging several of them, saying that “they seem so wrong, but I still want some.” Now if that’s not an endorsement, I don’t know what is.

Ugh. Thanksgiving. I’ve never been much of a fan of this holiday. After all, when you’re not eating turkey, what’s the point? I know, I know, being thankful, family, blah, blah, blah. The thing is, I can do that without fighting traffic and spending all day in the kitchen. Fact: one of my favorite Thanksgivings was when my friend Elizabeth and I stayed in New York instead of going home and had grilled cheese at a diner and watched Harry Potter on IMAX. That’s how it should be done.

However, this year I am doing more of a traditional Thanksgiving, so I’m trying to figure out things to cook. Luckily, Elizabeth sent me this AMAZING recipe for butternut squash risotto. I made it last week, and it was a huge hit. The recipe yields something like 10 servings, and it was gone in like a day and a half. Of course, the whole “10 servings” thing is really if you’re using it as a side dish, but it’s rich and filling enough that it can easily be a main dish befitting a certain November holiday.

As far as risottos go, it’s actually not that hard to make. The difficulty for me came in the beginning when I had to coordinate cooking the risotto, heating up the vegetable stock and sauteing the sage. That’s kind of a lot for me to do at the same time. Once I got past that, however, I was golden.

Oh, speaking of which. The reason it was kind of difficult was because I had to make the stock out of bouillon cubes, so there was an extra step involved. Pro tip: use Knorr vegetable bouillon cubes instead of vegetable stock. It gives you a much richer (and according to Luke) beefier taste. It really enhances the flavors and helps make sure that the butternut squash isn’t too sweet.

The only other tricky part comes whenever you make risotto, which is to make sure you stir! Once you start adding the stock to the rice, you’re not going anywhere. The directions say that it takes between 15-30 minutes for all of the stock to absorb into the rice, but it took me at least 45. I was having a real My Cousin Vinny experience, wondering if it takes longer for water to soak into a piece of arborio rice in my kitchen than it does anywhere else on the face of the earth. Luckily though, everything worked out in the end.

Other than the timing, this recipe isn’t nearly as difficult to make as it may seem. Hell, if I can make it perfectly on my first try, I’m sure you can. The other cool thing about this, is that it’s relatively healthy and definitely inexpensive. One serving contains 371 calories, 10 g fat, 1.4 g fiber, and more importantly, only costs about $1.77. You can find a full nutritional and cost breakdown on the Cheap Healthy Good website.

Last week, before my baby decided to snack on dog food, I was having a difficult time coming up with inspiration for my Hold the Meat column. So I took it to our esteemed writers and asked for ideas. Our resident redneck, Jeff, played to my love of zombies and offered this up:

The Zombie Apocalypse is in full swing. You are stuck at home waiting for them to leave, and I drop by your place for dinner unannounced. What will you make to feed a very hungry meat eater? Remember I need to keep my strength up so I can go on my way and fight zombies as I go.

If I were a good hostess, I would just suck it up and give the poor guy a steak. However, I’m a jerk. So what I would do instead would be to choose a vegetarian dish that is so good, even an avowed meat eater like himself would feel fully sated and able to face the zombies head-on.

My first instinct in a situation like this would be to serve chili. Now, I wouldn’t be stupid enough to serve Glark’s famous chili, because even I know that chili that involves corn and baby carrots isn’t quite going to cut it. My second impulse would be to do tacos, but I feel like there are too many accouterments to truly be appropriate for the situation. If you’re in the middle of a zombie apocalypse, you don’t have time to be messing with lettuce, and onions, and half a different kinds of hot sauce. So that is when I figured out the perfect dish: Vegetarian Beef Stroganoff.

Luke introduced me to this, and it’s really not anything fancy. You just take your favorite beef stroganoff recipe (I believe we use the Betty Crocker one at home) and instead of using a pound of ground beef or steak, use the Morningstar Farms Steak Strips. If you can’t find those, then use the crumbles, but in the event of an apocalypse, zombie or otherwise, you should go with the good stuff.

