CliqueClack TV

Quotation Marks – Leverage, The Simpsons and How I Met Your Mother

Join us as the Clique takes a look back at the week in television quotes. If we missed your favorite, be sure to share it with us in the comments!

It is a little sad to see Leverage‘s season end already, even though I’ve had my problems with the show lately. The same could be said about the BBC’s Sherlock which I have absolutely no problems with … it’s one of the best shows on television today. I’m glad that we were able to feature both finales in Quotation Marks this week.

Leverage (Review)

“I want my usual fee plus expenses and Parker dresses up as Starbuck from Battlestar Galactica.” — Chaos
“Hey! It’s not happening.” — Hardison
“I’ll accept Sophie as Counselor Troi. We’ll negotiate on the flight.” — Chaos

“Wow, you are super old. Thank you for the history lesson. Maybe later you can tell us about that one time you punched Hitler in the face….” — Chaos
“I own two canes: One, with a Taser capable of delivering 10,000 volts; the other extends a 6-inch stiletto blade.” — Archie
“Which one is, is this one?” — Chaos, referring tot he cane Archie had pressed against his neck
“Well, I don’t seem to remember; I am super old.” — Archie

“How many fingers do you need to type? Round down.” — Quinn, irritated with Chaos

“Wow. This must be how Eliot feels. I just realized this is how he feels all the time. I just want to hit something.” — Hardison

“You know I have a gun.” — Latimer’s goon
“I know. That’s what makes it fair.” — Eliot, as he attacks

Sherlock (Review) 

“How do you stalk a deer with a hat? What are you going to do, throw it?” — Sherlock about the deerstalker hat

“We’re alike, you and I. Except you’re boring.” — Moriarty

“Just so you’re aware, the gun is his idea. I’m just a … you know …” — John
“My hostage!” — Sherlock
“Hostage. Yes, that works.” — John

“Take my hand.” — Sherlock
“Now people will definitely talk.” — John

The Simpsons

“And I created an alcoholic hippo.” — Grampa
“You never showed it to me!” – Homer

The Bachelor 

“On a scale of 1 to 10, I think I’m going to throw up …” — Jaclyn during the rose ceremony

How I Met Your Mother (Review)

“Long Island? I don’t understand, you can get spray tans here?” – Barney
“I never let myself really believe this day would come.” – Robin
“Yeah, it’s like when they cancelled Party of Five for the second time. [Everyone gives him looks] I mean when they … cancelled … sports.” – Ted

“Look at what’s become of our booth.” – Robin
“It looks like my old shop teacher’s hand … just sort of missing something.” – Ted

“Tonight’s going to be legen … Wait, are we sure it’s a good idea to go to a strip club? … Shut up Lily, I’m in charge now! …. dary!” – Barney

“You know what, Mickey, you can save the whole ‘game master’ routine … it’s only kind of terrifying me.” – Marshall

“Well, judging from how many clients that hooker has serviced, I’d say we’ve been here an hour.” – Robin


“You go home with your ticket, or you go to jail with my foot in your ass.” — Cooper

“It’s gonna take Jesus and two more white folks to keep me from kicking your ass.” — irate mom of a kid after his traffic stop

Justified (Review)

“I could be the guy on the radio telling people what to do.” — Raylan
“That’s my job, asshole.” – Art

Raising Hope (Review)

“Burt, get out here. There’s a dog on TV that can bark dirty words.” – Virginia

“I don’t want Jimmy to get smarter than me.” – Burt
“Well, if you get smart then I’ll be the dumbest one, and I am not going from the Moe to the Curly in this trio. Put down the book and go watch TV. And nothing smart, no PBS and no NBC sitcoms.” – Virginia

“If you guys get your GEDs it’ll be like the three blind mice, only two of them got their eyes fixed with that latex surgery and I’ll be the only one bumpin’ into things.” — Virginia

“By houses, Shakespeare doesn’t mean buildings, he means the two families — they hate each other. I don’t know if you ever saw the soap opera Santa Barbara, but it’s pretty much the same.” — Burt explaining Romeo & Juliet

“I got a 90 in math.” – Virginia
“It’s out of 800, mom, that’s a terrible score.” – Jimmy
“Oh. That makes me feel less good about my 70 in English.” — Virginia

“Dad, you remember that TV show you made me watch about the tough guy with the silver hair?” — Jimmy
Maude?” – Burt

“The first section is math and science, which will be very important in your careers whether it’s making change or making meth.” — Mr. Swift, handing out GED tests

