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The X-Files Virgin’s Diary – Horny old people and crazy confused kids

The X-Files - "Red Museum"

(Season 2, Episodes 9-12)

Looks like we’ve hit the midseason doldrums a little early here in the second year of The X-Files. It’s a pretty common phenomenon that a lot of shows seem to flounder around in the middle of a 22-episode season before refinding their focus toward the end of the season.

But The X-Files was supposed to be exempt from this, considering that their monster-of-the-week episodes were often considered some of their strongest episodes. So what happened? We did get a “MythArc” episode. Surely that was great.

2.9 – “Firewalker”
(Original Air Date: November 18, 1994) I liked this a little better when it was “Ice” in the first season. Now, it just felt like we were retreading ground we’d already covered, replacing a frozen tundra with a steaming volcano. And yet there was no gratuitous skin. Boo!

Hell, the “bad” was a parasite again that controlled people’s behavior. Granted it seemed that its drive was mostly reproduction. We did get to see the fancy make-up of the spores sticking through their necks.

At the end when Mulder was telling Search and Rescue that it was just him and Agent Scully who needed help, I couldn’t help but think that the other guy could have used some medical lovin’, too. Did you see the charred skin covering half his face. That’s gotta hurt!

2.10 – “Red Museum” [MythArc]
(Original Air Date: December 9, 1994) Ah, government experiments, where would this show be without them? But now, there’s a crazy guy who’s onto them, so to expose them he kidnaps the kids and … exposes them? Oh, and he writes messages on their backs to let you know that he or she is one.

Yes, it’s not very clear, but the guy seems to have a few screws loose. And the messages did get the attention of Mulder. I did appreciate the use of the Red Museum as a red herring. But it seemed almost too easy to blame a strange cult-like religion. As if they wanted me to.

But it comes down to strange cow injections that may have been given to the kids as well, turning them into clones of Biff and his friends from Back to the Future. And then we had Deep Throat’s executioner back to clean up this mess. He nearly got all the meat at the processing plant as well in a fiery blaze, but Sheriff “you killed my son” got to him first.

Still, of course there was nothing conclusive anyway. Unknown substances, unidentified executioner body, don’t know, could be, who knows … X-file.

2.11 – “Excelsis Dei”
(Original Air Date: December 16, 1994) I’ve heard stories about old people at nursing homes getting frisky. But I had no idea it was an out-of-body experience for them. (Zing!)

I think I was bothered by the fact that all of the old men in this episode were portrayed as horny perverts who had no control over themselves. Thank God this was before Viagra was in all the nursing homes. Still, even a psychic rape is a pretty significant thing, and nothing was really done about it.

I should think some of them would have some dignity and self-restraint. Then we got the fairly obvious misdirection of the doctor who’s been treating them for Alzheimer’s with impressive improvements shown. But nope, it’s not him. It’s an orderly we discover is from Malaysia with drugs of his own. But then why is he giving them drugs? What was his motivation? To give the writers a plot?

2.12 – “Aubrey”
(Original Air Date: January 6, 1995) We go from “He Is One” and “She Is One” written on kid’s backs two episodes ago to “Sister” being carved on people’s chests. Upping the stakes, I guess. Finally, though, we got an episode with some enjoyable twists and turns.

A younger Terry O’Quinn was fun to watch, even if his character didn’t have much to do. That fell on the woman he’d impregnated. The reveal that she was the granddaughter of the first man to go around carving up people’s chests made for a nice parallel. Maybe she’s possessed by his spirit or something.

But wait, he’s still alive and actually out of jail now just living his life all old and decrepit. So where does that leave us?

Mulder: “Genetic impulse.”

Me: “What?”

Yeah, the explanation here was a little far-fetched. The impulse to kill, while gone from her grandfather passed down to her. Along with his weird facial rash thing? And she just snapped when she found out she was pregnant? Poor thing, now she’s in the loony bin for the rest of her life.

Come on, guys and gals. Let’s pick this show back up and get it back on track. I know things get better from here. Mainly because if this was the consistent level of quality on The X-Files, then it would have never become a phenomenon. I’ll call this your sophomore slump, but no more excuses!

Photo Credit: FOX

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