Veggie beef stroganoff is filling and will give you the energy you need to keep those bastards from feasting on your brains. Plus, the meat-eaters I know who have tried it have all loved it. so while Jeff may be offended at the idea of vegetarian stroganoff on principle, in action, I think he’d actually enjoy it. Plus, having less meat in your system may make you less attractive to zombies. Maybe.

I love soup. When made well, it’s probably just about as perfect of a food as you can get. There may be a couple of meals out there that I like more, but nothing that I could eat every day for a week and not either get sick of or feel guilty about eating.

This recipe for pasta e fagioli may be a little bit on the bootlegged side of things, but it is chock full of both pasta, and fagioli (that’s beans, people), so as far as I’m concerned, it’s as authentic as it needs to be. Because deliciousness and ease of preparation beat out authenticity in my book any day of the week.

It’s also easy to customize to your liking, and I’ll add a couple of variations at the end of the recipe. Because if you haven’t yet noticed my low-carb phobia, you’ll see that this recipe contains both pasta and potatoes.

Pasta e Fagioli
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Ingredients:

• 1 onion peeled and quartered
• 2 medium potatoes, scrubbed and in large chunks
• 1 15oz can chopped tomatoes
• olive oil
• salt to taste
• 2 bell peppers (a combo of red and green is pretty) diced
• 1 – 1 1/2 cups thinly sliced green beans
• 1/4 – 1/3 lb small pasta, I used short tri-color penne
• 2 15 oz cans beans, drained or not – I used kidney and cannellini

In a large pot add the potatoes, onion and half the tomatoes with their juice and cover with water, about three quarts to start with. You can always add more water later, but if you add too much, there’s not a lot you can do about it.

Bring to a boil, add about 1/4 cup olive oil and 1 tsp of salt to start and cook until the potatoes and onions are soft. Puree with an immersion blender or use a regular blender and add back to the pot.

Bring to a boil again and add the rest of the tomatoes, peppers and green beans and simmer for five minutes. Add the pasta and simmer until it’s done the way you like it, then add the beans just to heat through. Don’t forget to check for salt before you sit down to eat!

(Slightly) lower carb version: use an equal amount of zucchini or yellow squash instead of potatoes.

If you want thinner broth and more “chunks” (as well as a shorter cooking time), leave out the potatoes, dice the onion, and add it with the tomatoes, peppers and green beans.

If I were like Debbie and kept all sorts of nice fresh herbs around, I might’ve stirred in some chopped fresh basil and parsley to this at the end. Things like crushed red pepper and grated parmesean cheese were passed around at the table, and my four year old daughter ate an astoundingly large bowl full. If that’s not the ultimate taste test, I don’t know what is.

Before I came to Portugal, I’d never even heard of Russian Salad. With that in mind, I kind of figured it was just something people here ate, and I couldn’t figure out what the hell was Russian about it. As it turns out, the Russian Salad I’ve been eating is so far removed from the original (which, to my surprise, is actually Russian!), it might as well be called Portuguese Salad, and the way I make it at home when no one’s looking, it probably doesn’t even deserve a name.

But seriously. According to Wikipedia, the first Russian Salad had both gherkins and fresh cucumbers. And caviar. And veal tongue. In other words, something a lot of people, myself included, would not eat unless there were big bucks to be made from it. And I fully admit I have eaten it with sliced hot dogs in it, which are a horror show in and of themselves, but in defense of hot dogs, if they do have tongue in them somewhere, at least I don’t see any taste buds. Blech.

Nowadays, perusing through the various recipes Google has to offer, I see that Russian Salad here and in the States are pretty much the same basic ingredients; boiled potatoes, carrots, green beans or peas, and usually hard boiled egg, and some sort of cooked meat or tuna. There is, however, one glaring difference: mayonnaise.