Numbers Never Lie

“He needs to change his meds, because the ones he’s on are clearly not working.” — Hugh Douglas on tennis player Marcos Baghdatis

Law and Order: Special Victims Unit

“And let me guess, the pickup’s registered to a dead nun.” – Amaro

New Girl (Review)

“Hi! Yes! I’d like to order a last minute stripper? Oh, um … preferably of Asian Heritage …very bendy … with a heart of gold … and a crotch of gold … yeah, I’ll hold … ” — Jess on the phone

“Yes! I just hired my first stripper! Anything else I should get?” — Jess to Winston after hiring her first stripper … wondering if there is anything else she should get … for Schmidt’s party

“Someone’s personalized condoms just came in the mail …” — Schmidt to Jess
“Hey! Jar! $20.00!” — Jess

“Look, guys: Has anyone seen my good pea coat?” — Schmidt to anyone
“Jar! — Winston

“Have you seen my shark skin laptop sleeve? — Schmidt
“Jar!” — Nick

“Darn it! Has anyone seen my croquette cleats?” — Schmidt

“Hey, Jess? Have you seen my other timepiece?” — Schmidt

“Nick! I came up with the best name for an uncircumcised penis: ‘Bishop in a turtleneck’ …” — Schmidt
“Yech! Jar!” – Nick

Modern Family (More Quotes)

[Walking in the door] Stella? Where’s my good girl? … Gloria, is Stella up there?” – Jay
“No, but I am? Why don’t you say hello to your wife when you come home?” – Gloria
“Why don’t you greet me at the door wagging your tail?” – Jay

“Seriously? Manny you teach to swim by throwing him in the pool; but the dog gets swimming lessons.” – Gloria
“I’ve got to say. It was unpleasant, but effective.” — Manny

The Vampire Diaries (Review) 

“I wonder what my exes would call me?” – Alaric
“Nothing. They’re all dead.” — Damon

“Looking for a bunny. You’re good … for now.” — Damon to Alaric, referring to his new psychotic love interest

“You’re better than me, Elena. You’re better than both of us.” – Stefan

30 Rock (Review)

“Did you know that Snuggles the fabric softener bear is gay? He’s dating the Charmin cub. I thought they were babies!” – Pete

“I’m afraid I have bad news.” – Kenneth
“Jenny McCarthy died? But who could have been slowly poisoning her? Was she poisoned? I have no way of knowing because I’m just hearing about it.” – Jenna

“Picking a lock is like riding a bike — they’re both skills you need to escape the Atlanta Falcons equipment room.” – Jenna

“I faked mercury poisoning to get out my contract with Trivial Pursuit the Musical.” – Jenna

 “This marker smells good.” – Idiot protest poster

“You, certainly, need idiots. Who do you think is watching your show? … Black nerds, JetBlue passengers who fall asleep with the TV on, pets whose owners have died, and idiots.” – Jack

 “I USED YOUR BATHROOM” – Memo line on Jack’s check to Criss

The Big Bang Theory (More Quotes)

“Live long and suck it, Zachary Quinto.” – Sheldon, upon learning “they” had sent the wrong version of the life-size cardboard-cutout of Spock 

“The reason you’re fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she’s the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment: your brilliant yet intimidating mother.” – Sheldon
“Where would you get that from?” – Leonard
“It’s in her book Needy Baby, Greedy Baby.” – Sheldon

“Look, help me out here. How does a miserable date end in sex?” – Leonard
“I don’t know, its complicated.” – Penny
“I’m a pretty smart guy and right now my brain has dibs on the blood supply so give it a go.” – Leonard

The Secret Circle (Review)

“So you’re an avenging angel now. Don’t they usually stay hidden in the shadows?” – Adam
“Don’t you usually have a different girlfriend?” – Jake

“Diana said you were here, she didn’t say you brought your pet psychopath.” – Adam, about Jake

Dan Le Batard is Highly Questionable

“This is a game that, six months ago, I would’ve played it on the televisions at Guantanamo Bay to bother the prisoners.” — Dan on Timberwolves at Grizzlies (Ivey’s Note: I guess he forgot about Memphis’ miracle playoff run last year)


“They may seem like botulism victims, but they’re loyal.” — Chuck about Jeff and Lester

Quotes from the Ether

“I mostly listen to things that I know are going to irritate the people around me, so that they’ll go away.” — Blake Shelton when asked about his musical taste


Photo Credit: TNT

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