Now, I’m not nearly as mayo-phobic as Debbie. When I still ate them, I would put it on burgers and tuna sandwiches no problem. But to bathe my salad in? Thank you, but no. Just the thought of all those lovely veggies coated in goopy, glistening mayonnaise is enough to make me lose my appetite. Olive oil is the way to go, and if you think it needs it, some vinegar, but that’s really optional. So is meat, if you ask me.

But like I said, and as you can well see from the picture, when I make “Russian Salad” at home, I get really lazy about it.  If you couldn’t tell, that’s an over-easy egg, neither hard nor boiled. Hard boiled eggs are just a pain in the ass. You have to put it in its own little pot, wait for it to boil and make sure the egg doesn’t crack and ooze out into the water, time it just right so you don’t get that nasty green ring around the yolk, drain it, rinse it in more water to cool it off, and burn your fingers trying to peel it because you are starving and didn’t rinse it long enough so it’s not really cool yet.  For one or two eggs? Not worth it. It’s just so much easier to put some olive oil in a pan, crack an egg in it, and flip it over.

It may not be Russian, but it is delicious, simple. and as far as I’m concerned, guilt-free.

It was my own fault for not thinking outside the box that I wasn’t having good vegetarian Mexican food. A couple of months ago, while my mom (who is also making her way towards vegetarianism) was visiting, I was racking my brain for something for us to have for dinner. I didn’t feel like going to the store, but the vegetarian options were slim pickings. I remembered I had some black bean chili in the freezer, and decided to go with that. It had been relegated to the back of the freezer and almost forgotten about, because as a chili on it’s own it wasn’t really spectacular. But we had some tortillas and salsa lying around, so I thought what the hell? Everything is better with salsa.

I was really surprised, because what was a pretty boring and unsatisfying dish turned into some amazing vegetarian burritos, especially when doctored up with the salsa, lots of shredded lettuce and some freshly made sour cream. A few days later, we had the rest of the chili, only this time mixed with rice in taco shells, and it was even better than any beef or chicken taco I’d ever had.

Unfortunately, that chili takes a long time to make because it’s made from dried beans, but now that I know the awesomeness of vegetarian Mexican food, I’ve started to experiment a little bit and the results have all been good. Most recently I made black bean, mushroom and corn tacos, simply sauteed with some taco seasoning and a dollop of sour cream and salsa mixed in at the end. I don’t usually think of mushrooms for Mexican food, but they were threatening to go bad if I didn’t use them, so I threw them in, and it was pretty damn good.

This is why I get so excited about vegetarianism. When I was eating a lot of meat, I pretty much stuck to the same few things, over and over again. Cutting out meat has forced helped me get creative in the kitchen and expand my culinary horizons, something I’ve always wanted to do, but wasn’t quite sure how. As it turns out, it’s not only pretty simple, but it also makes cooking (and eating!) more fun.

The problem with Morningstar Farms … and Boca, and Gardenburger, is that they all make basically the same thing. You’ve got your veggie burgers, hot dogs, breakfast sausage, and the occasional steak strip, or whatever. It’s all “red meat” though, and none of the major brands that are easily available in most grocery stores make a decent chicken product. Yes, Boca and Morningstar both have chick patties, but they taste like butt.

That’s when I discovered Quorn.

Okay, well technically, my dad discovered it. It used to only be available at our local health food store at the time, so we had it a few times and I forgot about it. Lately though, we’ve been able to get it at the grocery store, so I’ve fallen in love all over again.

Although they do make veggie turkey and the like, Quorn makes mostly chicken products. Their naked chik’n cutlets are great by themselves but are even better in recipes that call for chicken, like pot pie or gumbo. Their chik’n nuggets make a great snack as well. All of this is well and good, but doesn’t really merit a post. For that, I would like to direct your attention to the holy grail of meat-free dinners: the Gruyere chik’n cutlet.

Oh my God, you guys. This is hands down the greatest thing I have ever eaten out of a freezer. It’s a breaded cutlet with a layer of Gruyere cheese between the cutlet and the breading. I doubt it tastes anything like chicken, but it is absolutely transcendent.

I just moved, and our stove was broken for the first month and a half, so I ate most of my meals from the microwave. Usually I hate veggie burgers and the like out of the microwave, because they end up tasting like feet. The Gruyere cutlet though, tasted like angel tears on rainbows. Well, actually that sounds kind of gross, but dude: this is super good.

What also separates Quorn products from the other meat replacements is that it’s not made with soy. Instead, Quorn’s main ingredient is a distilled version of the joy you get from jumping into a swimming pool on a hot summer’s day — by which I mean, mycoprotein.

Mycoprotein sounds completely made up, but the Quorn website describes it as, “a nutritious member of the fungi family, as are mushrooms, truffles, and morels. The fungus used in all Quorn products is Fusarium Venenatum.” It’s low in calories, has zero cholesterol, and contains all nine essential amino acids — you know, if that’s the sort of thing you’re into.

For me, it just tastes delightful and makes me happy when it goes down my food hole. Whether you’re a vegetarian who’s stuck in a rut or even a meat eater looking for healthier alternatives to a McChicken sandwich, I cannot praise Quorn enough. I wouldn’t say it’s changed my life, but it’s certainly changed my dinners.

I recently moved, and while there are many benefits to my new abode (I haven’t heard anyone yell, “GUN!” followed by, “COPS!” once!), one of my favorite things about the new digs is  the fact that I have a decent kitchen. My big New House Resolution is to get in the kitchen some more and try new things out. While I haven’t actually done that yet (it’s kind of hard to cook when it looks like you live in a hobo camp) I’ve been preparing by broadening my culinary horizons.

Luke is obsessed with New Orleans. He loves the city, the music, and especially the food. Gumbo has long been one of his specialties. He made it for a group of our friends last summer and they all raved about it like it was the second coming. Meanwhile, I was in the corner eating red beans and rice, which were also homemade and delicious, but come on. Red beans and rice can’t exactly compare to homemade gumbo.

Luke taunted me by saying he could make me a vegetarian gumbo, but he wouldn’t because I “didn’t like anything in it.” That, my friends, is a filthy lie. I admit, I am kind of a ridiculous vegetarian in that I don’t like peppers or onions. However, I am not unreasonable. If someone is going to offer to make me gumbo, which looks delicious, I am going to take him up on it. And that is how I had the Best. Gumbo. Ever.

I’m not one to keep delightful things to myself, so I am her to share the Good News. I’ve included here for you the recipe for Luke’s Gumbo, and if you haven’t guessed already, I’ll also tell you how to make the veggie version that will delight all of the hippies in your life.

Luke’s Gumbo:

Ingredients

• One pound smoked sausage or smoked andouille sausage sliced into 1/4-3/8″ pieces
• One pound boneless, skinless chicken breast cleaned and cut into 1″ cubes
• Three medium green bell peppers, seeded, demembraned and coarsely chopped
• Three medium white onions, coarsely chopped
• One pound fresh or frozen okra, sliced into ½” pieces
• Six cloves garlic, finely chopped
• One 28 ounce can tomatoes with juice, diced, or chopped, or 2 ½ lbs. fresh tomatoes
• Six 15 ounce cans chicken broth
• One cup white rice
• Three tablespoons ground cayenne pepper
• Two tablespoons oregano
• Two tablespoons freshly ground black pepper
• One teaspoon salt
• One teaspoon gumbo file
• 1/3 cup vegetable oil (follow the suggestion to use roasted peanut oil if possible)
• 1/3 cup white flour

Directions

In an 8 quart or larger stock pot, heat the oil over medium heat until it shimmers, stir in the flour so that the oil/flour mixture evenly covers the bottom of the pan.  Fry the flour while stirring the mixture and scraping the pan almost constantly with a wooden spoon until the roux turns a deep caramel color.  If black spots appear in the roux, it is burned and you must start over.

Stir onions and green peppers into the roux until all of the roux is mixed in with the vegetables.  Stirring occasionally, cook the onions and peppers until they are just moderately crunchy, and then add the garlic.  Continue to cook the mixture and stir until the onions and peppers start to soften.

Add the okra.  Stirring occasionally, cook until the okra is hot and its juice is fluid and mixing with the other vegetables.

Stir in the chicken broth, and tomatoes.  Add the cayenne pepper, oregano, black pepper, salt, and gumbo file.  Slightly increase the temperature and cook the mixture until it begins to boil, stirring so as to make sure that none of the ingredients stick to the bottom of the pot.

Once the mixture has reached a slow boil add the chicken, sausage and rice.  Reduce the heat to hold the gumbo at a simmer.  Cook at least 30 to 60 minutes until the rice has a popcorn-like appearance.  Serve in bowls with dark beer and fresh baguettes with butter.  Several varieties of hot sauce should be available.

Making gumbo vegetarian is actually quite simple (and delicious). All you need to do is swap out a few ingredients:

Veggie Version

• Instead of chicken stock, use vegetable stock. After trial and error, we’ve found that using Knorr boullion cubes and water actually works a lot better than cans of vegetable stock.
• Replace the meat with 3 boxes of Boca sausages and 3 boxes of Quorn Naked Chik’n Cutlets. Just thaw them slightly (so they’re still about 75% frozen), chop them up and throw them in. The sausage flavor comes out and the chik’n has a great texture and soaks up all of the flavors in the gumbo really well.

Variations

These variations on the recipe can work on both the regular and vegetarian versions of the gumbo:

• Replace one of the green bell peppers with five seeded, demembraned and coarsely chopped fresh jalapeno chilies
• Replace one of the green bell peppers with a seeded, demembraned and coarsely chopped sweet red bell pepper
• Double the amount of cayenne pepper
• Add two to three tablespoons Tabasco-brand hot sauce
• Replace the 28 ounce can of tomatoes with 2 ½ pounds of skinned and seeded fresh ripe tomatoes
• Replace the oil with roasted peanut oil

Like I said, this stuff was ridiculously good. I didn’t even notice the hated onions and peppers. Everything blended together beautifully, and writing this is making me quite sad that I don’t have any more to shoveinmyfacerightnow! This recipe is perfect if you’re feeding a large group of people, so next time you want a simple way to feed people at your next get-together, keep this in mind. You’ll be a hero; I promise.

I just want to say, before I continue with the simple recipe, that we are having a great time creating these recipes and then trying them to see if they are any good. I was hesitant about the Taco Mary. I can admit that now. But it’s AMAZING. So, if you haven’t tried it yet, do yourself a favor and mix one up.

Without further ado, I introduce the Gazpacho Mary.

Gazpacho Mary

Ingredients:

• 1 part vodka
• 1 part Bloody Mary mix
• a splash of cucumber cocktail splash (optional)
• 1/2 cucumber
• garlic-stuffed olives
• pearl onions
• green pepper
• cucumber slices

Instructions:

Take your vodka (Absolut PEPPAR, which adds the pepper*) and bloody mary mix (Zing Zeng, which has hot sauce found in gazpacho), the cucumber cocktail splash (optional), and 1/2 cucumber, peeled and chopped. Add to blender or food processor. Blend until smooth.

Pour into a glass, over ice.

Garnish with a slice of green pepper (also found in gazpacho), two garlic-stuffed olives on a toothpick (the garlic), two pearl onions on a toothpick, and a slice of cucumber on the glass. The garnishes of these bloody marys really make the drink, so don’t skimp!

*If you don’t have Absolut PEPPAR, add a pinch of pepper to each serving.